Friday Night Lights: Crossing the Line

Friday Night Lights never fails to be both uplifting and gutwrenching. And that, my friends, is the definition of damn fine TV.

Street spends the episode trying to convince everyone that he's ready to play in his first murderball scrimmage: the doctors, his parents, the other quads and (of course) Lyla think it's too soon. But the kid needs an outlet for his rage toward Riggs and Lyla and he ends up playing triumphantly in the scrimmage and punching Riggs in the face. It's a pretty face, but he had it coming.
Heartbreakingest moment: Herc and Street fight and fall out of their chairs before the latter emotionally states that Lyla's all he's got and his tough-love buddy reminds him that just because they're cripples, doesn't mean they deserve the crumbs.

Meanwhile the Riggins boys are barely scraping by (like returning groceries at the register barely scraping by) and Big Brother Billy's doing all he can to make a better life for Tim (buying veggies, talking to the coach about college options, etc.). Tim's having sex with Tyra, rubbing it in his older brother's face and taking out the frustration he should have towards his absent parents on the only ill-equipped guardian he's got. They have a disasterous dinner at the Taylor's and Derek Phillips as Billy is just spot-on in his portrayal of the character.
Heartbreakingest moment: After tending to Rigg's black eye, Billy splits his grilled cheese sandwich down the middle and silently gives his baby brother half. Then Riggs takes a sip of Billy's beer and we're reminded of something else they share.

Saracen and Smash's tentative friendship takes a few strides forward when the former lands the latter a job at the Tasty Freeze (or whatever). Why does Smash need a job? To pay for the STEROIDS he's getting from the scariest woman ever. He slacks off at work, but tries to impart some of his game to our young quarterback. It doesn't exactly work, but they get along and it's tough when Saracen catches Smash about to steal from the till and jeopardize both their jobs.
Heartbreakingest moment: Because she couldn’t afford to give her son the money for an “SAT Prepcourse,” MamaSmash goes to the church and they take up a collection to help Smash become the kind of scholar-athlete that will make them proud. And then he takes the money to buy more ‘roids.

And in the land of fully functional families, Tami’s worried about a rally girl who thinks she has to have a threeway to make her Panther happy and is therefore worried that Julie’s entertaining the idea of going out with one the hornball’s teammates. Coach breaks it down to his little girl that boys are just hungry sex fiends, but he assures his wife that Saracen’s a good kid.
Heartbreakingest moment: N/A; Julie decided to give our boy a shot!

Next week: Street yells at Lyla and the team turns on Riggs for turning on Street. Plus, Julie and Saracen go on a date. I just hope he doesn’t try anything Smash taught him.

Veronica Mars: Spit and Eggs

Holy Frak! So here’s what happened: Lillith house is totally happy because the frats got kicked off campus, so they go on a Na-na-na-na-boo-boo kick and forget all about the whole There’s Still a Rapist on the Loose thing. But plucky Parker doesn’t forget! She passes out rape whistles and drug testing coasters and believes in the goodness of people to respond upon hearing “Rape!” And I love her even more now.

Dean O’Dell bends to rich alumni pressure and goes on Piz’s radio show to announce that the Greeks will remain on campus. He barely has time to worry about the angry grrrls throwing eggs at his minivan and the jackasses in the Hummer because he’s afraid his wife’s having an affair. And she is, which we knew, but it’s still sad when he gets all trembly-handed looking at the proof. Mindy sucks. And apparently the horny prof is a stoner.

Also, the slutty girl with the slight curvature of the spine that Dick nailed? Totally dating Tim the creepy TA. And he breaks up the Pi’s big party to yell that she’s a slut (seriously), brag that he’s been getting plenty too (seriously?), and just generally seem really sad and serve as a red herring for anyone who might still think he was the Hearst rapist.

Veronica and the gang (minus Logan who broke up with her at the start of the episode and Parker, who’s probably not up for any parties where the rapist promises to find a new victim) head to the party to test drinks and save ladies. After running into Logan, V agrees to let him go help a girl they think has been drugged and he takes Wallace with. But! Veronica soon finds out that the girl who was actually drugged was using her sister’s ID so Wallace and Logan are headed to the wrong place.

