The Patron Saint of Television

Pontius Pilot: Community

2009-09-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD: Joel McHale on primetime! Joel McHale on primetime! After supremely mixed feelings about his appearance on the defunct pilot for the US take on "The IT Crowd" (how could a virtual line-by-line remake be so unfunny?), I am now free to bask in the possibility of enjoying the hysterical host of "Talk Soup" on a show that doesn't feature a regular segment about what crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

The show also features an excellent ensemble comprised of Chevy Chase, a hot blonde, a hot (but uptight) brunette, a sassy black lady, a kid with Aspergers (he's my favorite), that British dude from "The Daily Show" and a young jock dude who used to write for "30 Rock" (he's my second favorite). Oh and Ken Jeong.

THE BAD: The airwaves (and my American Airlines flight from TX last week) have been saturated with ads for the show. In addition to getting lots of people to tune in, it also gave away most of the jokes. I think that's why a lot of the pacing felt a little flat to me; I knew exactly where we were going. That's not to say I didn't laugh really hard at everything out of Abed's mouth.

THE VERDICT: It'll get better. The "30 Rock" pilot wasn't as good and now it's the most hilarious thing on TV.*

*Not including the crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

Pontius Pilot: The Vampire Diaries

2009-09-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD: With Dawson's Creek and Hidden Palms (forgot about that one, didn't you?), Kevin Williamson made the mistake of giving us just a handful of central characters. That makes for very tight, very frustrating little love triangles. With The Vampire Diaries, we've got a plethora of characters: Elena, her two friends (witchy Bonnie and needy...blonde girl), her two vampire love interests (broody Stefan and delightfully evil Damon), her self-medicating brother (and his former hook-up), her ex-boyfriend (Hey, don't I know you from Friday Night Lights?) and his kinda date-rapey best friend. Plus two adults that no one really cares about.

There's already a lot of interpersonal drama and that's BEFORE Damon showed up to start killing off locals (Jesse from Degrassi, we'll miss you) and torture his brother. Speaking of Degrassi (and you know I love to), TeenMom is actually good as Elena. She could easily be a mopey and pensive (and she is a little, I mean, her parents did just die), but TeenMom finds a way to elevate her, making her likable and tough. She won't crumble when her world is ripped wide open (and if Damon's half the vampire I think he is, he will rip that shit WIDE open), she'll rip a bottle out of her brother's hand, cracks it on a table and fight the hell back.

THE BAD: Stefan looks really old. I get that he's been hanging out since the mid 19th century, but really? When Elena ran into him outside the men's bathroom, I half expected her to be like "Oh I think you're looking for the teacher's lounge." I (kind of) get why the Cullens in Twilight hide out in high school; they were all under 20 when they died. But Stefan seems like he was older, right? Or maybe he just looks like it.

Also potentially lame is the whole Civil War thing they're doing. Apparently in the books, the brothers became vamps in Renaissance Italy. The TV adaptation has them being changed in Elena's hometown, Mystic Falls, during the Civil War. You know, the war that pitted brother against brother? Symbolism! This could go a couple of different ways, it could be kind of interesting and murky or it could be totally black-and-white and lame all over.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass. Only to be watched while on the elliptical. Or eating a tub of ice cream.

Pontius Pilot: Melrose Place

2009-09-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD: I didn't hate Katie Cassidy on Supernatural, but I also didn't mind when she was replaced with that chick from Wildfire. So let's just say I wasn't expecting to fall in love with her as Melrose Place's token bitch. And yet I totally did. I wasn't a fan of first Melrose incarnation so I don't know if Heather Locklear's Amanda had a heart under all that hairspray and menace, but Cassidy's Ella does and it beats only for Noah, her goofy filmmaker buddy. He's newly engaged to Riley, a sweet teacher who doesn't quite believe in him as much as his fierce publicist/manager/agent. I think the reason I love Noah and Ella the most is that they're the most fully formed characters; I know real life versions of them.

There are other promising characters. Auggie the chef is nice and brooding and though he seemed to love dead Sydney the most, he was also the one burning bloody clothes before we cut to credits. Struggling young doctor Lauren is starting down the slippery slope to whoredom, which is good since she has such an awesome bedside manner. And Michael's son David seems fun, even if he is an art thief, which is a little bit hilarious.

THE BAD: Oh Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Maybe she'll be better after the pilot. Her character is the shoe-horned in new neighbor that finds dead Sydney in the pool. She then has an awkward Backstory Betty convo with Auggie about his sobriety and very oddly encourages Lauren to be a hooker. She basically comes off as a huge creep. And not in an "Ooh I wonder what her secret is" way, but like a "Please get killed off soon" way.

While I like Veronica Marsiness of the murder mystery, Sydney Andrews is no Lilly Kane. So far, she's just a pathetic cougar of a landlord who populated her old stomping grounds with a new generation of hotties in hopes of reliving her glory days. Though it showed foresight to rent to another crazy redhead before shuffling off the mortal coil.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass.

Moments in TV Awesome: Teacup Humans

2009-08-31T18:35:00.000-07:00

There's a reason people fall for the Spikes and Erics of vampire TV. Sure, the appeal of a vampire love story is that this untameable, beautiful brooder (they're always brooders) can actually be tamed by love. That makes Angel and Edward and certainly Mr. Bill Compton very appealing. They're dark monsters transformed into... whipped puppies. And don't get me wrong, that's well and good for a while. But such self-denying devotion gets boring but quick.

Cue a character with all the sexy, dangerous charm and none of the neutered self-loathing. These characters embrace life, even if they're not really alive.

Two minutes in, see Eric discuss children in a way that would give Bill the vapors.

My workout playlist

2009-08-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

A lot of people love to listen to music to get into their workout, but the thing that most takes me out of my head is some good TV. Now I can't just watch anything. Nothing too boring -- I love "What Not to Wear," but it is clearly designed to be watched while reading a magazine or talking on the phone. And trying to concentrate on "Battlestar" or "The Wire" while keeping my heart rate up is just impossible. Shows like that deserve greater attention.

There are three types of shows that have that perfect blend of interesting and easy. I don't think so hard that I forget I'm supposed to be working out and I'm not so bored that I find myself flipping channels and slowing my pace to read show descriptions.

LADIES WITH SUPERNATURAL PROBLEMS:
Right now, that means "Drop Dead Diva." It's a charming show about an aspiring model who is killed in an accident only to discover that it's not her time and be put back in the body of a similarly deceased plus size attorney. Who happens to work at the model's fiance's firm. And the only people who know her secret are her sweet, supportive BFF and her guardian angel Fred. Shut up. It's a good show. Last night it actually made me tear up and slow down. And Elliot Gould was a guest star. What, you think you're too good for Elliot Gould? Pish.

Another alternative in this genre is "Being Erica," which I LOVED. It's a Canadian import that got its American debut on... Oxygen? Lifetime? Soapnet? I can't remember, but it's awesome. Erica is a thirty something screw up with tons of regrets about the past and she's given the opportunity to fix these regrets by going back to certain days in her past and doing them over. Things work out pretty well until she impulsively stops her brother from dying and totally effs up the future. The show just got ten Gemini nominations and the second season should be coming soon.

DVD workout options: "Wonderfalls" and "Dead Like Me"

QUIRKY CRIME SOLVERS:
"Psych" is enjoyable, but that's because of the likability and chemistry of the cast, not because of it's intricate plotting. That's why it's perfect for a workout. I enjoy the banter and the loose silliness without dwelling on the weird coincidences that follow Shawn and Gus around like a thick, affable fog. Other quirky crime solvers I like to get sweaty with: Richard Castle of "Castle" and Sheriff Carter from "Eureka," though he's less quirky and more the straight man in the town that quirk built.

TEEN SHOWS:
It's no secret that I love teen shows. I can't help it. And ABC Family Channel (minus that unwatchable "Secret Life" dreck) is fantastic. "Make It or Break It" is like "Stick It" meets "One Tree Hill." It's about a squad of Olympic hopeful gymnasts and their families. And since the athletes in questions are teen girls, there's lots of drama, though if I'm being honest, the viciousness has gone downhill since bitchy Lauren rigged a vault, causing an accident that could have paralyzed underdog Emily. But there's still catfighting and boyfriend-stealing and lots of flippy gymnastics moves. What's not to love?

Also on ABC Family, "Greek" is returning in September. When last we saw the denizens of CRU, Cappie and Casey were on the verge of finally getting it together and admitting their love, Evan was less evil than he'd been all season, Rusty still hadn't scared off his girlfriend and Dale being pressured into premarital relations by a full-on cougar. Also, Jesse McCartney seemed to have disappeared and no one missed him at all. If you haven't given this show a chance, you really should. Whether you were Greek or not, it's a nice look back at college and with it's racially diverse cast and frank depiction of gay and lesbian relationships, it's actually pretty progressive.

Merlin's (lack of) beard!

2009-08-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I never really got into the new Robin Hood that BBC America and my misguided brother kept trying to shove down my throat, but one night when I was without basic cable, I found myself falling for the charms of another BBC take on a legend before the legend, Merlin.

The show follows a young Merlin upon his arrival to Camelot, which is ruled by Uther Pendragon (or as I think of him, King Ripper). Magic has been outlawed by Prince Arthur's father, so it's a dangerous place for the young warlock, who becomes Arthur's manservant and gradual friend (they're totes the Seth and Ryan of Camelot).

The show is a little loose with the traditional story. Instead of being Arthur's sister, Morgana is his father's ward. And apparently Mordred is not their son because he has already made an appearance as a little druid boy to whom Morgana becomes dangerously attached. Oh and Guinevere, who has always been the most annoying character in Camelot's mythos, is now Gwen, Morgana's sweet, socially-awkward hand maiden.

The chemistry between the younger cast members is great and it's fun to see Anthony Head playing a stubborn bastard like Uther. NBC may be done airing the season, but Hulu still has many episodes available, including one with the creation of Excalibur. You know, if you're a dork and care about that kind of thing.

Medical Waste

2009-06-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Nurse Jackie and her fellow summer medical shows I have learned that doctors are stupid and will no doubt kill you given half the chance. Your only hope is a medical maverick. It's lucky that this summer is chock full of 'em!

I was excited about Edie Falco's return to TV. She's a fantastic actress and Nurse Jackie doesn't disappoint on that front. Falco's title character is frank and well worn. Even with what feels like a clichéd drug problem (so far it really seems like a problem-ish), she's real person bitchy, not House-level anti-social. She's likable, maybe even lovable, but I have no desire to become a regular viewer. For all its critical acclaim, the show's really nothing special. There's a stable full of stock characters - sassy gay nurse (though I do love Haaz Sleiman), overly emotional young nurse and lazily incompetent doctor (a wasted Peter Facinelli). The episode ended with a Mad Man-style reveal that pharmacist-screwing Jackie has a sweet husband and two little girls. Shock me, shock me, shock me with your predictable twist ending.

Speaking of sassy gay nurses (oh my bad, Ray's apparently a straight male nurse with no game), overly emotional young nurses ("Will I cry everyday?"), lazily incompetent doctors and the rule-bending bad-ass nurse who is better than them all... Jada Pinkett Smith is bringing her unique brand of intensity to TNT with HawthoRNe. Like Jackie, she's got one sane doctor with whom she can commiserate (hers is played by Michael Vartan!), but unlike her pill-snorting counterpart, she also has an angry teenage daughter, an angry mother-in-law and a dead husband. Thank God when she talks to that urn, it doesn't talk back.

HawthoRNe is benign. Our main character is smarter than everyone and we're never allowed to forget it. This makes for boring (and a weirdly preachy) entertainment. Also boring? Hawthorne's BFF having a deep, dark secret that is quickly revealed to be a prosthetic leg that her would-be beau is ambivalent about. No more damaged goods moping - the cute paramedic doesn't mind dating a hot amputee! Snooze. And I don't buy everyone being okay with one of the nurses doling out handjobs to returning war heroes.

You know what else I don't buy? Dr. Hank Lawson being fired for "letting" a rich friend of the hospital die while saving a more critical patient. I guess that's because the system is broken, man. Hank cares about patients, okay? So if you don't, you better go straight to hell. I now regret calling HawthoRNe preachy because Ms. Pinkett-Smith ain't got nothing on Mark Feuerstein's haughty Dr. Lawson. That's right, I said "haughty." After being blacklisted by the medical elite and dumped by his faintly sketched fiancé, he goes to the Hamptons with his brother and ends up saving a bunch of people (MacGyver-style, which is cool the first time, convenient the second time and laughable every time after that) and becoming a concierge doctor. This could be really fun lifestyle porn, but instead it turns into Hank's soapbox. We get to listen to him sound off on hospital bureaucracy, bad parenting and other crap you really don't care about.

Daisy of Awesome

2009-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been lured into the summer trap of reality TV. I'm actually tivoing The Bachelorette (Yay - drunk crazy-eyed Dave is finally gone!) and I'm addicted to its superfun white trash cousin Daisy of Love. Daisy was on the one season of Rock of Love that I watched so I'm more familiar with her than Bachelorette Jillian, who is apparently famous for judging men based on their hotdog toppings. And being Canadian. Daisy wasn't my favorite of Brett Michaels' ladies, but she's actually quite charming on her own show.

Her soundbites are a little canned, but she's funnier and more savvy that you'd expect. It's easy to take the bleached hair and the big boobs at face value, but she’s not dumb. She immediately booted the three ridiculous Swedish triplets for being inscrutable fame whores. And while she kept douchey Fox around far too long, she fully admitted that while he made no damn sense when he opened his mouth, he was fun to make out with.

No dating show would be complete without a man to guide our unlucky-in-love ladies through the process. Chris Harrison is there to prompt Jillian with such banalities as "You thought you could be falling in love with him." Riki is way more to the point. He mocks the guys and is vocal about his disapproval. Frankly part of me hopes for some last episode surprise with Daisy turning to him and saying "Riki, will you accept this chain and be my rockstar?" But she'll probably end up with 12 Pack. I mean "Dave."

