Bad Mother, shut your mouth

Bar fight-induced temporary paralysis, two new female characters with (fingers crossed) the potential to be straight-up stalkers, the fact that Haley and Nathan's son is being raised (at least partially) by Lucas and Skillz... What's not to love about the new One Tree Hill? The lack of terrifyingly bad parental role models, that's what. Daphne Zuniga has joined the cast as Brooke's emotionally abusive mother, but that's a snooze when you remember the legendary reign of Dan "I killed my brother in the middle of a school shooting cause I'm EVIL" Scott. Take a look at CMM's face. He's like "Bitch, please. I knew Dan Scott; Dan Scott is my dastardly father. And you, ma'am, are no Dan Scott." After making a brief appearance in episode two, I'm hoping Tree Hill's former mayor will somehow return to show regular status. The guy survived being poisoned and burned alive, I don't see why he can't get around this whole life in prison thing.

In keeping with this hope, here are my official predictions for the upcoming season:

1. Little Jamie's nanny turns all Cradle Will Rock on Haley and tries to steal her family. Somehow she'll drive a wedge between Hales and Nathan, but will be ultimately unsuccessful in her attempts to seduce the former sports hero, who I'd wager she's been obsessed with since high school.

2. Brooke's mother will cut her out of Clothes Over Bros. and Brooke will start over with only her homely assistant (poor girl suffers from glasses and ponytail syndrome) at her side. The local boutique will bring fashion to the masses and Brooke will finally be happy. And maybe make out with Mouth a little.

3. Dan will use a legal loop hole to get out of jail and kidnap Jamie. Lucas will save the child and in a daring struggle, push Dan into a raging waterfall. Dan will die, but come back as a ghost that hunts down all his scattered progeny.

4. Peyton and Lucas will dance around their soulmate status until I actually poke both my eyes out and run screaming down the street.

5. Skillz will be the underused black guy at the fringe of all the other storylines. He will be the only character allowed to say "Oh snap!" without irony.

Moments in TV Awesome: The Wire

I spent the weekend binging on Season One of The Wire. Mmm. Excellently executed drama. I think my favorite thing about the show is the way is sprinkles genuinely funny moments on top of all the darkness. McNulty bringing a doped-up informant to his son's soccer game, Bunk drunkenly burning his own clothes to destroy trace evidence of adultery, and this scene.

That Wee-bey. Hilarious. And scary.

One last season of love and hate...

Instant Star executive producer Steven "I'm married to the chick who created Degrassi" Stohn has announced that the upcoming season of my favorite Canadian sing-a-long show will be its last. That's him next to Tommy (in case you were wondering if Jude's dad got recast). I guess Alexz Johnson wants to get on with her recording career. I'd bitch, but last season was such a bomb that I can't blame her for getting out. And with that sassy new bob, she's really going places.

You know what's not sassy? Spiederman's overall appearance. It's pretty much skeeving me out. Seriously, a tank top? This is kind of ruining all those Spiederman tracks on the Season Three soundtrack. Just kidding. Nothing could ruin those tracks. And look at Jamie in the back trying to pretend he's not rocking a mullet. Sadder than me listening to Spied at full volume in my car? Maybe. But definitely not as sad as the fact that Karma's still on the show and partially obscuring Kwest, who is so far in the back that he might just be a cardboard cutout used when the real Kwest has better shit to do. Like visit Portia in the clink.

Oh, Tim

Of course he didn't get kicked out of Coach's house for drinking or illegally hooking up the cable box to porn or making out with Shelly (who I now kind of love being reduced to a shirt-buying dork by that fullback’s sly smile). No, in typically heartbreaking fashion, Tim Riggins had to get kicked out after protecting Julie from both tornadoes and hormonal teenage boys. He had to get turned away and disappointed by yet another father figure. I guess next stop is Buddy's halfway house for orphaned football players and super-sad divorced guys.

I know that some fans were turned off when this season flirted with sensationalism, but all that murder stuff’s over (I think) and the most dramatic stuff between Landry and Tyra this week was that she rejected him to accompany a 35 year-old rival player to the Fall Formal. The truth is Friday Night Lights still packs more sheer entertainment and emotion than any other show on TV. I laugh, sigh, cringe and get a little teary pretty much weekly. It even makes me kind of care about football. Kind of. The real reason I’m addicted is the characters. Buddy could have been a one-joke background player, but he's become the chewy center of his own compelling storyline. Former perfect mother Tami has stumbled, clinging too tightly to both Julie and Shelly and only managed to push them both away. And then there's Coach Taylor. Whether rendered wide-eyed and speechless by a chat with Buddy or enraged by the sight of his daughter is in the arms of a Riggins, he’s the dreamiest man on TV.