She goes to help the girl and hides Big Bad Wolf style in her bed while listening to Mercer do his best Patrick Bateman impression; it’s good and by “good” I mean “ew!” There’s a struggle involving her taser and he roughs her up, but in the end, Veronica stabs Mercer in the leg with a unicorn. Yes, you read that correctly. Girls love unicorns; it’s the truth.

She runs away and right into Moe, who gives her a soothing cup of tea. After he leaves to get help, she notices a pic of him with Mercer, which judging from their attire looks as though it was taken during last year’s prison sociology experiment, which Moe called “Life changing.” V also realizes that she’s been drugged. She calls her dad for help, but he doesn’t answer and while hiding in the closet, woozy with a hammer, she finds a box of hair. Oh my God! Moe’s a total sicko, you guys. And I bet it was him leaving gross #2s and he just wanted to talk to everyone about it because he’s a perv that way. Mercer shows and they demonstrate that no matter what that Secretary movie taught us, masochists and sadists shouldn’t always find each other. Keith calls V back and the boys find her, but she blows her rape whistle.

Parker to the rescue! She hears the whistle, goes to investigate and sees a bloody Mercer on his way back from retrieving GHB to dose our heroine. She screams “Rape!” and boys come out of their room. Everyone stands around, not sure what’s going on and after the rapists (rapers, if you’re Dick) scamper away, Parker finds Veronica.

Keith easily tracks down M&M Rape Factory (too far?) and they get put in the county jail. Logan busts the hell out of some law enforcement vehicles in order to earn an invitation to the clink. We haven’t seen his angry violent side in a while and in this case and I, for one, am happy that it will soon be introduced to Mercer's pretty face. I hope it also spends some quality time with Moe's delicate ribs and most of Mercer's vital organs.

Meanwhile in who’s gonna end up dead land: Veronica tells Keith about Prof. Landry and after some verification, he tells the dean, who gets piss drunk and barges into the Neptune Grand love nest of his wife and Landry. And he’s got a gun. We don’t see what happens, but later he wakes up in his office and Mr. Burns-style asks, “What are you doing here?” to an unseen visitor. Fellow boxing enthusiast Weevil finds him (probably) dead in the morning. My guess: Greco!

Is anyone still reading? Didn’t think so. But here’s some miscellaneous stuff anyway: Veronica’s got a new haircut, I suddenly really want Piz and Mac to get together (how cute would that be?) and I’m guessing that Veronica’s A-earning Perfect Murder Paper was the one that killed off Lamb. I’m also supporting Ms. Drew’s theory that the paper will somehow tie into the dean’s murder.

Official VM Predictions

So I’m not always right. In fact, I’m often completely off-track. In Season One I thought for a brief (fleeting, really) moment that Logan might have maybe killed Lilly. My final guess was Lianne. But think of it this way… it was a parent and someone who shared DNA with Logan so I was close. Not buying? That’s okay. I called Beaver early on in Season Two, but I wasn’t sure why. And then he was so sweet and he and Mac made me so happy, plus he’d obviously been touched by that evil Woody Goodman (or Dick, which skeeved me out even more) and I let my guard down. I decided that maybe Dick was more complicated that we always thought… And I was wrong.

But why let a history of being wrong stand in the way of predicting conclusion of tonight’s mystery?

The Rapist: Nish. She wants the Greeks off campus bad enough that she’ll do anything. That’s not to say that the girls weren’t raped; it just wasn’t in the traditional way.

The Dead Body: Professor Landry. The next mystery will be Veronica figuring out whodunit: Dean O’Dell, his wife, Tim the TA or Richard Greco who’s still pissed about his bone marrow being AWOL.

And if the rapist isn’t Nish then I think she and the Lilith chicks will kill whoever dies (Mercer, anyone?) because they mistakenly think he’s the rapist.