9021Oh that kind of sucked...

2008-09-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

I tried, I really did. And I wanted so badly to like this. Darcy and Michael? Love them. Lucille Bluth? Hilarious. But good Lord. It was just so bland and inexplicably impressed with itself. "Check it out! Cory Kennedy and the Cobra Snake!" "And then it turns out that Annie's dinner date is in San Francisco! And they're taking a jet! And she's not telling mom!" Speaking of Mom, check out the bad parenting on Lori Loughlin. She's going to be late at work (as a fashion photographer like three minutes after arriving in town with a resume that included shooting weddings) so she tells Annie (Darcy) to pick up Grandma's computer. Annie forgets so it's ALL HER FAULT that Grandma then drives drunk and gets into a minor accident. Got that? It's all on Annie, not the adult who got being the wheel snockered.

And speaking of bad parents, secretly smart popular girl... uh... I don't feel like looking her name up. So we'll go with Blondie. Well her parents think she's stupid and don't want her to have to do work at school when she has a super important birthday party coming up. Also, her mom and Annie's dad have a secret son that was given up for adoption, but the drama from that revelation was totally drained when Loughlin found out (off screen) and was pretty much fine with it.

Then there's Silver, Kelly Taylor's little half sis, whose mom fell off the wagon and divorced Silver's dad after finding out from Blondie (apparently) that he was a big ol' cheater. That's why Silver hates her former BFF, with whom she shares a lameass back tat that is some sort of Asian symbol for friendship. And since theirs was over in eighth grade, I guess that means that Beverly Hills kids are so damn cool that they're getting inked in junior high.

In addition to Kelly, Brenda and the Peach Pit (where Nat totally ignored Blondie and Evil Lacrosse Dude getting drunk and mugging down), this new version has clung to the original show's generous use of platitudes and life lessons. Lying is bad and trust is really important. Also, you shouldn't jump to crazy conclusions about people and diss them on your vlog because maybe they’ll turn out to be your new BFF. And if you’re cheating on your girlfriend, it’s because there’s something emotionally lacking in your relationship, not because you’re a 16-year-old who can’t say no to a parking lot beej.

Oh 90210, our fling was brief, but to paraphrase sensitive jock Ethan, I'm not breaking up with you, I'm breaking up with us.

One Tree Hill and the Bechdel Rule

2008-09-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

NPR just had a story about TV and the Bechdel Rule, based on a 1985 comic by Alison Bechdel in which one character only sees movies that 1) feature at least two women 2) who talk to one another about 3) something other than men. The story pointed out that often "female-driven" shows like "Grey's Anatomy" don't really pass Bechdel's test. Even when talking medicine, the young docs are usually just speaking in metaphor about their dysfunctional romantic entanglements.

The rule doesn't say the characters can never talk about men. They gave ABC Family's fantastic new show "The Middleman" a shout out for being Bechdel-friendly, and Dub Dub and Lacy talk about their romantic relationships. It's just that they also talk about art and music and stuff other than who's the McDreamiest.

Now would you be surprised if I told you that “One Tree Hill” also featured such independent-minded ladies? No? Is this because my twisted love for the show makes you past being surprised by my mercurial changes of opinion? Fine. But it's true.

Though this season began with a completely man-centric plot -- with whom will Lucas (allegedly) spend the rest of his life?* -- the Bechdel rule holds up. Peyton and Haley do talk a lot about the aforementioned brooder, but the young record label exec and singer/songwriter also talk a lot about music and friendship. Fashion designer Brooke talks mostly business with her evil mother or her adorable assistant Millie. And last season when she decided she wanted to be a mother, romance never entered the equation. It was all about adoption and her readiness to parent, not her readiness to find Mr. Right.

Oh and just in case you're worried that the grown-up Tree Hill is boring, it should be noted that Brooke was attacked while closing up her store (you just know BadMom's behind it because Brooke was going to wrest away control of Clothes Over Bro’s) and she's totally going to buy a gun and go all Jodie Foster in The Brave One. Also? Crazy ass Nanny Carrie is back. Except instead of playing Hand that Rocks the Cradle with the Naley fam, she's playing Misery with everyone's favorite fratricidal Grandpa Dan. She burned him with a hot fork, y'all.

Here's a link to the NPR story: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94202522&ft=1&f=1008

*He totally picked Peyton and I totally squealed because it turns out that I kind of love her. And I feel bad about calling her plywood. She was a little stiff in season one, but the actress has really grown. Seriously. One of the best criers on TV.

Canadian imports straight from The N

2008-05-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

So after months of not writing about things like Marco almost becoming a hooker (almost), Bones being my new favorite show ever (thanks, Hulu), Cally shuffling off Battlestar's mortal coil (yay!) and David Cook maybe being my new rocker boyfriend (shut up), I can no longer be silent. Sound dramatic? Yeah, that's what the Chef thought when I breathlessly told her about Degrassi's Darcy landing on the new 90210 (originally written by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas!). She was like "You realize you're not actually friends with Darcy, right?" Like I would be friends with Darcy after she accused Snake of bad touching. Oh who am I kidding? If Paige can forgive new roomie for not disclosing his HIV status before knocking boots, I can forgive ol' Darce.

But Darcy's new zipcode isn't the end of the good news. If you haven't been living under a rock, then you know Lucille Bluth is playing the faded star alcoholic grandma, but you may not realize that Tristan Wilds AKA Michael from The Wire is playing Darcy's brother. Did you ever think Degrassi and The Wire would collide anywhere except my brain? Me neither!

Speaking of unexpected things, remember The Best Years? No? Consider yourself lucky. My memory is not as spotlessly forgiving. So, it looks like Devon (Brandon Jay McLaren) will be skipping anger management in order to appear on CBS's mysterious Harper's Island. I don't know if he's a series regular, but it looks like a show with a body count and I wouldn't mind watching Devon get snuffed.

Also from The Best Years is Ashley Newbrough (ooky Sloane) on How to Survive the Filthy Rich. That's her in the yellow. I found her fairly underwhelming on her old show so I'll be interested to see if she can hold her own opposite Bionic Woman's spunky little sis Lucy Hale (also pictured). And since it's a new CW show, she'll also get to share the screen with Cliff/Zach/Grant from Hidden Palms/The OC/Smallville. Warner Brothers really is just dying to make Michael Cassidy a star (in someone's eyes other than the Former Subletter).

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…

2008-02-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

I like Cashmere Mafia. There. I said it. Point, jeer, get all Project Runwayish and question my taste level. I can’t help it. Yes, Caitlin’s the worst lesbian in the history of ever and no, I don’t buy that Alicia would let her off the hook for sleeping with a dude. And Juliet? I’m fully aware that she’s a porcelain robot trying to understand these foreign things called “emotions.” But I kind of love her for warming her frostiness up to a comfy 72 degrees around her unhappy teenage daughter. Sure, Lucy Liu prances around like she’s going as Carrie Bradshaw for Halloween, but she’s just as gay for Jamie as Frank and Liz Lemon. How can I hate a show that took 30 Rock’s used cougar bait and gave him a job as a manny? I can’t. And I can’t begrudge Zoe the scared glint she gets around her suddenly tangible work husband. Because it’s Max Medina. And she probably never got over Lorelai Gilmore dumping him either. What’s more, I buy their friendships. Even if the rest of their candy coated existence is beautifully foreign to me, I understand the bond between our four supergirl careerists.

That’s something I can’t yet say for Lipstick Jungle. That’s right; no Cashmere Mafia discussion would be complete without a little Lipstick Jungle pontification. Lipstick hasn’t had as long as Cashmere to reel me in, but so far I don’t understand how these women became friends. And while Cashmere is pure gloss, Lipstick looks almost Friday Night Lights-realistic in comparison. I mean, Nico has a piece of exercise equipment in her bedroom. Everyone on Cashmere Mafia appears to have been granted killer bods by the perfection fairy. Normally I would praise such realism, but let’s be honest; these shows are not a reflection of true life. Cashmere seems to accept that it’s lifestyle porn (thank you, Tim) while Lipstick has a strange patina, like reality (or maybe just the ‘90s) trying inexplicably to push its way to the surface.

Bad Mother, shut your mouth

2008-01-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

Bar fight-induced temporary paralysis, two new female characters with (fingers crossed) the potential to be straight-up stalkers, the fact that Haley and Nathan's son is being raised (at least partially) by Lucas and Skillz... What's not to love about the new One Tree Hill? The lack of terrifyingly bad parental role models, that's what. Daphne Zuniga has joined the cast as Brooke's emotionally abusive mother, but that's a snooze when you remember the legendary reign of Dan "I killed my brother in the middle of a school shooting cause I'm EVIL" Scott. Take a look at CMM's face. He's like "Bitch, please. I knew Dan Scott; Dan Scott is my dastardly father. And you, ma'am, are no Dan Scott." After making a brief appearance in episode two, I'm hoping Tree Hill's former mayor will somehow return to show regular status. The guy survived being poisoned and burned alive, I don't see why he can't get around this whole life in prison thing.

In keeping with this hope, here are my official predictions for the upcoming season:

1. Little Jamie's nanny turns all Cradle Will Rock on Haley and tries to steal her family. Somehow she'll drive a wedge between Hales and Nathan, but will be ultimately unsuccessful in her attempts to seduce the former sports hero, who I'd wager she's been obsessed with since high school.

2. Brooke's mother will cut her out of Clothes Over Bros. and Brooke will start over with only her homely assistant (poor girl suffers from glasses and ponytail syndrome) at her side. The local boutique will bring fashion to the masses and Brooke will finally be happy. And maybe make out with Mouth a little.

3. Dan will use a legal loop hole to get out of jail and kidnap Jamie. Lucas will save the child and in a daring struggle, push Dan into a raging waterfall. Dan will die, but come back as a ghost that hunts down all his scattered progeny.

4. Peyton and Lucas will dance around their soulmate status until I actually poke both my eyes out and run screaming down the street.

5. Skillz will be the underused black guy at the fringe of all the other storylines. He will be the only character allowed to say "Oh snap!" without irony.

Moments in TV Awesome: The Wire

2008-01-15T20:04:00.001-08:00

I spent the weekend binging on Season One of The Wire. Mmm. Excellently executed drama. I think my favorite thing about the show is the way is sprinkles genuinely funny moments on top of all the darkness. McNulty bringing a doped-up informant to his son's soccer game, Bunk drunkenly burning his own clothes to destroy trace evidence of adultery, and this scene.

That Wee-bey. Hilarious. And scary.

One last season of love and hate...

2008-01-14T17:00:00.001-08:00

Instant Star executive producer Steven "I'm married to the chick who created Degrassi" Stohn has announced that the upcoming season of my favorite Canadian sing-a-long show will be its last. That's him next to Tommy (in case you were wondering if Jude's dad got recast). I guess Alexz Johnson wants to get on with her recording career. I'd bitch, but last season was such a bomb that I can't blame her for getting out. And with that sassy new bob, she's really going places.

You know what's not sassy? Spiederman's overall appearance. It's pretty much skeeving me out. Seriously, a tank top? This is kind of ruining all those Spiederman tracks on the Season Three soundtrack. Just kidding. Nothing could ruin those tracks. And look at Jamie in the back trying to pretend he's not rocking a mullet. Sadder than me listening to Spied at full volume in my car? Maybe. But definitely not as sad as the fact that Karma's still on the show and partially obscuring Kwest, who is so far in the back that he might just be a cardboard cutout used when the real Kwest has better shit to do. Like visit Portia in the clink.

Oh, Tim

2008-01-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

Of course he didn't get kicked out of Coach's house for drinking or illegally hooking up the cable box to porn or making out with Shelly (who I now kind of love being reduced to a shirt-buying dork by that fullback’s sly smile). No, in typically heartbreaking fashion, Tim Riggins had to get kicked out after protecting Julie from both tornadoes and hormonal teenage boys. He had to get turned away and disappointed by yet another father figure. I guess next stop is Buddy's halfway house for orphaned football players and super-sad divorced guys.

I know that some fans were turned off when this season flirted with sensationalism, but all that murder stuff’s over (I think) and the most dramatic stuff between Landry and Tyra this week was that she rejected him to accompany a 35 year-old rival player to the Fall Formal. The truth is Friday Night Lights still packs more sheer entertainment and emotion than any other show on TV. I laugh, sigh, cringe and get a little teary pretty much weekly. It even makes me kind of care about football. Kind of. The real reason I’m addicted is the characters. Buddy could have been a one-joke background player, but he's become the chewy center of his own compelling storyline. Former perfect mother Tami has stumbled, clinging too tightly to both Julie and Shelly and only managed to push them both away. And then there's Coach Taylor. Whether rendered wide-eyed and speechless by a chat with Buddy or enraged by the sight of his daughter is in the arms of a Riggins, he’s the dreamiest man on TV.

Strike Survival Guide

2008-01-05T00:16:00.000-08:00

So it seems like everything is in reruns, but it's not true. There are still non-reality series left. Some are back for the first time this season (Jericho, One Tree Hill, Battlestar), some were good at stockpiling episodes (Friday Night Lights, Aliens in America, Men in Trees) and some are Canadian and therefore unaffected by the strike down south (Degrassi). Here's a list of shows, when they return or continue and how many episodes we've got left until it all goes black and we really are stuck with reruns and The Hills.

