Bad Mother, shut your mouth

Bar fight-induced temporary paralysis, two new female characters with (fingers crossed) the potential to be straight-up stalkers, the fact that Haley and Nathan's son is being raised (at least partially) by Lucas and Skillz... What's not to love about the new One Tree Hill? The lack of terrifyingly bad parental role models, that's what. Daphne Zuniga has joined the cast as Brooke's emotionally abusive mother, but that's a snooze when you remember the legendary reign of Dan "I killed my brother in the middle of a school shooting cause I'm EVIL" Scott. Take a look at CMM's face. He's like "Bitch, please. I knew Dan Scott; Dan Scott is my dastardly father. And you, ma'am, are no Dan Scott." After making a brief appearance in episode two, I'm hoping Tree Hill's former mayor will somehow return to show regular status. The guy survived being poisoned and burned alive, I don't see why he can't get around this whole life in prison thing.

In keeping with this hope, here are my official predictions for the upcoming season:

1. Little Jamie's nanny turns all Cradle Will Rock on Haley and tries to steal her family. Somehow she'll drive a wedge between Hales and Nathan, but will be ultimately unsuccessful in her attempts to seduce the former sports hero, who I'd wager she's been obsessed with since high school.

2. Brooke's mother will cut her out of Clothes Over Bros. and Brooke will start over with only her homely assistant (poor girl suffers from glasses and ponytail syndrome) at her side. The local boutique will bring fashion to the masses and Brooke will finally be happy. And maybe make out with Mouth a little.

3. Dan will use a legal loop hole to get out of jail and kidnap Jamie. Lucas will save the child and in a daring struggle, push Dan into a raging waterfall. Dan will die, but come back as a ghost that hunts down all his scattered progeny.

4. Peyton and Lucas will dance around their soulmate status until I actually poke both my eyes out and run screaming down the street.

5. Skillz will be the underused black guy at the fringe of all the other storylines. He will be the only character allowed to say "Oh snap!" without irony.