Well done, Studio 60

Well color me surprised. I realized at 10:45 that I hadn't yet been overwhelmed with the desire to throw in the towel and go to bed. I didn't think the opening sketch with Howie Mandel was all that funny, but its parody of Deal or No Deal was actually the kind of thing that would be done on Saturday Night Live.

Mark McKinney, who is a consultant on the sketches in real life, now plays a sad-sack comedy writer with a believably tragic past. He's brought in to help Lucy and Darius work on sketches and ends up convincing Matt that the only way to make the newbies good comedy writers is to toss them in the deep end and let them bomb at dress rehearsal. It works well and the two are about to have their very first sketch air when the stand-off everyone’s been watching all episode ends with murder suicide and the sketch, which is about a bank robber, is pulled for sensitivity. But! Matt has finally learned that other people are capable of being writers and he collaborates with his new team on a replacement sketch. Yay!

Meanwhile… The cast and crew are being felled with the flu and everyone’s getting B-12 shots in the ass. Matt tells Danny he can’t get one cause you can’t get the shot when you’re pregnant and hormonal Danny is totally preggo. It’s actually kind of amusing to see Matt and Danny’s adolescent relationship, even when I know what it’s setting up. Webber finally makes Jordan understand that she’s screwing up her career and she decides to speak with the press. But the chosen reporter’s kind of a jerk so she tells him off and ends up crying to Danny. She says she’s hormonal and the faints. Danny, assuming it’s the flu, goes to get the nurse and a B-12 shot, but Jordan insists she can’t have the shot because (say it with me) she’s pregnant!

Christine Lahti hangs around and busts on/flirts with Danny. Harriet, the professional comedian who is the star of the fictional Studio 60, can’t tell a simple Jewish mother joke and then reveals that she can’t even get through the old “Orange you glad I said ‘banana’?” set-up. It’s very weird.

On a whole though, I feel like those weeks of muck were washed away. It was funny and I felt the drama of producing a live TV show without feeling that the tension was manufactured to make the show seem like our nation’s savior. And cutting the sketch was nice. I was at once disappointed for the newbies and thankful that everyone involved realized that in the end there are more important things in the world than a comedy show. Especially when you’re brother’s in Afghanistan!

Veronica Mars: Lord of the Pi’s

Four days after it aired in most parts of the country, Los Angeles residents finally got to see the penultimate episode of the season’s first mystery arc. It was good. It wasn’t as jaw-dropping as Season One’s A Trip to the Dentist, but it nicely set up what looks to be thriller of a conclusion.

The A story was about Selma Hearst Rose, a former national joke and the swing vote in the board’s decision to keep or expel the Greeks. When she goes missing in the middle of a reception, O’Dell hires Keith to find her. There are twists and turns and a moderately satisfying outcome, but the meat of the episode is elsewhere.

Logan is worried about Veronica and they’re on the rocks because she refuses to stop looking into the rapes. He retaliates by hiring a body guard to keep an eye on her. After a fight in which they both rightly accuse the other of being incapable of change, Veronica admits that she loves him. It’s the first time we’ve heard her say that she loves anyone other than Keith or Lilly (and maybe her mom, but that’s misplaced so whatev). They emotionally agree to go easier on each other, but the last image of the episode is Logan surreptitiously watching Veronica ignore his phone call in the cafeteria. The look in Jason Dohring’s eyes is heart breaking.

Rape news: Shady frat prez Chip Diller is drugged, stripped and left on campus with his head shaved. Later Veronica learns from Dick that Chip was basically raped with an Easter egg containing roman numerals. After delegating some dumpster diving, she gets the egg and realizes that the numerals are in reference to a date nearly three years ago when a sorority pledge named Patrice fell off the roof of the sorority house. V goes digging and Claire, Fern and Nish tell her that Patrice was a victim of the two-way mirror “You’re so fat” room mentioned in the second episode and that she didn’t fall, she walked. Claire, who we last saw faking her rape, was a fellow pledge at the time and Patrice is now in a mental hospital. Veronica notes that this is awful, but wonders how many of the rapes were faked in the name of driving the evil Pi Sigs from campus.