Shows I care about:

Monday, January 7: October Road (ABC) 8 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: One Tree Hill (CW) 12 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Ugly Betty (ABC) 3 episodes; Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) 3 episodes
Friday, January 11: Friday Night Lights (NBC) 5 episodes; Monk (USA) 6 episodes; Psych (USA) 6 episodes
Monday, January 14: Kyle XY (ABC Family) 10 episodes
Friday, January 18: Degrassi (The N) will finish out season seven and if you need a reason to watch, please see the pic above. That's Ellie finding her boyfriend in the throes of passion with Caitlin "I cheated on Joey with Kevin Smith" Ryan. I know!
Monday, January 21: Wildfire (ABC Family) 13 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Smallville (CW) 6 episodes; Supernatural (CW) 4 episodes; Lost (ABC) 8 episodes
Monday, February 4: Samantha Who? (ABC) 3 episodes
Sunday, February 10: Aliens in America (CW) 7 episodes
Tuesday, February 12: Jericho (CBS) 7 episodes
Wednesday, February 27: Men in Trees (ABC) 11 episodes
Thursday, February 28: Reaper (CW) 3 episodes
Monday, April 28: Bones (Fox) 4 episodes
Spring: Greek (ABC Family) 8 episodes; Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi) 11 episodes

Shows you might care about:

Sunday, January 6: The Wire (HBO) 10 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: Boston Legal (ABC) 4 episodes; Carpoolers (ABC) 7 episodes
Wednesday, January 9: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (TBS) 49 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Big Shots (ABC) 5 episodes
Friday, January 11: Las Vegas (NBC) 7 episodes
Monday, January 14: Prison Break (Fox) 5 episodes
Tuesday, January 15: Nip/Tuck (FX) 6 episodes
Wednesday, January 16: Reno 911 (Comedy Central) 16 episodes
Spring: Robin Hood (BBC America) 13 episodes; The Shield (FX) 13 episodes; The Tudors (Showtime) 12 episodes

New Shows, some of which may suck because they were cobbled together in an effort to stockpile material (Cashmere Mafia, I'm looking at you):

Sunday, January 6: Cashmere Mafia (ABC) 7 episodes
Sunday, January 13: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox) 9 episodes
Sunday, January 20: Breaking Bad (AMC) 9 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Eli Stone (ABC) 13 episodes
Monday, February 4: Welcome to the Captain (CBS) 6 episodes
Monday, February 18: Quarterlife (NBC) 6 episodes
Tuesday, March 4: New Amsterdam (Fox) 8 episodes
Wednesday, March 12: The Return of Jezebel James (Fox) 7 episodes
Monday, April 14: Canterbury’s Law (Fox) 6 episodes

Mrs. Norris Hearts Huckabee

2008-01-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching results from the Iowa Caucus (freaking reruns making me pay attention to real things) and beyond being totally weird, it's kind of fascinating. Edwards usually comes off like an insincere Baptist minister, but I was kind of into his speech. Hand me a sickle and a hammer 'cause I love the idea of universal healthcare. I'm still waiting to hear from Obama (the winner and my current choice).

I'm less informed about the Republicans. Romney's a super rich mormon and Tom Tancredo hates immigrants, that's what I know. Huckabee won and here are a few facts about him: 1. He lost a bunch of weight 2. He's BFF with Chuck Norris 3. He's got crazy eyes. Seriously. Take a look into those peepers and try not to shiver. During his victory speech, I couldn't stop staring at Chuck Norris and the fembot I assume is Mrs. Norris (no, not Filch's cat*). Hovering right over Huckabee's shoulders, the couple kept laughing and flashing their blue-white chompers. At one point, Mrs. Norris all but swooned and I could lip-read "That's SO true," in response to whatever the candidate was going on about.

Here's some popcultural food for thought: Huckabee's popularity surged when Chuck Norris first appeared in his campaign ads. And why is that cool? Since when is Chuck Norris not just the star of a lame action series and the hocker of the Total Gym? Since Chuck Norris Facts began circulating on the internet in 2005. Behold the power of ironic humor and mass emails. A series of absurd jokes about a faded action star have officially impacted American politics. Hopefully this won't be as bad as when Will Ferrell's George W. Bush impression made the future president seem loveably benign.

*Nerd alert!

Pilot vs. Pilot

2007-12-17T21:08:00.000-08:00

Dirty Sexy Money is one of my favorite new shows, but I kept hearing about the original pilot, which features a long lost daughter with a major vendetta against the Darlings. That storyline, I was told, was the best thing about the pilot. So how could ABC have lost it and still maintained a show that I think is pretty freaking fantastic? I was curious and this weekend my friend Q was kind enough to lend me the original. Maybe it's because I saw the new version first and know where its mysteries lead, but I wasn't that taken with the original pilot. Nick is shifty, Juliet is a punchline and Tish is a borderline sociopath. Below are two versions of the same scene to give you an idea.

Original Pilot:

Aired Pilot:

See? I don't think I could have endured an entire season of that first family. They're so hard and... dead inside. Meanwhile, Darlings 2.0 are more buoyant and lifelike. In the current incarnation, I love Tish. Watching her quietly mourn the love of her life under her husband's nose is heartbreaking. The same emotions in the original pilot seem to signal that she's off her meds. And it's those meds that probably keep her from beating her family to death. Seriously, Tish 1.0 haaaates Juliet.

As far as the long lost daughter goes, I'm glad she was replaced by the mysterious Simon Elder as the president of the He Man Tripp Darling Haters Club. Getting dumped in Syberia and watching your parents die is a way better reason to want revenge than getting dropped off on the steps of an orphanage with a priceless bauble from your teenage mother.

In light of the strike and ongoing tension between writers and the networks and studios that employ them, I think the evolution of Dirty Sexy Money is a great example of what happens when those two entities work well together. Craig Wright created a wonderful show with bright, engaging characters, but I'm guessing network notes led to the stronger, better version. So lets all hope for a Christmas miracle in which everyone at the negotiating table takes a cue from Tish 2.0, softening the edges and cutting the vitriolic hatred by half.

Why do I watch crap?

2007-12-16T11:17:00.001-08:00

It takes a lot for me to completely give up on a TV show. And even once I declare it dead and buried, it doesn't take much more than a little stunt casting or the promise of a particularly loathed character's death (see: Hill, One Tree) to resurrect my interest. I can justify certain shows because I've been watching them for years. Degrassi's a perfect example. It was never a conventional masterpiece (though it has more than earned its place in the pantheon of pop culture) so when I start having to slog through episodes of Emma and Sean blah blah blahing when I'd rather focus on something that doesn't make me wish Spike had just gone for the abortion, I can hang tough. I know that before long Manny or Craig will show up and do something explosively stupid/entertaining and all will be right with the world.

What's mysterious (even to me) is my stubborn ability to hang on to subpar shows from the get-go. What goes on with October Road? What goes on is that people have stupid syntax that makes me want to shake the writers by the lapels and beg them to give just one of the characters a voice that's not so reminiscent of the know-it-all douche I dated freshman year. Jeez! So why do I keep watching? I don't know! To be fair, I usually watch it on the computer while doing other things, but I still freaking tune in, eager to see what new complication will befall Nick and his gang of quasi-intellectual townies.

So if October Road and Kaya (which has crashed and burned in an inferno of missed dramatic opportunities and mediocrity) are still on my viewing schedule, what is it that makes me abandon shows like Gilmore Girls and The OC? Maybe it's the fact that watching a once great show's paler imitation of itself is infinitely more frustrating than laughing at the missteps and savoring the occasional victories of shows that have never shown as perfectly. It's all about expectations. And with the return of One Tree Hill nigh, I'm giddy with the prospect of our characters four years in the future (looks like Nathan's a drunk with long hair!). My expectations have never been lower.

Speechless Without Writers

2007-11-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

Here's one of the clever videos from speechlesswithoutwriters.com, which is affiliated with United Hollywood. Fear not, I am still watching non-strike related entertainment. 30 Rock is rocking my world, Jeremy Darling is my new TV boyfriend, Friday Night Lights keeps breaking my heart in the best possible ways (Buddy and Santiago under one roof? I can barely stand how much I love and fear the possibilities) and Grey's Anatomy has worked its way back into my good graces.

Speaking of Grey's... What's with all of ABC's amnesiacs? Karev's Ava, Samantha Who?, Patrick on Men in Trees, Alexis on Ugly Betty. And last season, Desperate Housewives' sexy plumber had a case of the who-the-hell-am-I's. If you jump networks, you've got Milo Ventimiglia doing his blank slate schtick on Heroes and Joss Whedon's upcoming Dollhouse with a perpetually mind-wiped Eliza Dushku. Massive brain traumas are hella prevalent, y'all.

On Strike. Shut 'em down. Hollywood's a union town.

2007-11-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

Makes sense to me.

Kaya: the new Instant Star

2007-11-01T20:34:00.001-07:00

I’m not sure how Kaya, MTV’s new “scripted drama” (I love that they have to advertise that now since EVERYTHING else is a Laguna Beach spin-off), has not incited a lawsuit from the folks over at Instant Star. My guess is that MTV and The N being under the same corporate umbrella helps.

In addition to the similar premise (young girl becomes overnight rockstar), Kaya’s got an aspiring fashion designer BFF named Kat… er, Nat, an overly involved dad, an absentee mom, and a hardheaded music producer named Tommy… er, T. But it’s not like she and T have any sexual tension now that they’ve slept together.

The fact that she went ahead and had sex with the inappropriately older producer is what kind of sold me on the show. It’s like Instant Star with more grit and drugs and dead sisters talking from beyond the grave. Wait, I kind of loathe that last part. But I do like that the stakes seem astronomically higher for Kaya as she and her band yell their way through No Doubt-like tension and deal with bottom line-loving music execs in an attempt to make it beyond one hit wonder status.

I also like the flashbacks to the days when the band first got together. It’s nice to see their youthful exuberance juxtaposed with the jaded anger and resentment that came with making it big. And the music? Pretty damn catchy*. Check out the official video below. It’s been stuck in my head all day.

*Full disclosure requires me to admit that Alexz Johnson (AKA Instant Star’s Jude) is the most played artist on my iTunes playlist and that I recently purchased an import of Season 3’s soundtrack because I couldn’t wait until it was made available in the States. Please feel free to judge or commiserate as you see fit.

Moments in TV Awesome: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

2007-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Unapologetically un-PC and always envelope-pushing, It's Always Sunny... is more hit than it is miss and whipping boy Charlie has slowly emerged as the consistently funniest member of the amoral gang. Even funnier than his illiteracy is his penchant for writing super kickass songs.

The Education of Jaime Sommers

2007-10-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

It's confusing and hard to imagine, but last night was simultaneously the worst and best episode of Bionic Woman. Impressive?

The thing that made it excruciating was Jaime's "fake" British accent while undercover. It was spot on, which is logical since Michelle Ryan's British. But you know what calls attention to your sometimes-stilted American accent? Flawlessly throwing around phrases like "oi!" and "brilliant!" in your native lilt. It was unnecessary, overly inside-jokey and only made bearable by Jaime's banter with Herc from FNL.

And that's where the awesome comes in: Herc (no, I don't plan on learning his actual character name) is Bionic's Landry. He’s that adorable, kids. Also awesome was the introduction of a cute CIA love interest for Jaime. With the death of the boring botmaker, she’s due for a cute non-civilian to get her altered blood pumpin’.

I'm chalking up the unevenness of the episode to the showrunner changing of the guard and hoping for more palpable chemistry and less of the wink-wink shit.

Asshats, Rapists and Bitches: Canadian Style

2007-10-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again at Degrassi: talent show time. Interestingly, it's also time for Craig to be an ass (this time off-camera – impressive!), Ashley to be a bitch (must be a day ending in “y”) and Darcy to deal with something awful that has already befallen another character (she's followed Emma with internet predators, Manny with photo-happy Peter and now Paige with rape). My favorite Bible-thumper (sorry, Lyla) needs a break.

So Craig's post-rehab album has dropped and although he gave Jimmy a shout-out in the liner notes, Ashley's name was MIA. Makes sense (bitch cheated on him and dumped him via Ellie from across an ocean) except that she wrote one of the songs he recorded. Apparently copyright laws are different in Canada, cause Ashley martyrs that she can always make more music. At the Degrassi Talent Show. Sad. Jimmy tries to spice up her droning emo blahness with some freestyle rap (cause Jimmy raps now... please don't ask, cause I don't know) and Ashley gets a bug up her ass about being his sidekick.

Marco/Ellie/Paige’s new roomie conveniently wants Jimmy to perform at some open mic night thing he’s doing at a club. Ashley decides to throw her talentless self on the pyre of her dreams and let her better half perform alone. But when a record producer wants to hear more of Jimmy’s tracks with her as a producer, she decides to just send in her own stuff. Crippled, selfless boyfriend be damned. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I hate Ashley.

On to poor Darcy… She wasn’t in the episode, but I’m pretty sure her rapist was. That’s right, I’m throwing around rape accusations like this was Veronica Mars. Previously on Degrassi: Manny thought a Lakehurst kid named Sav was cute so she and Darcy went on a snowboarding trip to be near him and assorted other kids. Darcy and Peter (who she’s dating despite the whole convincing her to do softcore and then leaking the pics to everyone and their dog thing) get into a fight and she ends up downing a spiked drink and losing her virginity. Shanae Grimes, who recently took home the Gemini Award for Best Actress on a Youth Program, did a great job of slowly peeling back the layers of Darcy’s confusion and despair as she realized that she hadn’t made a drunken mistake with her boyfriend, but had been raped by a stranger.

This week on Degrassi: Sav was back as a possible love interest for TeenMom. It was a boring storyline, but it kept ol’ Sav on the radar. There’s no way we’re done with Darcy’s rape storyline and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that charming Sav has the same dark complexion as the hand that slipped Darcy the roofies. Unless they’re going to introduce a random new ethnic character, my guess is that the rapist is either Sav or Manny’s cute Damian and I’m way less attached to Sav.

Next week: Degrassi goes Night of the Living Dead!

The "Oh no he di'n't!" Award of the Week goes to...

2007-10-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Tim Riggins. For trying to use Jesus (the Son of man, not the linebacker whose Mom makes killer empanadas) to get into Lyla Garrity's pants. Though shameful, it was hilarious and almost as awkward as his speech at the football banquet.