Strike Survival Guide

So it seems like everything is in reruns, but it's not true. There are still non-reality series left. Some are back for the first time this season (Jericho, One Tree Hill, Battlestar), some were good at stockpiling episodes (Friday Night Lights, Aliens in America, Men in Trees) and some are Canadian and therefore unaffected by the strike down south (Degrassi). Here's a list of shows, when they return or continue and how many episodes we've got left until it all goes black and we really are stuck with reruns and The Hills.

Shows I care about:

Monday, January 7: October Road (ABC) 8 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: One Tree Hill (CW) 12 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Ugly Betty (ABC) 3 episodes; Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) 3 episodes
Friday, January 11: Friday Night Lights (NBC) 5 episodes; Monk (USA) 6 episodes; Psych (USA) 6 episodes
Monday, January 14: Kyle XY (ABC Family) 10 episodes
Friday, January 18: Degrassi (The N) will finish out season seven and if you need a reason to watch, please see the pic above. That's Ellie finding her boyfriend in the throes of passion with Caitlin "I cheated on Joey with Kevin Smith" Ryan. I know!
Monday, January 21: Wildfire (ABC Family) 13 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Smallville (CW) 6 episodes; Supernatural (CW) 4 episodes; Lost (ABC) 8 episodes
Monday, February 4: Samantha Who? (ABC) 3 episodes
Sunday, February 10: Aliens in America (CW) 7 episodes
Tuesday, February 12: Jericho (CBS) 7 episodes
Wednesday, February 27: Men in Trees (ABC) 11 episodes
Thursday, February 28: Reaper (CW) 3 episodes
Monday, April 28: Bones (Fox) 4 episodes
Spring: Greek (ABC Family) 8 episodes; Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi) 11 episodes

Shows you might care about:

Sunday, January 6: The Wire (HBO) 10 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: Boston Legal (ABC) 4 episodes; Carpoolers (ABC) 7 episodes
Wednesday, January 9: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (TBS) 49 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Big Shots (ABC) 5 episodes
Friday, January 11: Las Vegas (NBC) 7 episodes
Monday, January 14: Prison Break (Fox) 5 episodes
Tuesday, January 15: Nip/Tuck (FX) 6 episodes
Wednesday, January 16: Reno 911 (Comedy Central) 16 episodes
Spring: Robin Hood (BBC America) 13 episodes; The Shield (FX) 13 episodes; The Tudors (Showtime) 12 episodes

New Shows, some of which may suck because they were cobbled together in an effort to stockpile material (Cashmere Mafia, I'm looking at you):

Sunday, January 6: Cashmere Mafia (ABC) 7 episodes
Sunday, January 13: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox) 9 episodes
Sunday, January 20: Breaking Bad (AMC) 9 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Eli Stone (ABC) 13 episodes
Monday, February 4: Welcome to the Captain (CBS) 6 episodes
Monday, February 18: Quarterlife (NBC) 6 episodes
Tuesday, March 4: New Amsterdam (Fox) 8 episodes
Wednesday, March 12: The Return of Jezebel James (Fox) 7 episodes
Monday, April 14: Canterbury’s Law (Fox) 6 episodes

Mrs. Norris Hearts Huckabee

So I'm watching results from the Iowa Caucus (freaking reruns making me pay attention to real things) and beyond being totally weird, it's kind of fascinating. Edwards usually comes off like an insincere Baptist minister, but I was kind of into his speech. Hand me a sickle and a hammer 'cause I love the idea of universal healthcare. I'm still waiting to hear from Obama (the winner and my current choice).

I'm less informed about the Republicans. Romney's a super rich mormon and Tom Tancredo hates immigrants, that's what I know. Huckabee won and here are a few facts about him: 1. He lost a bunch of weight 2. He's BFF with Chuck Norris 3. He's got crazy eyes. Seriously. Take a look into those peepers and try not to shiver. During his victory speech, I couldn't stop staring at Chuck Norris and the fembot I assume is Mrs. Norris (no, not Filch's cat*). Hovering right over Huckabee's shoulders, the couple kept laughing and flashing their blue-white chompers. At one point, Mrs. Norris all but swooned and I could lip-read "That's SO true," in response to whatever the candidate was going on about.

Here's some popcultural food for thought: Huckabee's popularity surged when Chuck Norris first appeared in his campaign ads. And why is that cool? Since when is Chuck Norris not just the star of a lame action series and the hocker of the Total Gym? Since Chuck Norris Facts began circulating on the internet in 2005. Behold the power of ironic humor and mass emails. A series of absurd jokes about a faded action star have officially impacted American politics. Hopefully this won't be as bad as when Will Ferrell's George W. Bush impression made the future president seem loveably benign.

*Nerd alert!