I, personally, doubt the other rapes were faked. At least not all of them… Maebe and Parker were way too upset to be acting, and they were the only two we saw immediately post-attack. Plus the first victim didn’t come forward until after Maebe’s rape, so that makes no sense. I’m not absolutely certain that Nish is the rapist, but really think she and Fern had something to do with it. I’m really hoping it’s not that sweet RA Mo. That’ll annoy the frak out of me. I’m still smarting over the whole Beaver thing.

In Next Week Looks Awesome News: Next week looks awesome. Mac and Piz are back, Veronica’s running for her life, Parker’s screaming about rape and someone’s going to die! If it’s someone I love, I’m gonna be three kinds of pissed.

Unstabler

Today USA's post-Thanksgiving Law & Order SVU Marathon had a theme: Stabler's Rage. Awesome, right? I love the fact that Stabler always seems thisclose to killing a perp. He hates child molesters and rapists and self-satisfied smug people. Plus I think the only time I haven't been attracted to Chris Meloni is when he played Mark Furhman and that was less about him portraying a racist cop and more about that weird hair piece. Balding can be sexy, people. Just ask Stabler and hope he doesn't murder you for questioning his animal magnetism.

Dear Eric Mabius...

I used to really dislike you. I first remember seeing you play a closeted high school football player in Cruel Intentions. Yawn. Plus, you were like 28 and that struck me as a little pathetic. And then I guess you were in some other things like The L Word and some horror movies or something. You kind of fell off my radar until you played an ass on Eyes, but the show didn’t really capture my attention, so whatever. But then there was The OC. I was pretty ambivalent about you until you started playing Harbor's Evil East Coast Dean of Discipline. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

I mean, by all righs we should have been cool with one another, "the enemy of my enemy" and all that. But while I wanted Marissa to be a fully formed character, you wanted her to be punished for stopping the violent, drug-addled ex-con who tried to RAPE her from murdering her boyfriend. My rage at this ridiculous plot point was blinding and now I see that it was misplaced. I should have been directing a little more of it towards the people who created the stupid and completely unrealistic (no, not in a good way) character.

I say all this because in your current role as Mode Magazine Editor-in-Chief Daniel Meade on Ugly Betty you are not only charming and handsome, but also endearing and sympathetic. I take back all of the eye rolling and TV yelling that was directed at you in the past. You, sir, have chipped away at some unknown part of my being that has a soft spot for Poor Little Rich Playboys. Well played, Eric Mabius, well played.

xoxo
SC

Promising Pilot Alert: The Black Donnellys

NBC's midseason replacement is from Paul Haggis and writing partner Robert Moresco. A lot of people (especially in Los Angeles) had a very strong (and not necessarily positive) reaction to Crash. I saw it as an allegory and not as a reflection of actual life in LA. None of that matters as far as The Black Donnellys is concerned.

Set in New York, the show is about the Donnellys brothers, four Black Irish boys living just to the left of the law. Pictured from left: Sean (Michael Stahl-David) is the baby and a big hit with the ladies. Kevin (Billy Lush) is unlucky, but fiercely loyal. Jimmy (Tom Guiry, Smalls from The Sandlot!) is a hotheaded smalltime crook with a substance abuse problem and a pub called the Firecracker Lounge. Tommy (Jonathan Tucker) is the responsible (and super duper dreamy) one with a shot at life outside the confines of the old neighborhood; he's heartbreaking.

Our story is told to a couple of detectives by unreliable narrator, Joey Ice Cream (Keith Nobbs), and the pilot stretches from the day when, as a child, Jimmy was crippled by a hit and run driver to the series of events that drive the boys far outside the realm of legal activity. Says Little Lady, "They're like Labrador puppies running a crime ring."