Short Takes

2007-10-18T21:06:00.001-07:00

In light of TV kind of blowing lately, the blog’s been a little quiet. So let's get the ball rolling...

After a lackluster pilot, Bionic Woman keeps getting better and better with Friday Night Lights headwriter Jason Katims at the helm. And I love Starbuck with her crazy eyes and sneer of a smile.

Speaking of FNL, I'm sticking by it, murder and all.

Private Practice has made me cry three times. Plus, it’s like 30% less whiney than Grey’s Anatomy.

Aliens in America is fearlessly honest and laugh-out-loud funny. It’s my favorite thing on the CW, though the only other thing I’m watching is Gossip Girl. Yes, I just admitted that.

My Name is Earl and 30 Rock are even better than last year. Sadly, a full hour of The Office is a bit too much (though this week was leaps and bounds beyond the last few episodes).

Dirty Sexy Money is full of glittery, broken characters that I adore after only a handful of episodes.

Degrassi feels like déjà vu, but it’s funny déjà vu with awesomely bad hair.

The best part of Reaper is the Devil. The worst part of Chuck is Morgan. Captain Awesome is a close second.

Pushing Daisies is too quirky/precious for its own good, but Ned's a dreamboat.

I really don’t believe Ted would include so many sex stories in the ongoing tale of How I Met Your Mother.

And I hope Kristen Bell's superpower is keeping me awake during Heroes.

My favorite new character...

2007-10-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

Whether he's viciously talking shit about Nick's recently deceased father or gruffly ordering his illegitimate son to pretend he doesn't speak English, Brian Darling is a Grade-A asshole. A thin veneer of piety covers his shallow, paranoid soul and I absolutely love him.

Dirty Sexy Money is my favorite new show of the season and it's Brian and the other Darlings who make it sparkle. Nick's the heart, but they're the fun.

You too can dress like your 2nd favorite* attempted date rapist

2007-09-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong: I too find myself watching TV and thinking "Wow, that's a cute top. I wonder where I can purchase something similar?" I even enjoyed how last season on the CW website, you could look up things like what brand of jeans Lorelai was sporting or who made Veronica's fun graphic thermal. But as I was watching Gossip Girl online (what? I'm all about second chances -- see "Star, Instant"), I was a little grossed out by the happy little box that popped up to tell me where I could find Serena's $500 bag or Jenny's $250 purse, which... isn't Jenny supposed to be the poor one?

TV's a business. And it's not like Gossip Girl is The Wire. I expect brand name-dropping and product placement. There's just something about a thought bubble popping up in the middle of the alleged entertainment to entice me into an online purchase. "Isn't this a great song? It's The Bravery -- buy it NOW!!!" Back in the day of The OC, networks had the decency to say "Hey, now that the show's over, these were the catchy tunes featured." We live in a world of multi-tasking and cross-promotions. Maybe the target audience of Gossip Girl is so wrapped up in their simultaneous IM convos that they don't think twice about viewing and downloading and purchasing all at once. Maybe I'm just old.

*Your favorite attempted date rapist (Dick Casablancas) wouldn't be caught dead in Chuck's nancy-boy threads.

Does this make the wannabe Angel the new Duncan or Logan the new Spike?

2007-09-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

God help me, I really wanted to like Moonlight. Sure, a vampire PI in LA, I've seen that before. But Angel didn't have Jason Dohring in all his snarky bad boy glory. Though I was disappointed, I'll admit that the same people who love spending their Friday nights with The Ghost Whisperer will also love seeing a vampire romance the online reporter he has been "watching over" since he saved her life when she was a child. Yeah, that's what I said. He's seen her grow up and now he's ready for a piece. Like James Woods only less wrinkly.

Dohring was fine. It took a while to warm up to hearing that nasal growl come out of the mouth of a different character (especially one in suspenders). And while he brings a dark, dry sense of humor to the role, it was still a bit like watching an undead Logan smack in the middle of his bum fights stage (which, to be fair, was one of his most amusing stages).

Speaking of Veronica Mars, I did squeak with glee when we learned that the dead girl was a coed at Hearst College. But as the characters spent more time snooping around the campus to find the faux vampire killer, I kept wishing Miss Mars would show up to school the blonde reporter in the ways of undercover espionage. Cause really? It was so obviously the TA. It's always the TA; Hearst has a terrible screening process.

Moments in TV Awesome: Grey's Anatomy

2007-09-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

You know what? I like George and Izzie. Apparently I'm the only one in the Western hemisphere -- even Shonda Rhimes is like "I never said they were destined to be a great love story" -- but I think their storyline is perfect. I care a lot more about them as a couple than I do McDreamy and Meredith, who in the season opener both needed a big dose of SHUT UP.

Izzie's nice. George is nice. They're best friends and he's married so there's a lot of drama and forbidden angst. What's not to love about that? Is it that she's too hot for him? Cause I think George is pretty adorable and aside from the whole drunkenly cheating on his wife and being in love with another woman thing, in real life, he'd be a way better catch than, say, Karev.

So I present to you a moment that I think is awesome. And yes, I'm aware that their fan name is Gizzie.

Friday Night Lights returns October 5

2007-09-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

Or watch it online until September 30 at http://tv.yahoo.com/falltv2007/friday-night-lights/show/38958/videos/4151897

It's times like this that you have to ask yourself, "WWRD?" And as someone who recently saw him at the airport, I'll tell you what Riggins would do. Look hot. Even while rockin' a do rag.

I may be a 13 year-old boy...

2007-09-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

But does anyone else think Survivor China sounds like "survive vagina?" Brings new meaning to Outwit Outplay Outlast...

Fall Premiere Schedule

2007-09-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Here's a list of the TV shows I'm interested in and when they air. Sorry, Dancing with the Stars and CSI: Boring didn't make the cut.

MONDAY
September 24
8:00 Chuck (NBC)
How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
8:30 Big Bang Theory (CBS)
9:00 Heroes (NBC)
October 1
8:30 Aliens in America (CW)
October 15
9:30 Samantha Who (AKA I Am Sam) (ABC)
October 22
10:30 Kaya (MTV)

TUESDAY
September 25
8:00 Beauty and the Geek (CW - premiered last week)
9:00 Reaper (CW)
10:00 Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC)

WEDNESDAY
September 26
9:00 Bionic Woman (NBC)
Private Practice (ABC)
Gossip Girl (CW – premiered last week)
10:00 Life (NBC)
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC)
October 3
8:00 Pushing Daisies (ABC)
10:00 South Park (Comedy Central)
10:30 The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central)

THURSDAY
September 27
8:00 My Name is Earl (NBC)
Smallville (CW)
Ugly Betty (ABC)
9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
The Office (NBC)
10:00 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX - already premiered)
October 4
8:30 30 Rock (NBC)

FRIDAY
September 28
9:00 Moonlight (CBS)
October 5
5:00 Degrassi (The N)
9:00 Friday Night Lights (NBC)
October 12
10:00 Men in Trees (ABC)

SUNDAY
September 30
9:00 Desperate Housewives (ABC)
October 21
8:00 Viva Laughlin (CBS)

Moments in TV Awesome: Dead Like Me

2007-09-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly it doesn't even involve Mason and Daisy.

The hardest working girl on The N

2007-09-14T08:37:00.001-07:00

I'm as happy as the next Canadian 13 year-old that Cassie Steele (Degrassi's Manny Santos) has joined Season Four of Instant Star, but does she have to have such bad hair? I get that her character is named Blu, but not even Pink takes her name that literally anymore. And it really does nothing for her olive complexion. Don't even get me started on her new Degrassi hair. Blonde with mini bangs? The only explanation that I can come up with involves her and Emma merging into one hormonal, sorta slutty pregnancy scare waiting-to-happen. Her hair on the Best Years was fairly normal (save the scenes with the Wonder Woman tiara), but her character has disappeared and so has my interest in the show. Not even Paige ODing on coke and twitching on the floor was enough to stifle my yawn.

Kristen Bell may or may not be filming outside my office. Right now. Or not.

2007-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal. I work across the street from Palladium (in the building that was used as the NBS offices on Studio 60). Yesterday, one of the parking lots adjacent to the Palladium was being set up to film something.

This morning the Former Subletter (and current coworker) parked his car in a nearby lot and saw make-up people touching up a petite blonde actress whom he immediately thought was KB. "80-20" is his level of sureness.

Now about the set: it certainly looks like a Heroes set. It looks like a shipping yard and there's a big ass green screen behind the whole thing. This is way more exciting than the day we saw Bradly Whitford and Matthew Perry doing pratfalls outside a limo on the same stretch of asphalt.

UPDATE: The FS looked it up and Heroes films a couple of blocks away at Sunset Gowers Studios. So does Dexter. And petite blonde Julie Benz is on that show. The mystery continues!

UPDATE #2: Our IT dude saw the old Indian dude from Heroes at a nearby burger place. He said they were just coming from a shoot. But since the studio's nearby, that doesn't really confirm anything. But isn't he dead?

Gossip Girl Schmossip Girl

2007-09-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

After being throroughly underwhelmed by the pilot for Gossip Girl, I started wondering why it didn't work for me. Uniformly attractive kids? Check. Fun locale and clothes to die for? Check. Seth Cohen-style misfit who's way to cute to be anonymous at even the poshest private school, but somehow is? Check.

The formula was there, but the spark wasn't. And then I got to thinking about another soap about uniform-wearing kids and misbehaving adults that recently caught my attention. Hollyoaks. I've only caught a handful of episodes on BBC America, but they've all left me wanting more. Uniformly attractive kids? Nope, some of 'em are pretty homely. Fun locale and clothes to die for? Not really. Pacey Witter-style teacher's pet who has now made a decidely non-Pacey move by turning on the mother of his unborn child and charging her with statch? Check!

American soaps are generally about the rich and fabulous and while I'm all for that brand of escapism, I'll take a good storyline about a pub explosion over a dull debutante debacle any day of the week.

Tim Gunn's Elements of Style

2007-09-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

If I had a magic lamp, one of my wishes would definitely be for Tim Gunn to be my uncle. Though he wouldn't be terribly interested in my early years (beyond hand smocking Easter dresses and starting my first charm bracelet), we would grow close after picking out the perfect prom dress in a last minute rush. In my college years, we'd settle into a comfy routine of shopping and lunching at unbearably fancy places. He'd bemoan my penchant for flats and hoodies and I'd agree to at least try on the pumps and pencil skirts. Then Veronica Webb would show up to help me buy cute underwear, which would be fine. I would, however, forget to show up for my appointment with his weird life coach friend.

Opening Credits Bonanza: Original Themes

2007-09-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

These shows not only had cool credits, they also had kickass theme songs with original lyrics to accompany them. Makes the folks over at Lost look like a bunch of slackers, am I right?

Before (and after) TV made them stars

2007-09-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

Even though I bought it years ago on DVD (at Target for $5 so shut up), if DRIVE ME CRAZY is on TV, I'm watching it. As a connoisseur of the genre, I'll tell you that this underrated teen comedy falls somewhere between SHE’S ALL THAT and 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU. How have those involved fared since DRIVE ME CRAZY was released in 1999? Somewhere between FREDDIE and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Some of them got started on TV. Some of them are now TV stars. Some of them don’t work much. Let’s take a look!

MELISSA JOAN HART was the title characters on the sitcoms CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (brilliant!) and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH (not-so-brilliant). After playing DMC’s Type-A Nicole, she squeezed the last drop of entertainment value out of SABRINA and added director to her resume, helming episodes of the teen shows TANIA and SO WEIRD (starring, ahem, Alexz Johnson).

Like Hart, STEPHEN COLLINS was well-known from TV before playing her deadbeat dad. Since the death of his inexplicably long-running series 7TH HEAVEN, he has mostly stuck to appearing in films, but he did make a hilarious guest appearance last season on IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA.

Dreamy boy-next-door Chase (ADRIAN GRENIER) has also made forays into directing and films, but is now famous for playing coincidentally-named movie star Vincent Chase on HBO’s critically acclaimed comedy ENTOURAGE.

Of the supporting cast, HEROES star ALI LARTER is probably the most well known, but LOURDES BENDICTO played slain bank teller Eva on ABC’s short-lived THE NINE and after appearing on JACK & BOBBY, KERI LYNN PRATT had recurring roles last season on BROTHERS & SISTERS and VERONICA MARS (as the slutty sorority girl who seduced Patty Hearst). Also last season, Pratt’s boorish boyfriend JORDAN BRIDGES was a regular on CONVICTION and snooty KERAM MALICKI-SANCHEZ had a recurring role on THE L WORD.

And who wrote DMC? Drumroll, please. VERONICA MARS creator ROB THOMAS. Is it any wonder that the only fault I find in the film is in the execution and not the smart, quippy script?

South of Nowhere/North of Awesome

2007-09-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

I love The N, but I'm wary of their non-Canadian programming. Beyond the Break? South of Nowhere? Those people are too pretty for The N! They're so shiny and cookie-cutter. I'm all for awkward stages and bad haircuts, Degrassi-style. My first thought upon seeing bits of South of Nowhere was "Wow. So it's like softcore for tweens? The two cutest lipstick lesbians on the West Coast found one another and spend all their time frolicking in SoCal. Yawn."

I was so wrong. What seemed like a wispy soap is an often heart wrenching drama about prejudice, family and love. In contrast to Degrassi’s issue of the week, SoN uses its issues as a backdrop for an ongoing story about a family that relocates from Ohio to Los Angeles. The heart of the show is Spencer, who upon moving to LA is drawn to sexually rebellious Ashley, the wild child of a rock star. Three seasons in, Spencer has come to terms with her sexuality, come out to an understanding father and a homophobic mother, and dealt with the loss of her first love. And now her new girlfriend is showing abusive tendencies. Drama!

Last season’s mostly peripheral turf warfare culminated in a drive-by shooting at prom. In the first episode of this season, it was revealed that Spencer’s overachieving adopted brother Clay was among the casualties. It takes balls to not only kill off a main character, but also to leave a gaping hole in his wake. You know what makes for compelling TV? His imperfect family and reluctantly pregnant girlfriend struggling to cobble their lives back together.

