9021Oh that kind of sucked...

I tried, I really did. And I wanted so badly to like this. Darcy and Michael? Love them. Lucille Bluth? Hilarious. But good Lord. It was just so bland and inexplicably impressed with itself. "Check it out! Cory Kennedy and the Cobra Snake!" "And then it turns out that Annie's dinner date is in San Francisco! And they're taking a jet! And she's not telling mom!" Speaking of Mom, check out the bad parenting on Lori Loughlin. She's going to be late at work (as a fashion photographer like three minutes after arriving in town with a resume that included shooting weddings) so she tells Annie (Darcy) to pick up Grandma's computer. Annie forgets so it's ALL HER FAULT that Grandma then drives drunk and gets into a minor accident. Got that? It's all on Annie, not the adult who got being the wheel snockered.

And speaking of bad parents, secretly smart popular girl... uh... I don't feel like looking her name up. So we'll go with Blondie. Well her parents think she's stupid and don't want her to have to do work at school when she has a super important birthday party coming up. Also, her mom and Annie's dad have a secret son that was given up for adoption, but the drama from that revelation was totally drained when Loughlin found out (off screen) and was pretty much fine with it.

Then there's Silver, Kelly Taylor's little half sis, whose mom fell off the wagon and divorced Silver's dad after finding out from Blondie (apparently) that he was a big ol' cheater. That's why Silver hates her former BFF, with whom she shares a lameass back tat that is some sort of Asian symbol for friendship. And since theirs was over in eighth grade, I guess that means that Beverly Hills kids are so damn cool that they're getting inked in junior high.

In addition to Kelly, Brenda and the Peach Pit (where Nat totally ignored Blondie and Evil Lacrosse Dude getting drunk and mugging down), this new version has clung to the original show's generous use of platitudes and life lessons. Lying is bad and trust is really important. Also, you shouldn't jump to crazy conclusions about people and diss them on your vlog because maybe they’ll turn out to be your new BFF. And if you’re cheating on your girlfriend, it’s because there’s something emotionally lacking in your relationship, not because you’re a 16-year-old who can’t say no to a parking lot beej.

Oh 90210, our fling was brief, but to paraphrase sensitive jock Ethan, I'm not breaking up with you, I'm breaking up with us.