Without giving too much away, The Black Donnellys is part Godfather, part Sleepers. The characters, including the boys' childhood friend Jenny Reilly (a subdued Olivia Wilde) and Italian heavy Nicky Cottero (Kirk Acevedo of Oz) are well-drawn and distinct without being Quirky. The photography is beautiful, the pace is taut and the music is perfect (Arcade Fire's "Rebellion Lies" is so achingly perfect in the final montage).

It was the best pilot I've seen in a long time and I'm looking forward to seeing where the series takes us next.

Ugly Betty, Weeds, The IT Crowd

The lack of Friday Night Lights and Veronica Mars last night gave me a chance to reflect on some of the shows I’ve been watching outside of primetime.

Ugly Betty is pretty awesome. The show’s available online at abc.com so I generally watch it on Saturday morning, when it’s not interfering with The Office and the Chef and the Subletter are watching football. America Ferrera is so lovely as Betty that I love her in spite of her complete earnestness. I generally prefer my heroines with a shot of sour bitch (see: Veronica Mars, Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me), but her poise and winning attitude in a world of fembots is refreshing. Plus Amanda and Marc fill my bitch quotient quite nicely.

The second season of Weeds may be finished on Showtime, but I’m only about halfway through. What was initially a black comedy about keeping up appearances in suburbia has been pervaded by a sense of dread. Silas sabotaging a condom to better insure that his girlfriend can’t leave him broke my heart and made me nauseated all at once. And as Nancy gets deeper into her position as a grower and her relationship with her DEA agent husband of convenience, I can’t help thinking of Heylia as the Cassandra who saw it all coming. Weeds is, in a word, compelling.

The IT Crowd… I’m still not sure if I’m supposed to pronounce it as “I.T.” or “it,” but it’s a strangely enjoyable show from the UK about the nerdy tech department of a major corporation. Though it’s set to be adapted by NBC for the US, it’s has more in common with the Fred Savage sitcom Working than with The Office. It’s over the top, surreal and pretty dead-on in its satirical portrayal of socially awkward smart people. You can find episodes online through Google Video. If asked to cast the American version, I'd go with Dave Foley (or any of the Kids in the Hall) as the blowhard boss and Christina Hendricks (Saffron from Firefly) as Jen. Ooh! And the older Pete from Pete and Pete as Roy. You know, just in case anyone cares.

Veronica Mars Shocker!

The CW's not airing a new episode in Los Angeles tonight because the Clippers and the Lakers are playing. Lame! Instead, if you want to catch Veronica and the gang and Patty Hearst as a woman who gets kidnapped (I know!) you'll have to tune in at 9:00 PM (that's 21h for all you military personnel) on Saturday.

Funny/Not funny: Monday Night Round-up

Funny: Robin Sparkles wished everyone would go to the mall. The teasers for How I Met Your Mother made it seem like Robin's big secret was Canadian porn. Lily and Marshall suspected that Ted's anti-marriage honey actually had a husband. Instead it turned out that Robin was once Canada's answer to Tiffany (our neighbors to the North didn't get the '80s until around 1993... strangely this helps explain Degrassi TNG). Her video featured bad hair, leggings, a robot co-star and an ill-advised rap. Awesome.

Not funny: Jessica Simpson wishes for peace in the Midwest. Off camera. It may seem like I'm picking on Studio 60, but let's think of it this way: instead of harping on Matt Albie being a COMIC GENIUS who wants to explain to everyone in America that he had nothing to do with Ricky and Ron's (or is it Ronnie and Rick's?) little sitcom, we'll focus on the Jessica Simpson thing. Let's be honest, she's not a tough target. A single joke about the dumb blonde host filling air time and making a dumb blonde mistake is one thing, but it felt like everyone in the cast got to take a shot at the unseen Simpson. And beyond the smugness of the jokes being about 3 years old (we might as well have brought up the great tuna/chicken debate or buffalo wings), the show's choice of Simpson seemed to dovetail with the Harry storyline. Tom and Simon (who are both dead to me) lectured Harry the whole episode that by posing in her underwear for some men's magazine, she's not going to stop losing parts to Debra Messing (really?), she's just going to play into the hands of those who fetishize the pious (are you listening, Jessica? What about you Kristin Chenoweth? I mean, not that you should be cause this in no way has anything to do with you. At all. For real.). I don't know what to tell you, kids. It wasn't as bad as the past few weeks, but it was no where near as entertaining as its pedigree would suggest.