Degrassi Sneak Peak

2007-09-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

So Season 7's going to freaking rule, y'all. And I have to say, the choice to integrate Lakehurst and Degrassi is potentially brilliant. The influx of new (and presumably younger) characters will keep the franchise going and the residual anger of JT's death will bring high school histrionics to new and beautiful heights.

Also? Can we talk about Manny's bangs (and eventual blonde dye job) and Spinner with a mutha scratchin' Mohawk? Hardcore!

Pilot Round Up: Part Uno

2007-08-30T17:10:00.001-07:00

PUSHING DAISIES: Lee Pace? Bryan Fuller? Even before I read the script, I was inclined to like ABC's new "forensic fairytale." And I did. Now that I've seen the pilot (or pie-lette as it's so cutely labeled), I'm in love. It's the magic of Wonderfalls with healthy doses of Dead Like Me’s matter-of-fact, goofy darkness and Big Fish’s expansive visuals. I'm anxious to see where the story goes and also about how it will be received by a mass audience. Maybe its uniqueness will strike a chord. Maybe it'll be largely ignored like Fuller and Pace's other little masterpiece.

THE IT CROWD: Another one I wanted to like. It's not being picked up and it's just as well. I'm not sure why anyone was paid to write an almost exact replication of the UK version – save an Americanization or two and one dumbed down explanation of an originally absurdist joke. Oy. Instead of dwelling on miscasting and awkward execution, I'll just look forward to the UK's Season 2.

MISS/GUIDED: When I heard that Rob Thomas was going to be the showrunner of this one, I was so excited. Then he left amid "creative differences" and I was disappointed (don't you love this insight into my inner pysche?). I'm no longer disappointed. Judy Greer is a fantastic actress and very easy to root for. Sometimes I even felt myself rooting for her in 13 Going on 30 (and she's a villainous bitch in that). And yet, that fairly two-dimensional villain is way more interesting than her awkward guidance counselor in Miss/Guided. I don't even remember her name. And Brooke Burns (or Burke... the one who used to be blonde and broke her neck at some point) is completely flat as a generically bitchy former homecoming queen. I saw the twists coming from miles away and even then, they had me yawning.

SAM I AM: Speaking of 13 Going on 30, Christina Applegate's new show is a lot like a more grounded version of that film. And I mean that in a good way. This was a pilot that I wasn't apt to like. One of the co-creators, Cecelia Ahren, is a young, gorgeous writer whose first book I disliked so much I not only didn't finish it, I took it to the bookstore and demanded my money back. It's now been made into a film with Gerard Butler (mmm Attila...) so apparently not everyone had the same reaction. Anyway, I approached this pilot with the expectation that Ahren would once again disappoint. And she did. In that she didn't. Confused? Me too. Basically, I loved the pilot. Applegate has done no wrong since Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and the supporting cast is stellar. Barry Watson is appealing as the mysteriously nice (ex)boyfriend and I'm already in love with Melissa McCarthy's cheerfully pathetic wannabe sidekick.

Opening Credits Bonanza: My Childhood

2007-08-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

No matter where I was in the house, the first chords of these themes would send me running for the den.

Greek: Separation Anxiety

2007-08-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, my bff/college roomie/hetero-lifemate Mac called and said "Do you remember how we used to IM each other from across the room? They're totally doing it on Greek." This is a variation on a conversation we frequently have about the show. “Remember when drinking before noon (on a week day) was socially acceptable?” “Remember theme parties?” “Remember when our friends took pharmaceutical psychostimulants to study for tests and didn't OD'd or get caught in order to teach us a lesson about life?” You get the idea: We miss college.

And this show, like college, is all about grey area. As much as I love me some teen melodrama, it's nice to see a show that presents the collegiate experience the way I remember it. And since I went to a very preppy Southern school, yes, many of my peers were that attractive and stylish.

The recent storyline about Ashleigh and Casey's faltering friendship really took me back. There were times in college when I found myself wanting to shepherd a friend away from a less-than-worthy suitor. And like Casey, I learned that imposing ones idea of perfection on ones friends rarely leads to a “Thanks You,” but more often to a forced look at ones own screwed up love life. What Case hasn't learned yet is that obnoxious college boyfriends often turn into husbands and people are more likely to side with a spouse than a bossy friend. Also, if you've protested too much, you end up seeming like a total cooze at the wedding.

Disclaimer: Mac did not marry a Travis. She married a Rusty in Evan's clothing. I think that comparison just got weird. I apologize.

Why Lifetime RULES

2007-08-26T18:06:00.001-07:00

Miss Instant Star herself Alexz Johnson, Magda Apanowicz (Kyle XY's cancer-stricken Andy) and Degrassi's Emma and Alex (Miriam McDonald and Deanna Casaluce) will star in the Lifetime original movie Devil's Diary. Mark your calendars: September 22.

Kick Ass Casting News

2007-08-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

Is it my birthday? Seriously. It MUST be. First I hear that yes, One Tree Hill will time warp into the future next season (awesome!). Also! Chad will now be a successful novelist facing a mean case of writers block (kind of a rip-off of former OTH hunk Bryan Greenberg on October Road, but I’m nothing if not forgiving). And then this news:
From People Magazine Online:
"Kevin Federline has landed a guest-starring role on the CW's One Tree Hill. In the multi-episode arc, the would-be rapper plays Jason, 'a cocky, enigmatic frontman' for No Means Yes, a legendary rock band in the show's fictional setting of Tree Hill, N.C, according to the network."

Somebody pinch me! This is so freaking rad! KFed and CMM could have a squint off to end all squint offs. The FORMER Subletter (he's asked to be referred to as such from now on) fears that the presence of these two behemoths of douche will be too much for one screen to hold. It’ll be like the end of Raider of the Lost Ark, all melting faces and soul sucking terror. I say it's as good a way to go as any.

Guess who's joining Heroes?!

2007-08-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

From Variety:

"Peacock has snagged (Kristen) Bell for a key multiepisode arc of its sophomore sensation. Casting is a major coup for NBC since Bell -- who plays the title character in Judd Apatow’s upcoming 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' -- was reportedly being sought for several TV gigs, including a part on ABC’s 'Lost.'

Bell will make her first “Heroes” appearance in October. She’ll play Elle, a character described as a sexy, mysterious young lady who has ties to the supposed death of Peter, H.R.G.’s past and the future of Claire. Elle will kick off her arc by committing a serious crime, though it’s unclear whether she’s good or bad."

In related news: Guess who will now be watching Heroes?

Watch This NOW: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

2007-08-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is the creation of The UK Office's annoying IT guy Matthew Holness and The IT Crowd's socially retarded IT guy Richard Ayoade. It aired in the UK's Channel 4 in 2004 and thanks to the magic of the internet, it can be viewed on youtube. Hilarious is an understatement. Also check out their related 2006 series Man to Man with Dean Learner.

This is the second episode, "Hell Hath Fury," and it perfectly captures the gleeful misogyny of the characters. As a silly woman, it's the kind of straight talk I can appreciate.

Lonelygirl15 goes legit

2007-08-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Just like the Blair Witch before her, I knew Lonelygirl15's Bree was fake before I watched a second of footage. After reading the LA Times article, I watched a handful of episodes, was impressed with the new model for entertainment and then basically forgot about her. Then I heard Jessica Rose, the actress who played Bree, was in I Know Who Killed Me and I thought, "Good for her." Then I thought, "Wait. Now she's been exposed to Lohan. Maybe not so good."

Well Rose survived that experience and now she's got the recurring role of Zeta Beta pledge (and Rusty love interest!) Jen K. on Greek. Her fizzy energy is perfect for a character who's chatty awkwardness successfully plays down her beauty. And all that time confessionalizing to a web cam seems to have given her an appealingly unselfconscious style of delivery.

Opening Credits Bonanza: How I Met Your Mother

2007-08-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

See? The opener doesn't have to be long in order to completely capture the tone of the show.

Don't You (Forget About Me)

2007-08-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite types of TV episodes (coming in just after wacky Halloween specials) is the homage. They can be as blatant as Felicity’s Twilight Zone ep or as subtle as Battlestar’s nod to The Hunt for Red October. My personal favorite is also one of the most obvious: The Breakfast Club. Below are three translations of John Hughes’ classic tale of bonding during Saturday School.

Degrassi: The Next Generation “Take On Me” (2004): This is the most literal of the homages. Ellie is the Basketcase, Hazel is the Princess, Jimmy is the Jock, Sean is the Criminal and Toby is the Brain. Radditch dresses like Principal Vernon and works out quite disturbingly on a Swedish exercise ball while the kids take over the school. Rather than bridging cliques, Jimmy and Hazel hook up while Ellie and Sean bond over mutually freaking other people out, cementing their differences as couples. And all Toby gets is a pity kiss on a dare from Hazel. But that’s more than he usually gets. Especially since it's the episode directly following Manny and the Abortion (AKA "Accidents Will Happen"), this is not at the top of Degrassi's "go there" game.

Dawson’s Creek “Detention” (1998): The gang all get detention (for reasons ranging from assault to masturbation on school grounds) along with bad grrrl Abby (who claims to have participated in a gangbang prior to landing in Saturday School). Abby takes on the Judd Nelson role, instigating a game of Truth or Dare and happily prodding the tender participants of the Jen/Dawson/Joey triangle as she forces Dawson and Joey to share their first kiss under the guise of a dare.

Written by the wonderful Mike White, my favorite moment of this episode is when they chattily discuss TBC (as those Creekers were wont to do) and get to the “But where are the actors now?” topic. Pacey chimes in that Emilio Estevez “made those Duck movies. Those were classic!” Totally.

ER “Secrets and Lies” (2002): Not the first series one would think of when paying homage to TBC, this one is actually my favorite. After a dominatrix brings a client into the ER, Abby, Carter, Luka, Susan and Gallant get busted by Weaver for checking out the contents of her bag. When Weaver finds a dildo in her locker, the gang gets sentenced to a sexual harassment sensitivity seminar.

The instructor for the seminar runs several hours late and as a result, the characters get to know one another better. Abby and Susan bond, straight-laced Gallant reveals himself to be from an almost entirely military family and we learn that while Carter was deflowered by the help at an early age, Luka waited until his wedding night with his late wife. Instead of romantic relationships being built, we see them crumbling. Carter, taking on the antagonistic Judd Nelson role, goads Luke into a “friendly” duel and eventually reveals that he once had Weaver’s locker. By the end of the episode, Susan breaks it off with Carter and tells him that he should tell Abby he’s madly in love with her.

And now I leave you with the trailer for the original. Man, Saturday School was never this lifechanging at my school.

Alex goes there. Emma doesn't.

2007-08-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

For someone who began as barely a character, just some girl to hang on Jay’s arm and throw dirty looks at Emma, Alex Nunez has come a long way. She left the baggy pants and wife beaters with the self-hating homophobia and as a proud lesbian, has embraced her unique hotness. Seriously, since when is Alex so smokin’?

In the two-part Season Six finale we focus on Alex (and to the Subletter’s dismay, on-again girlfriend Paige). Her mother’s occasionally abusive and always monosyllabic live-in Chad gets sent to the clink for identity theft. Among those he defrauded? BadMom. Now she and Alex are drowning in credit card debt and on the verge of being evicted. After getting a job as a server at a strip club (much to Paige’s disgust), Alex’s need for big money wins out and she takes to the stage. The most searing moment comes when Alex, having had enough of being treated like a whore by the patrons, quits and is accosted by BadMom, who will never understand what her daughter did to help the family. As BadMom calls Alex selfish for giving up a lucrative job, Chad walks in and we see that all Alex’s hard-earned money was used to bail the asshole out of jail. In that instant, Alex breaks free of her albatross of a mother and walks out of the needy bitch’s life. Of course, she walks straight into the needy arms of Paige, but what can you do?

In the land of people we no longer care about, Emma’s pissed that Sean wants to join the Canadian Army so suddenly she’s pregnant. She doesn’t trust the 99% accuracy of pregnancy tests and insists that it’s probably a false negative. Moron/bitch. She tries to use the non-baby as leverage to make Sean stay under her thumb, but he seems to think that having a child is an even more powerful reason to learn a trade and make money for a young family. Emma hates logic and informs her mom and Manny that she’s pregnant. As two people who have dealt with such a mistake, they make Emma take a pregnancy test, but before she can pee on the strip, she gets her period. Yay? She acts happy and like she wasn’t making the whole thing up, which is weird cause Miriam McDonald was totally playing it like “crazy girl lies about pregnancy scare” until that moment. Afterward, I think she and Sean broke up on good terms, it was kind of boring and I was busy enjoying the fact that Toby won Ice King and that the winter dance was filled with people (Ashley, Jimmy, the AfroTwins) who we hadn’t seen in a long, long time.

Next season: We’ll pick up in the middle of the school year and it looks like TeenMom will be back (boo!) along with other assorted Lakehurst toughs who will now attend Degrassi (yay!).

Opening Credits Bonanza: Buffy

2007-08-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

A good opening credit sequence is like sorbet. It cleanses the viewer's palate and primes their appetite for the main course. Following the lead of Lost, more shows are forgoing the sorbet and just diving into the prime rib (or greasy burger). In the inaugural post of Opening Credits Bonanza, I’d like to celebrate Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The hard-driving score by Nerf Herder combined with rat-a-tat editing perfectly reflects the tongue-and-cheek thrill ride that is guaranteed to follow.

In the Season 4 episode "Superstar," recurring character Jonathan uses dark magic to insert himself into the lives of the Scoobies. In a stroke of surreal brilliance, the show incorporated this development into the episode's opening.

And in the realm of fanmade vids, the Buffy theme served as inspiration for an alternate opening sequence for fellow teen girl superstud Veronica Mars.

What ever happened to Nerf Herder?

Overthinking TV

2007-08-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

So I was watching Greek the other day, enjoying a fun episode about date parties and sex, and I noticed nods to both Grey’s Anatomy and Ugly Betty. Not surprising since they’re both on ABC, Greek’s parent channel. What struck me as strange was that Grey’s Anatomy was referenced as a show that the characters watch, while Mode, Ugly Betty’s employer, was referenced as a magazine that everyone reads. Following that logic, Ugly Betty and Greek exist in the same universe. Spencer could be Betty’s summer intern. Zaniness could ensue.

Over on The N, things get even stickier. Aubrey Graham and Stacey Farber of Degrassi appeared as themselves on an episode of Instant Star. So in the universe of Instant Star, Degrassi is a popular Canadian show. But on a recent episode of Degrassi, the characters were singing a Jude Harrison song at Karaoke. So in the universe of Degrassi, Jude’s a rockstar. Logically those scenarios should negate one another and the Epitome Pictures back lot should implode, leaving a blackhole in the middle of Toronto. Though logically, I shouldn’t think this deeply about a show that isn't Lost.

A Reservoir of Steel

2007-08-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve read complaints that Rose Byrne isn’t tough enough to hold her own opposite Glenn Close on FX’s addictive new drama Damages. After the first two episodes, I beg to differ. I can’t wait to watch her transform from the fresh-faced, easily-manipulated associate of the flashbacks to the present-day woman sitting in a police interrogation room, wearing a dead-eyed glare and her fiancé’s blood.

I have a feeling that during that journey, Byrne will allow Ellen to gain her own footing, if only to lose it horrifically in the end. Speaking of horrific, remind me never to let Glenn Close pet-sit.

Moments in TV Awesome: Veronica Mars

2007-07-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

Dick started out as a day player, merely one of Logan's minions who got to say things like "Let's kick his ass." When he was given a bigger role, that of Logan's main goon, he was just a malevolent source of comic relief. Then Beaver died and we got to see a more complex dick and some nice work from Ryan Hansen. I now present an evolution from dick to Dick.

Now let's hope he just gets the drinking under control in cancellation heaven.

The Best/Worst Years

2007-07-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

So The Best Years went from promising to bad to so bad it's awesome. In last week's episode, they were all at a pep rally and some jock refused to let Samantha (that's her with the brown hair and the bangs) see superstar jock Devon (dread dude) unless she proved her school spirit by jumping over a lame ass bonfire. Seriously. And she was all set (with everyone chanting after Devon announced her totally awesome intentions to the crowd), but she stopped short and Devon looked like "Man, you really don't love me if you're unwilling to jump over fire for me. Bitch." Then his actual girlfriend Shannon (not pictured) pathetically leapt over the flames and into his arms. It was so lame that I watched it three times. And it didn't stop being funny.

Then the shit got even better. Devon and Samantha both PHYSICALLY ATTACKED their romantic rivals for each others affection and sweet nerdy Cynthia (not pictured) got super drunk after seeing her crush Noah (far left) kiss Samantha and said to Sam: "In Sammy's world, everything's just peachy...she gets whatever and whoever the hell she wants. Well Sam, guess what, in Cynthia's world, I see through your lies and if I could go back in time, you would have died that night and not John. You would have cracked your head on the hard ground. You. You stupid, self-obsessed, backstabbing bitch." I know! And while all that was going on, a scene from the show-within-the-show, Bel Air High, was playing and in THAT, Manny from Degrassi was coming onto Snaps (the chick with the curly hair). And that's when I knew that there was no way for me to turn away from a masterpiece like The Best Years.

When a good show goes bad, it's called jumping the shark. This episode of The Best Years inspired the Subletter to coin a new phrase: Jumping the fire. It's for that special moment when a bad show becomes legendary (see: Hill, One Tree).

This week was even better. There was an actually good storyline involving Snaps and the Bartender (the dude pictured with her in the middle) finding out that their beloved Lee is HIV positive. Snaps and Bartender are my favorite characters (and the best actors) but I totally don't know their actual character names. Weird. Anyway, the rest of the hour was a countdown to Cynthia's living up to the promos and trying to kill herself. Unfortunately, the character is mentally ill and was most likely molested by her dad and no matter how you come at that (even with bad acting and crazy behavior) that's not hilarious. But you know what is hilarious? Samantha literally trying to talk Cyn off a ledge with this bon mot: “If you do this, it’ll be all my fault. It will mess me up forever if I have to watch you do this.” Cynthia was right. She is a self-obsessed bitch.

Weevil love you long time...

2007-07-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

...Just not on Veronica Mars. He will, however, appear on the next episode of my favorite LA crime drama, The Closer, on Monday, July 30 at 9 on TNT (confession: I usually watch the repeat on Tuesday). So come to find out what's wrong with Brenda (pregnancy is obvious, maybe it's something scarier) and stay for Weeves. You know you miss him.

Moments in TV Awesome: Wonderfalls

2007-07-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

Wonderfalls was a brilliant (and only slightly flawed) show that blended the absurd and the ordinary with healthy doses of surreal sarcasm. I recently saw Michelle Featherstone perform live and I suddenly realized where I'd heard her haunting voice before: over this perfectly heartbreaking scene.

Jaye has come to tell Eric that she loves him and stop his impending remarriage to his whoring wife Heidi. Unfortunately, Eric has made his own momentous decision, to stop waiting for Jaye to admit she loves him and to honor the vows he made to Heidi. Oof.

Why Emma's a bitch, Reasons 4,037 - 4,041

2007-07-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

Emma and Sean are going to have sex (yeah, as Manny pointed out, we've heard that one before) so she takes into account the mistakes of her mother and best friends by getting a prescription for birth control and stocking up on prophylactics of the presumably correct size. Yay, Emma! But then Snake finds out and is understandably freaked out. He tells Spike that as one of Emma's parents, he'd like to contribute to the sex discussion and Emma glibly says that he contributes by cooking nightly dinners. Like a servant. Instead of acknowledging his feelings and explaining that she's protecting herself and capable of making her own decision, Emma plays the "You're just my STEP dad" card. Excuse me, bitch, would you rather have the sex talk with your REAL dad? The one who tried to KILL your mother while she was in labor? The one who's literally kind of retarded? I didn't think so.

So after being a complete cooze, Emma approaches Snake at school and accuses him of being unable to handle that she's "a sexual being." Ick. Meanwhile, he's like, "Can we talk about this later, I'm trying to fix a computer and I'm at work." To further awkward up the situation, Emma turns her power point assignment into a lecture on how men stifle women's sexuality. There's some blathering about double standards and she has somehow talked stupid, stupid Sean into posing shirtless for this project. I'm guessing he's also the one who bound her with duct tape, a symbolic move that will be forever be seared into the brain of her hapless father figure. And after all this horrible behavior, Snake tells her that she's right and apologizes for taking her growing up so hard. Argh! Does it mean I'm too old to watch Degrassi if I'm like "I'd ground that bitch for a month"?

Speaking of bitches, Paige has three: Spinner, Ellie's recent ex Jesse and Miss Alex, who against all odds, still loves herself some Michalchuk.

Toothless Secularization

2007-07-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Side Order of Life, in all its Ally McBeal-lite zaniness, is so damn blah. At the root of this is what I assume is a fear of turning off viewers with talk of the G word. That’s right, God has been replaced by “The Universe,” which is trying to tell our Calista-like protagonist that she needs to focus deeper than the shiny surface of life.

The milquetoast choice for our main character to undergo an existential crisis without any real spiritual questioning (even Wonderfalls’ narcissistic Jaye wondered if she was talking to God or the Devil) is indicative of the rest of the show’s problems. Everything is pleasant, never really plunging the depths of what could be a really interesting story. Sure, it’s not so nice that Vivy has cancer, but she retains her moxy and lives only to spout clichés about living life to the fullest (though she turns down a seductive gesture from a cute friend – who has time to screw when you’re fixing your BFF’s boring life?). Jenny’s news piece about the woman with three husbands and a lover? It all works out fine (and allegedly Pulitzer-worthy)! The lady wasn’t LEGALLY married to anyone so no need for any icky consequences.

From a network that so recently stepped up with the compellingly warts-and-all Army Wives, I’m disappointed in the utter meh of Side Order of Life and the usually sparkling Lili Taylor’s similarly lackluster State of Mind. My Universe, I’m looking forward to Holly Hunter’s new TNT show Saving Grace. It looks like it may have the balls to make more thought-provoking statements than “He’s like a great pair of shoes that’s not in your size.”

Similar Show Smackdown: Greek vs. The Best Years

2007-07-16T18:45:00.001-07:00

Both shows are about college, but the similarities don't stop there! They each feature a campus celebrity, a token black dude, a shaggy lothario with a heart of gold and a girl who gets into a sorority despite mugging down with the boyfriend of one of her future sisters. So who will win in this cable TV fight-to-the-death?
Rusty and Casey, the brother/sister stars at the forefront of Greek, are pretty damn perfect. They have a sweet sibling chemistry that I really buy and I'm already invested in the variety of characters that fill out their lives. I love the subtext-laden, but all smiles talk that Casey had with the pledge who unapologetically screwed Casey's boyfriend as well as the loyalty of Rusty's new brothers. Sure they kept him up all night doing light gardening in the backyard, but they're not going to let him flunk a pre-requisite for his major. Some of the sorority girls are a little cartoonish (mostly the president), but for the most part, Greek's an honest portrayal of the college life I experienced (though for the record, I was not in a sorority).

Other things I was not in college: a former foster child who witnessed and was tempted to cover up a death on the first day of school. The Best Years had an impressive pilot, but the following episodes have been a little on the meh side. The wad has been blown on the will they/won’t they relationship between Samantha and Devon. I’m dreading the future storylines that revolve around a couple that I actively dislike as a pair. I suppose it’s asking too much for our heroine to notice a sweetie like Noah, who despite looking 30, has won my heart. Who else do I love against my better judgment? Dawn and Trent with their actual will they/won’t they tension. And now that Kathryn’s ceased her inexplicable war against Samantha, maybe she won’t make me wanna gouge my own eyes out.

Here's what it comes down to, kids: honestly good TV vs. Canadian(?) Teenage Melodrama. I love both, but while I’m watching The Best Years for the veiled references to and guest appearances by cast members of Degrassi, I'll be watching Greek because I’m genuinely want to spend time with these characters.

Snap Judgements: A Model Life

2007-07-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

So Petra Nemcova's hosting a new show on TLC. The premise? She mentors young models who have the opportunity to win a modeling contract and get a foot hold in the industry. Sound familiar? Yeah, I'm hoping Tyra invites her to come on her talk show, where she'll go all Naomi Campbell and make that whole Tsunami thing seem like a picnic. That said, Petra's show (for better and worse) seems a lot more realistic, which makes for compelling TV.

British beauty Abigail is one of my favorites so far. Mostly because she doesn't seem like a bitch. The modeling agents aren't sure if she's a model or just a 16 year old kid. I was impressed when she shyly admitted that music's her passion and that she plays clarinet, saxophone, flugelhorn, and piano. That's so adorable.

Angelika's a douchebag. A California girl who doesn't really want to model, just make a "difference," she equates depth with dressing like a hobo and being rude and distant. My favorite moment? When a friendly makeup artist asked who her favorite models were and her response, dripping with disdain was "It's more about who my favorite PEOPLE are."

Beatrice is Brazilian and kind of dumb. At first I thought it was a lost in translation thing, but now I'm thinking it's an "I dropped out of school at 14 to model" thing. The most real moment of the episode came when she was told by one of the agents that she was too heavy to do an upcoming show and she'd need to lose weight. Instead of crying and talking about how unfair that was Top Model-style, she nodded and said "In the hips? Okay." Wow. On so many levels.

Lucia's Slovakian and I kind of love her. She's giggly and fun and has big blue eyes. She's quite friendly and her perfect English is a result of wanting so badly to make it as a model. As a person who flubbed college French, I have to give her props on that one.

Michelle’s one of those totally awkward weird models. When she arrived in New York, her hair was BAD. Apparently it’s very curly and she’s had two not-so successful straightening perms. Issues with curly hair? I feel ya, girl, but that short cut? Yikes. The agents try to fix it, but just make her look more alien, which could just be her thing. She kind of reminds me of early Twiggy.

Aussie Valeria’s favorite actor is Seann William Scott. If I didn’t love her before that admission, I do now. She’s the prettiest without makeup, very fresh and sweet, but in their first photo shoot, she was quite bland. I'm still rooting for her, cause damned if I don't love an underdog.

Will I watch A Model Life next week? Maybe if I have another sad Friday night of watching What Not to Wear and catching whatever's on afterward. If not, I'll probably end up spending a future Sunday being sucked into one of those marathons that make the world stop and to-do lists disappear. Hmmm. Marathons...

Kick Ass Casting News: Smallville

2007-07-11T19:11:00.001-07:00

Need two reasons to watch Smallville next year? Michael Cassidy (Hidden Palms's Cliff, The OC's Zach) is all but confirmed as a new Lois love interest and Laura Vandervoort (Instant Star's Sadie) will be Supergirl. So yes, I'll be swallowing the bile that rises every time I look at Lana and tuning in. The addition of Canadian Vandervoort is especially fun since one of my favorite TV games is Spot the Working Canuck Actor. Vancouver-based shows like Kyle XY, Battlestar, Eureka and Men in Trees are positively chock full of Canadians you never knew you always loved.

In sad casting news (not Fillion on DH sad, but close), Sam Huntington is going to be on ABC's Geico Cavemen sitcom. Maybe it'll be a savvy parody of modern racism. Maybe Huntington will bring the same wide-eyed humor he rocked in Not Another Teen Movie and Veronica Mars. Or maybe he'll be buried under mounds of prosthetic makeup and bad jokes. No matter what, I'll now have to give it a courtesy look. Damn my loyalty.