Bad news, Sean. Your girlfriend's a whore.

I'm no fan of double standards. Yeah, Emma was dumb for hooking up with Jay, but I seriously doubt that Sean was sitting around knitting and pining for his lost love in Wasaga while the van was a-rockin'. This episode was all about Sean dealing with the fact that his idealized Emma is a real person and she's made some real big mistakes. You'd think he would have clued into that when she took Peter back a couple of episodes ago, but whatev.

It's my sad duty to inform you that the worst thing about this episode was not Emma's acting. The writing is frankly slipping. With characters acting without real motivation, the story was propelled forward by the need to get to the freeze frame of acceptance within the 30 minutes allotted. Degrassi is so much better than this episode.

Bad news: The N is taking a break from airing season 6 until the start of 2007. Good news: Craig will return and kiss an unwilling Ellie (yay, Ellie!) and someone's going to die. I'm voting for JT or Liberty. Ooh! Also, the teen mom's old school mates declare war on Degrassi and it appears that the Afro Twins, Toby and JT will be caught in the fight.

Veronica Mars: Of Vice and Men

With the men in her life disappointing Veronica, she turns to her boy Wallace. But he’s out of town so she gets to spend some quality time with Piz in their dorm room. The mystery of the week is that the boys’ neighbor Sully is missing and his long distance girlfriend Meryl is sure that something’s afoul. With her dad seeing a married woman and her boyfriend refusing to tell her the alibi that will clear his friend of serial rape, Veronica understandably takes all the clues to mean that Sully’s actually being a coward and trying to break up with Meryl. When she apologizes for being wrong, Meryl kindly says that it’s okay, if she’d never been in love, she wouldn’t have believed it either.

Ouch.

It was a great episode and this little recap is in no way a substitute for watching, so I’ll just go over the highlights.

Veronica guilts Keith into breaking it off with Harmony. Yeah, she’s married, but this is the second relationship Veronica's ended for the poor guy.

Vinnie is working for the Fitzpatricks and Harmony’s husband (presumably in unrelated capacities) and it’s a good thing for the former, because when Veronica and Meryl end up in way over their heads at the River Stix (am I the only one who thought it was in a garage and not an actual bar with a store front last year?), he saves their asses. Liam, who we last saw murdering his older brother, is chilling as he dances around with our petite heroine, bouncing the air out of her like a gasping rag doll.

Veronica basically blackmails Logan into giving her Mercer’s alibi, which is that while they were in TJ, Mercer caught their hotel on fire and the boys fled before finding out if everyone made it out alive. Logan didn’t want to face V’s judging eyes or for his friend to face up for the crime he actually committed.

Veronica clears Mercer by finding out that his call-in radio show was on the air at the times of two of the other rapes and when she questions him about what was found in his room, he claims that he’s being set up. Also, both Chip the Suspicious Frat Prez and Dean O’Dell have a reason to want him off campus and out of the casino business.

After turning her back on her drink in the caf, Veronica gets GHB’d and finds herself wandering around campus. We see the rubber glove wearing rapist close in on her (I still say that could totally be Nish from the silhouette) but Veronica sets off her own alarm, alerting Logan, who was nearby looking for her. As he rushed to Veronica I couldn’t help but remember him using her to take body shots last time she was drugged. The moment nicely underlined the changes they’ve gone through since Season 1. Logan takes her home to her dad, where the men who so disappointed her prove that they’re the ones who love her.

Creepy news: The rapist partially scalped Veronica in the parking lot. And I’m guessing he/she didn’t use electric clippers since we didn't hear anything. Maybe it was the actual rapist, maybe a copycat out to scare V.

Interesting casting news: The dude who played Sully’s roommate also played Doctor Ben on Buffy. Either his career’s really not doing well or we should expect to see him again. Also, he was wearing a weird long wig.