Degrassi: Free Fallin'

2007-07-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

Paige's life is imploding just as ex girlfriend Alex is coming into her own (top grades, cute new girlfriend, adorable new makeover). At prestigious Banting, Paige is suddenly no longer a big fish in a little pond. She's under tremendous pressure and has started having panic attacks and acting a little wacky (intentionally setting a trashcan fire, plagiarizing and essay, lying to her friends about a scholarship back in Toronto). Like I said, wacky.

Lauren Collins pulls off Paige's sometimes hard-to-follow actions and the bizarro world she finds herself in is something a lot of high school overachievers stumble into. I remember the sudden stress of studying subjects that didn't come as easily and worrying about impressing (or just not disappointing) intimidating professors and proud parents. Her downward spiral is reminiscent of the meltdowns in her rape storyline, but it feels like the writers haven't taken into account how much stronger she's become since moving past that Season 2 heartbreak.

My favorite moment of the episode: Marco singing the Instant Star ditty "Anyone But You" at Karaoke.

Moments in TV Awesome: American Idol

2007-07-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

This moment is why Kelly Clarkson is a star. She's got the chops, but she's also so endearing. This performance still gives me chills.

Fantasia is the first idol I was all about. I voted for her non-stop and this performance had me in tears. Literally. I was shocked, but it was so moving and perfect. Stick around after the performance for Quentin Tarantino's comments.

The fact that Carrie Underwood's a fellow Okie was all I needed to start rooting for her, but this was the jaw-dropping performance that blew me away.

Jake Kane in the bedroom with a revolver

2007-07-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

Hidden Palms is over. Yawn. Cliff was so trustworthy and sweet the whole episode that I was totally prepared (and excited) for him to get away with murder. Then the mention of Skip's long ago affair with Maria (and let's face it, the proximity of Secor as a shady dad) made me wonder if Greta and Eddie were half siblings. It would have given us a reason as to why he was boffing secret BFF Liza (he could no longer stomach the wooden affection of his half-sis!). And it would have given Greta Blah Blah Boringcakes a motive. Sort of.

Greta as the killer is about the only thing that would have redeemed her in my eyes. But, of course, she was an unwitting bystander in the murder(s) and the cover-up(s), just as she is in life. A catalyst and a whiner, but not a girl of action, that one.

The series was wrapped up fairly tidily with a bit too much happily ever after for anything with such a moody title sequence and so much freaking suicide. Bob and Mom are going to be married forever, Cliff and Nikki are going to give a plain ol’ dysfunctional teenage relationship a shot, Liza and Greta hugged and apparently Johnny’s now over his dad’s death. Or something. Oh and Skip will no doubt be brought to justice for the 2-3 murders he carried out.

Even with its literal bang, Hidden Palms sputtered its last breath, skidding to a halt as it ran low on different ways for Johnny to be led astray by people he should seriously not trust. I'll miss Cliff, Nikki and Leslie Jordan. Dog kicking, alcoholism and stone sober drag queen-ery has never been so fun.

Damn it, Fillion!

2007-07-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna watch Desperate Housewives. I don't have time to fit it into my viewing schedule and frankly, I can't stand Gabrielle or Lynette or Teri Hatcher. Or that girl who plays Teri Hatcher's daughter. So don't expect me to follow you over to that soapy "satire" just because you're a-going*.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3ie1d5fd3d6e69dbc7844738feedb2c3a3

*I'll totally be tuning in, for I am weak and he is Fillion.

Color me surprised

2007-06-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Instant Star must have sucked away my good will when it came to the folks over at The N 'cause I didn't have high hopes for The Best Years. Then I heard Lauren Collins of Degrassi would play a recurring character and I figured I'd give it a chance. LC doesn't appear in the pilot, but it's actually quite good.

The story revolves around an orphan who's been in fostercare since her parents' death ten years ago. Now she's moving on up from a foster home in Southie to a Harvard-like university where her classmates include a status-conscious roomie, a nerdy Asian chick, a basketball player with Wallace Fennel syndrome (short, but allegedy awesome) and the star of an overwrought teen drama that bears more than a passing resemblence to Degrassi (her character's name was Snaps Ortega).

The characters are well-drawn and more three dimensional than a lot of teen shows (Hidden Palms, I'm talking to you), the plot took dark turns I certainly didn't see coming, and it makes a nice companion to the summer episodes of Degrassi. That said, Samantha looked a little wobbly on her moral high horse towards the end of the episode, but being a little bit of an asshole is kind of what college is all about.

The pilot episode is currently available in The N's online media player, The Click, at the-n.com

Moments in TV Awesome: The OC and SNL

2007-06-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

I watched a tape of this season's finale over and over again, such was my love for this plot point. It had the potential to be a really cool turn for Marissa as a character and for her relationship with Ryan. Sure, she was trying to save him, but she SHOT his brother. That's rad. In the end, the show decided to forgoe any character development and went with a mind-numbingly stupid series of events in which everyone hated Marissa for saving Ryan and the police were sure Ryan was behind the shooting, despite overwhelming crime scene evidence to the contrary. Also, Trey living was LAME. So maybe this was the beginning of the end, but it was still all kinds of kick ass.

Also kickass was SNL's belated, but hilarious parody. And Samberg even kinda looks like Trey.

Logan graduates to CBS

2007-06-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Jason Dohring has been cast as an ancient vampire/mischievous young hedge-fund trader on Warner Bros. TV and Silver Pictures' Vampire/PI show Moonlight.

Who gave Joel Silver my dream journal?

Don't break out the Post-Its just yet...

2007-06-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

According to creators.com (I have no idea what it is either, but I was looking for news on Kirsten Cohen's engagement to some crazy rich Canadian and that's where I landed), MGM will soon (like in a week soon) begin production on the direct to DVD Dead Like Me movie that it announced in April. I can't find any other source that confirms (or even mentions) this news, but I'm excited.

Allegedly, Ellen Muth will reprise her role along with Callum Blue, Jasmine Guy, Cynthia Stevenson and Britt McKillip. No mention of Laura Harris, but Mandy Patinkin will be a no show as the storyline launches with Rube's replacement as the leader of the reapers.

So three cheers for Dead Like Me for rising from the ashes (and throw in one for Kelly Rowan for making kickass Lifetime movies and landing a freaking billionaire). Yay!

I'm confused

2007-06-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

When this whole thing began, did it not seem like Cliff was an awesome gay sociopath? Has the thickest sexual tension not been between Cliff and Johnny with their insta friendship and break-up/make-up bickering? Am I seriously to believe his current relationship with Nikki, past relationship with Greta and rekindled (?) relationship with Eddie's hot mom?

Forget who killed Eddie. I wanna know if Cliff ever made a move on him.

PS. Though this is a post about Cliffy, I included the pic of Johnny to lend credence to my argument that these two should hook it up. It's hands down the gayest thing I've seen all week and I drive through West Hollywood every day on my way to work.

Yes, it's nuts

2007-06-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

I saw Scream in the theater three times. Keep in mind that I was not yet 17 and didn't have hip parents who would buy me tickets, so I had to sneak into the theater to see Scream three times. And then I bought the VHS and I watched it a lot. Like A LOT a lot. But that was 10 years ago and my crush on ol' Skeet Ulrich had faded. I remember thinking that the previews for Jericho looked interesting, but I never got around to watching it. Like Heroes, it seemed too complicated to just pick up mid-season.

Then I heard about all those Jericho fans sending nuts to CBS to save their beloved show from cancellation and I thought, "That's the kind of crazy I can get behind." So I watched a few episodes online. They were not stellar, folks. They were kind of stilted and clichéd with compelling little bursts of interesting. I'd heard that the second half of the season was when we got to the good stuff, so I hung on that long, debating with myself about whether or not Eric would be cute without the beard.

I'm currently watching the second part of the season and it's clinging to my brain like Battlestar. It's not brilliant like that other show about prodigal sons and the gruff fathers who love them, but it taps into the same drama about life after the end of the world. In "Black Jack" Jake ventures with his dad, Heather and Dale outside of Jericho to a trading post, where we see exactly how far civilization has fallen. It's like the Old West, and the unpredictable danger of former neighbors is chilling.

The mystery with Hawkins and his former partner and their team and blah blah blah doesn't really do it for me. I'm more interested in the refugees, the highway robbers and the people learning to rise from the rubble of their former selves and stand tall in a savage new world.

CBS.com has all the episodes online. If you want to jump past the foibles of a show getting started and get straight to the awesome, just watch "Return to Jericho" to catch up before starting with "The Day Before."

WTF Tuesday

2007-06-12T12:25:00.001-07:00

Part of my day job is to read lots of press releases. Usually they're boring and inconsequential, but this morning I came across two that made me sit up and say "WTF?"

1. Move over Looney Tunes, Katherine Heigl is using her new-found fame to design a line of (drum roll, please) Women’s Healthcare Apparel. Huh? Scrubs. Izzy's making some scrubs. There will be four design groups that "reflect the spirit of Heigl’s personal style." There's "kitschy" London; high-style Connecticut, which I kid you not, features "subtle classy elements like angled stitch pockets and blazer-style jackets;" "hip-casual" Los Angeles and "adventurous" Seattle. Is adventurous a euphemism for "fucking an attending in the on-call room"? I hope so.

2. Apparently yesterday CariDee spoke on Capitol Hill. America’s Next Top Model® 2006 addressed congressional staffers about the Psoriasis and Psoriatic Arthritis Research, Cure, and Care Act of 2007. "It was standing room only" -- (No shit. She's hot). Now any Top Model fan worth their snuff remembers CariDee's teary revelation that she'd once suffered from psoriasis. That sucks, but it's nothing compared to the other sob stories Tyra usually fills the house with (Lupus, Hurricane Katrina, that girl whose mother died keeping her warm after a horrific plane crash). The press release goes on to say:

"More than 100 people attended the congressional briefing. They were held spellbound by English — illustrating her strength as more than a fashion model. Today, she served as a role model for millions of Americans with psoriasis by standing up to tell her story." Wake me up when one of those bitches addresses Congress about being forced to get the dreaded "Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby" makeover.

Goodbye, Dr. Burke

2007-06-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

TV Guide's Ausiello is reporting that Isaiah Washington will not be asked back to Grey's Anatomy.

http://community.tvguide.com/blog-entry/TVGuide-Editors-Blog/Ausiello-Report/Exclusive-Greys-Fires/800016659

Personally, the character of Burke was ruined for me a long time ago. For whatever reason, I can buy TR Knight as a straight character, but I can't buy Isaiah Washington as a gentle, loving character.

At least Dawson's had Paula Cole

2007-06-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Oh my Lord this show is smug. Though watching it means one will be subjected to the mind-numbing banter of Johnny and Greta, Hidden Palms is not without redeeming qualities. Cliff, played by Zach from The OC, seems to be a closeted sociopath, so that's fun. And I'm happy that Tessa Thompson (Jackie from VM) is again employed, though I doubt it will be for long.

Birds of a different feather

2007-06-04T17:16:00.001-07:00

Maybe it was the splashing marketing campaign. Maybe it was my own desire to see a chick lit in all its frothy glory on the small screen. Whatever it was, my expectations were sky high and maybe that’s why The Starter Wife fell so flat. Everything (and everyone) is quite pretty, but it’s as devoid of substance as heroine Molly’s Hollywood life. Maybe that’s the point, but I doubt it.

Was I supposed to buy the description of how Molly and her sleazebag husband got together? Cause I didn’t. Was I supposed to be surprised when Cricket’s douchebag husband strayed? Cause I wasn’t. Was I supposed to change the channel when Surfer Dude looked frightened of his own fists of fury? Cause I did.

Speaking of surprises, I thought Army Wives would be a guilty pleasure, something melodramatic and silly to watch during the summer. I was so wrong. It’s an honest-to-goodness compelling drama. Right off the bat, I loved all the women and their (mostly) supportive spouses. Initial favorite storyline: Roxy and Trevor. What can I say? I love firecrackers and the men who ground them. Trevor in a hoodie cradling his new step son in the clinic? Adorable.

And although Catherine Bell doesn’t look near old enough to have a teenage son, I’m really intrigued by her storyline. The only thing scarier than marrying your abuser is raising him, and I’m really interested to see how the tragic story will play out. My guess is that West Point ain’t happening.

Long story short: Will I be watching Army Wives this week? Yes. The Starter Wife? Maybe.

Viva Las Boring

2007-06-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

On paper this was a fantastic idea: get the Real World cast that brought reality TV skankdom to new and frightening heights during their tenure on MTV. Toss their horny asses back into that swank pad at the Palms. Add copious amounts of booze. Sit back and wait for the inevitable three-way in the hot tub.

In reality, forcing people back into the position they were in five years ago is not an easy feat. Alton and Irulan aren't a couple of flirty strangers meeting for the first time; they're a former couple whose three year romance is over. Arissa is estranged from her former roommates and has a huge chip on her shoulder. Former wild child Brynn is now a mom of two. Trishelle has blonde hair. Yawn. Only Frank and Steven seem the same, which is a shame since they seem forgettable and functionally retarded, respectively.

If the first episode is any indicator, the drama of strangers getting wildly drunk and making asses of themselves is a lot more fun that that of old friends getting drunk and screaming about the past, which is actually just kind of sad.

And you thought Willow and Tara had odd taste...

2007-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I've tried numerous times to get into Hex, but it always feels like a Buffy knock-off with twice the sex/death and only a fraction of the charm/wit.

It's Official...

2007-06-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

The next season of Battlestar, beginning with the two-hour episode Razor in November and continuing in early 2008, will be its last. Here's to going out with a bang and on their own terms.

No More TV Wasteland

2007-05-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the day when summer meant non-stop reruns? Sure, that gave you a chance to get caught up on shows you didn't watch the first time around, but now we have TV on DVD and the summer's chalk-full of brand new content. Here's a sample of what I'll be watching:

Army Wives - June 3 - Lifetime's new drama looks like a prime guilty pleasure waiting to happen.