Piz News: Still pretty damn adorable.

Say it ain’t so, Smash

Oh, Smash. You’re killing me. With the ghost of football stars past hanging around and asking Taylor for a job, it’s no wonder that our boy’s confidence is waivering, but damn. Convinced that he’s his family’s meal ticket and that homecoming is his one chance to impress the scout to end all scouts, Smash screws up big. He gets pulled out of the game and gives the newly sober Riggs the opportunity to shine. Riggs gets the game ball and emotionally reminds everyone that the heart of their team is Street.

Meanwhile Street’s worried about the embrace he saw between Riggs and Lyla. Despite his rehab friends’ warning that the team will turn him into little more than a mascot if he shows up for homecoming, he decides to go, if only so he can keep an eye on his girlfriend and his best friend.

Tyra hangs out with Riggs’ brother, himself a former athletic star, and they make several thousand dollars throwing the big homecoming party. It’s got all the makings of an unholy alliance.

Saracen kind of asked Julie out! It was awkward and he almost took it back as soon as he said it and we never exactly got an answer, but still! Awesome!

Next week Smash’s downward spiral continues when he starts abusing steroids. Apparently he did not see that afterschool special with Ben Affleck all roided out. That’s his loss on several levels.

Liveblogging Studio 60

Sorkin's treating what promised to be an entertaining show like it's homework, I decided to play along and take notes.

10:02—We’re already debating civil unions. I think Sorkin might be dead inside.

10:04—Bobby commercial. A quick check of IMDb reveals that Joshua Jackson is in the film. How was I unaware of this exciting information?

10:06—You know what I love about Brazil? They probably don’t air Studio 60 there.

10:07—Um, Harry’s mom died and asked a national organization of homophobic women to look after her? That’s odd, right?

10:10—Again, no one in America cares about network presidents. Does Kevin Reilly hate kids? Does he have any? I don’t know. And if you don’t know who Kevin Reilly is, then you’re proving my point.

10:16—Elliott’s gonna kiss that new partner of his on SVU? Heart…breaking…

10:16—John Goodman crosses cultural boundaries by asking Simon about his twists. He calls them cornrows. The unmitigated gall! The network’s lawyer played the FBLA sponsor on Veronica Mars. I love him for this.

10:19—Lucy Davis! The politics of who gets called “sir.” Fascinating.

10:20—Despite being a series regular and thus a professional comedian at the top of his field, Capital One Dude is too nervous to perform as Simon’s replacement. This may tie back into “sir” or the twists. I’m not sure.

10:22—Hollywood’s a liberal cesspool. Or is it? Harry and Matt to the rescue!

10:23—Now Harry’s surrogate mommies don’t think she’s hateful ENOUGH. The irony!

10:24—Oy.
Danny: Her only big move’s been Studio 60 and Studio 60’s working.
Jack: Is it? Look where we are now.
St. Clare: Yes. Look where we are.

10:30—Unfunny skit. Not even a smile. Plus, it’s racist. Matt’s a genius.

10:31—Capital One’s self-conscious about his body. I really hope we can deal with this more in-depth sometime soon. Maybe it’ll turn out he’s a cutter or he eats tubs of ice-cream and throws them up while watching that show about the UN. That would certainly demonstrate newly plumbed depths of self-hatred.

10:33—Much Ado About Jordan McDeere. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:35—John Goodman’s just a-teaching ever-body a lesson.

10:36—Tom’s little brother is an AMERICAN HERO! And his BRAVERY gets everyone off the hook. The show will go on and we’ll live to see another glorious episode.

10:38—Despite all actions to the contrary, John Goodman wants everyone to know something about Middle America not being full of Hee Haw extras. Now if everyone will turn in their textbooks to the practice quiz on page 58, we’ll get started.

10:42—Bradley Whitford, it’s too late to try to amuse me.

10:45—Capital One doesn’t want to go on even though Matt thinks that he looks very good in a very hetero way.