Kyle XY (pictured) - June 11 - I'm watching the first season on ABC Family's website right now and I can't wait to further unravel the mystery of the bellybutton-less boy.

The 4400 - June 17 - Will Season Four of USA's convoluted drama be as addictive as the first three? I'm counting on it.

The Closer - June 18 - Kyra Sedgwick's back for what will no doubt be another incredibly satisfying season of TNT's high-rated procedural.

Degrassi: The Next Generation and The Best Years - June 29 - Wild boars couldn't keep me away from the new season of Degrassi. The N's new college drama The Best Years looks okay-ish, but will get at least one courtesy viewing for following something involving Spinner.

Greek - July 9 - Now ABC Family's new college drama from the producers of Wildfire looks like something I could get behind...

Monk - July 13 - USA. Nuff said.

My Boys - July 30 - Remember this? It was on TBS. It was pleasant. There was a cliffhanger kiss with the cute former roommate... What? I wanna see how it turns out.

The Riches: It's a Wonderful Lie

2007-05-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

I once had a writing teacher say that your protagonist should be like a cat stuck in a tree and your story is the means to get the cat down. Each time a ladder is propped near the trunk of the metaphorical tree in which the Riches reside, those crafty grifters just edge farther out onto ancient, shaky limbs.

In the latest episode, they were finally faced with someone lucid who knew the real Riches. After a wonderful series of twist and turns, it appeared that the danger had blown over and our travelers were safe. And then the limb cracked beneath them and the Riches were left grasping for branches.

If you're not watching this show, you should be.

Why They Belong Together: Instant Star

2007-05-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

She's a teenage pop singer, he's a rapidly aging tabloid darling. They're star-crossed to be sure, but in the love triangle at the heart of Instant Star, Tommy will be the last beau standing. The proof is in this scene from season two.

Her first album has tanked, Jude's frustrated and her home life sucks. But when she gets into the studio with Tommy to work on her new album, that frustration washes away. She's bubbly and relaxed. And look at Tommy. Lord Squinty Frown has never looked so happy as he does when he's goofing around with his favorite starlet. Jamie's a great guy, definitely better than his rival, but when all is said and done, Tom's the best for Jude.

Yes, I'm willing to admit that I may have put too much thought into that. But it's what makes me me.

Boomer, Jammer and Lana Lang

2007-05-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

I kid you not. All three starred on the Canadian teen soap Edgemont, which is far inferior to Degrassi, but boasts an impressive cast that also includes Eric from Wonderfalls and George's crazy nympho co-worker from Dead Like Me. I love that everything that shoots in Vancouver uses the same actors over and over again. It gives me a strange sense of peace.

Here's what I can tell from the couple of episodes I've watched on Youtube and cable: Boomer's gay, Jammer's the main character despite being kind of a douche and Lana's boring and still has that weird affected accent that definitely has no place in Kansas and probably not Vancouver either. Okay, I’m going to go watch an episode now. Jammer’s little brother’s missing and he hasn’t bothered to tell his parents yet. Drama!

Goodbye, Veronica

2007-05-27T11:41:00.001-07:00

I don't need to tell you about the finale. You watched it; you know it was a fabulous, heartbreaking throwback to the first season, a sad reminder of things not to come. I especially enjoyed the subtle allusions to the pilot like Wallace's remote control plane and an asshole being beaten to a pulp in order to illicit an apology Veronica doesn't actually want. It's such perfect poetry that Logan was the asshole in the pilot and the strong arm of violent justice in the finale. And it appears that after using his fists and homicidal temper to ruin his relationship with Veronica, our schmoopy little orphan used them to open the door of possible reconciliation. Perfect. For everyone but Piz and Parker.

As Veronica walks off into the overcast horizon of her SoCal noir world, I'm reminded of what the series marks for me. Veronica Mars began airing just after I moved to Los Angeles. It instantly became appointment viewing and the topic of watercooler discussions at my new office. Impromptu viewing parties turned acquaintances into friends as we debated who killed Lilly Kane over bottles of wine and bruschetta. The show was something I shared with friends from college and back home, urging people to give it a shot and taping episodes to catch my family up over long holidays. I love TV and smart, sassy, strong Veronica Mars is a perfect example of why. She'll be sorely missed, but I can't wait to see what the people involved in her creation come up with next.

Moments in TV Awesome: Friday Night Lights

2007-05-22T22:54:00.001-07:00

At least one of my favorite shows got renewed...

"Dallas meets The OC," you said?

2007-05-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

The above quote was on the DVD for Wildfire's first season and all I can say is "Yes please." Just when Instant Star was making me wonder if I had grown too big for the kiddie table, I'm back for seconds. I quickly burned through the first 13 episodes and purchased the second and third seasons on iTunes.

Sure, I've got lingering questions: How old are the kids? In the first season they seem to be about to begin their senior year of high school, but we've never seen them darken the door of an educational facility and by season three they're drinking legally (?) in bars and moving in with stuffy British girlfriends. Also, how much time has passed? Has each season been a year or are we entering Lost/Grey's Anatomy/One Tree Hill territory, in which time is malleable and several seasons encompass a single year?

Questions aside, I love this show. The Junior/Kris/Matt love triangle is reminiscent of Logan/Veronica/Duncan, wherein no one’s rooting for the wooden nice guy, but he's still okay to have around. Lilly Kane herself pops up to play Junior's romantic foil for a stint in season two. Not shockingly, she's great. Other guest stars include Amy Jo Johnson of Felicity as a bitch on wheels jockey, that Aussie dude from the second season of One Tree Hill as a slick sports agent, Joe Lando from Higher Ground as a wayward father with a gambling problem and the thin London twin as a scary bookie with a gold-plated heart.

Against the high stakes backdrop of thoroughbred horse racing, former juvie inmate Kris Furillo and a failed racehorse named Wildfire struggle to overcome their sad lots in life and thrive in a world of beauty, privilege and familial loyalty. Genevieve Cortese stands out as the star of a near-perfect cast, but all the characters are well drawn and fallible. Bitchy, villainous Dani is startlingly three-dimensional and Matt’s gambling problem was dropped in early on and simmered to a dangerous boil over an entire season. You won’t find subtly like that on Instant Star…

Season one is out on DVD; season two is being uploaded weekly onto abcfamily.com; all three are on iTunes

Veronica Mars 2004-2007

2007-05-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Dude. This sucks.

http://community.tvguide.com/blog/TVGuide-Editors-Blog/Ausiello-Report/700000049

http://www.eonline.com/gossip/kristin/index.jsp?uuid=54a4a6b8-3402-44eb-936e-ed7bb82e69f1

Thanks to Q for the links.

One Tree Hill: Prom (this time with 95% less psychotic fake 1/2 brother)

2007-05-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I was watching One Tree Hill on the internet (it's a habit I enjoy privately on account of it making the Chef bleed from her eye sockets) and I realized that this episode must have been some sort of viewer contest. The gang shows up in a small Texas town (Honey Grove) and with recurring rocker Chris Keller inexplicably in tow, they crash the prom in the nicest Thrift Store duds ever. Seriously, right before Peyton and Lucas finally consumated their painfully long and drawn out relationship, I expected one of them to suggest a shower to wash off the smell of mothballs and cigar smoke that one associates with unwashed thrift goods.

Now you could tell it was for a contest because the extras were uniformly real-looking teens rather than super hot twenty-somethings. One exception to the awkward line delivery parade was the young woman on the left, who I immediately recognized as not only a hot twenty-something, but also a bonafide actress.

I went to college with Shauna Maclean. That's right, someone I know got to appear in a scene with freaking Chris Keller (as in "Chris Keller can't swim" and "Chris Keller gets lonely too sometimes"). I heard through the grapevine that she has also appeared on Prison Break and since she's Texas-based, I'm hoping she'll next pop up on Friday Night Lights.

Tim Riggins ain't gonna choke Kevin Reilly!

2007-05-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Cause NBC renewed Friday Night Lights, bitches! Now everyone devote your TV-related prayers to Veronica. So say we all.

Veronica Mars: Debasement Tapes

2007-05-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Paud Rudd! And a bunch of other people you love! Seriously, the gang's all here. Vinnie and Bronson and that radio chick and that bell hop and scary Danny Boyd. There's Vinnie being all sketchy (my theory on Vincent Van Lowe: still working for the Fitzpatricks and the whole save the day schtick was a ploy to get a dirty sheriff back in office). Max is being all cute and Sacks is just being Sacks.

One of the things I love about this show is the established universe in which it exists. That's part of why I found last week's "Oh, we eat at Babylon Gardens ALL the time and I totally know your daughter" bit annoying. Cause guess what, Veronica? I know a lot of people in Neptune and bitchy Amira is not one of them. She's nothing buy a fly-by-night plot device and there's nothing you can do to convince me otherwise.

But enough of all that ugliness. On to last night's episode, which will air in LA at 9 PM on Saturday. It's also available online at cwtv.com. Shoddy detective work aside (seriously, she didn't ask to see the bag before starting the investigation?), the writers were on their A game. It was snappy and funny with lovely bits of pathos (Desmond) and angst (Logan, who else?). And while I'm not sure if Veronica really likes Piz or just thinks she should, I love him. So much that I'll continue to watch that Grey's spin-off even if it's assy and they keep making self-referential elevator jokes. I can't help it, folks. I'm about two episodes away from getting "Stosh" tattooed on my ass.

With the end of the season in sight (two more weeks and three more episodes), I gotta tell you: I'm holding out hope for the FBI redux version. Previous skepticism be damned. Alias wasn't all that bad the first couple of times it got revamped and it's not like a fictional Leonardo Da Vinci factors into this whole FBI thing. Though if it does, I'll still watch. Word is that the network presentation of Veronica: FBI Agent went very well. That combined with a slot left open by the departing Gilmore Girls and I have my fingers firmly crossed. Random question time: is it me, or is that totally Veronica creator Rob Thomas as Desmond's late bandmate? I realize the pic's small, but peruse your Tivo and I think I'll be proven right. Or legally insane. One or the other.

And you thought your prom sucked

2007-05-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

Peyton got kidnapped and nearly raped by her crazy fake half-brother. Glenda had to spend the night pretending to care about Lucas' dead uncle and still not getting into his pants. And then they both lost prom queen to Brooke. Makes bad hair and an extra gropey date seem like a cake walk, am I right?

We've got a lot to discuss...

2007-05-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

I've had a busy couple of weeks, but never fear, I've still got my priorities straight and I've made time for TV via Tivo and the internet. Let's start with VERONICA MARS. Veronica, Studio 60 called and they want that preachy sermon back. I did, however, enjoy the 15 minutes that were devoted to Logan and Parker's functional relationship and Piz mustering the balls to make a move. Finally!

Speaking of Piz, apparently he works out, as witnessed by his buff turn on GREY'S ANATOMY. The spin-off has possibilities although if any man ever said, "I'm going to kiss you. With tongue. So you feel it," to me in an empty stair well, he'd be getting a knee to the balls for being equal parts creepy and cheesy. You know what kiss was neither creepy nor cheesy? George and Izzy! Am I the only one who's totally on this bandwagon? Cause I LOVE it. Almost as much as I hate McDreamy for his sudden ambivalence about Mere. I'd forgive it if it really had to do with her lack of will to live and not the fact that he wants to further his career. Ass.

I don't talk about it much, but UGLY BETTY is a seriously solid show. Who said Rebecca Romijn as a lonely transgendered ice queen wouldn't play in Middle America? Also on ABC, OCTOBER ROAD. The show is full of holes and silly twists. It pisses me off and yet I watched every damn episode. I actually care about the stupid characters, especially Eddie and Janet. I even like Laura Prepon and she used to bug the hell out of me with her perpetual post punchline smirk on That '70s Show.

Speaking of things that bug the hell out of me... INSTANT STAR'S still flirting with mediocrity. Let's be honest, I think mediocrity has gotten to third base at this point. Here's my thing about the Jude/Jamie/Tommy triangle we're inexplicably revisiting: Jude will never be in love with Jamie. Yes, he's the better guy, but he's not her guy. She invited him on her first tour AFTER Tommy turned her down. She hooked up with him because Tommy was with Sadie. She wrote White Lines about Tommy while she was dating Jamie. It's not really a love triangle, it's a set up for disaster.

Shows I've recently tried on for size: HEROES - last night's episode was a little assy and I'm a bit creeped out by the dynamic between Peter and niece Claire, but I've caught the last few eps and I'm intrigued and looking forward to watching it from the beginning. I'm also eager to get further into WILDFIRE on ABC Family. Yes, I love shows aimed at tweens, but this one's really good. I'd caught episodes before, but now several eps at a time are available on abcfamily.com. Ever wonder what happened to Degrassi's school shooter? He's on an ABC Family show called Falcon Beach. It's pretty unwatchable, but Degrassi will be back (sans Rick, of course) this summer.

Oh and last night's HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER was super cute. That's all I've got for now.

It was bound to end this way

2007-04-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Fox cancelled Drive. Who had two weeks in the pool?

Days of Our Interns

2007-04-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

Did I miss the moment when Grey's Anatomy dropped all pretenses and just became a full-on soap opera? The bed swapping and power plays are one thing, but now we've got amnesiacs, long-lost children and Cristina's ex with his arched eye brows and black scrubs of malevolence. I keep expecting John Black to pop up and tell us that Stefano's Meredith's biological father.

Instant Star: Nowhere to Run

2007-04-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Just a week after I'd decided it was back, Instant Star let me down again. Everything felt forced, from Spiederman hiding his solo demo from the band to Jude firing Tommy. The opportunities for real drama (Sadie's reaction to finding out Jude and Tommy were running around behind her back) were ignored. Jude was a brat, Spied's song wasn't that good and I didn't buy for a second that Portia was going to join forces with Hunter and his man-bangs of evil.

Why am I still holding out hope that the season will take a turn for the better?

That's why.