10:46—Lucy can’t get Ricky and Ron’s attention. I’m pretty sure that’s because they’re no longer on the show. Oh God, her sketch is awful and she’s….crying. Good God, you’re British! Stiff upper lip and all that! Damn you, Sorkin! She was the one thing that was unsullied. Women cry in the workplace. Because they’re sensitive and moody.

10:48—That Chinese bitch is spilling the beans to her dad. Jordan McDeere has brought shame to NBS. Jack to the rescue! He’s giving a speech and he’s giving it like a true Sorkin man. “Honor this and honor that and take your business to Time Warner.” Something tells me he’s landing this account. He does, though I can't tell if it's because something was Lost in Translation or the Chinese dude's just pretending it was. He's a wiley one.

10:52—Capital One’s only comfortable in a Santa Suit, with a mustache and a hat. Simon’s trying to give up the chair and even calls him “Sir.” Damn it, I kind of love Capital One.

10:53—Lucy’s still crying. Danny has to translate HYSTERICAL FEMALE. Cause chicks are CRAZY.

10:55—The "Simple Life/This World Changes Too Fast" speech versus The "Gay=Black" speech. Matt wants to protect Harry from gay street toughs. “Are you crazy about me, or just crazy?” Does this dialogue suck, or have I recently suffered a head injury?

Next week: Harry poses in her uptight undies and the newly crazy Lucy kisses Matt.

Who's Who: Degrassi

Pretty Enough for US Primetime:

Let’s just say Canadian TV is a little more forgiving than TV in America. I’m not saying the other girls of Degrassi aren’t lovely, but in US Primetime—where we’re supposed to buy America Ferrera and Jenna Fischer as plain janes—these are the three who could survive as leading ladies.

ELLIE has come a long way from Goth cutter with pigtails. She’s gotten over being abandoned by moody Sean and rejected by lothario Craig and now she’s dating her boss at the college paper. And not only does he look like a hot Zach Braff, but it also looks like he hits the gym when he's not playing Clark Kent.

DARCY got a lot hotter when she became a main character. They gave her hair extensions and a personality beyond that girl who helped Manny break Paige’s leg. Lately she’s gone back and forth from uptight and judgmental to borderline retarded. She may have broken Spinner's heart, but at least she looked cute while doing it.

MANNY was a cute kid. As she got older, the writers took their cue from nature, changing her character from Emma’s immature best friend to star of her own storylines. Now Manny’s not only most likely to be involved in a cat fight, but the whole school knows all about her abortion and they’ve all seen that video of her boobs on the internet. It was Manny’s goal to be hot. Aside from that weird haircut in Season 5, she’s been successful in her endeavor.

The Horror!

And I'm not just talking about Lara Flynn Boyle's lips (zing!). I spent a good deal of Sunday just sitting on the futon with the Chef watching Lifetime movies. It's one of her favorite pastimes and we caught parts of two (one involved a former Baywatch chick, that skeezy dude from Sex and the City and Adam Baldwin; the other... I can't really recall) and all of The House Next Door.

Starring LFB's top lip and Mark-Paul Gosselaar's tousled hair, this little gem of a film seemed to last at least seven years. The Chef claims this is the sign of a good Lifetime movie, but I'm not convinced. In between the commercials for the Lifetime original series Monarch Cove (is it bad that I kind of want to tune in?) I mostly just wondered where Mark-Paul's maybe evil, but definitely dreamy architect had gone. I also wondered why his fairly bland modern design was being hailed as revolutionary. Then I found out that the book that is the basis for the film, which will surely win a People's Choice Award for best use of a Saved By the Bell Star Not Named Mario Lopez, was written in the '70s. So with that mystery solved, I'm only left to wonder how LFB and her stoic hubby got custody of the precocious little girl who played a possessed demon in that other Lifetime movie with the chick from 24 and her evil twin from The Nine.

Degrassi: Working for the Weekend

Spinner content: High
Marco content: Low and wearing an ascot

To distract himself from the aptitude test that proclaimed him a clown, Spinner gets the brilliant idea of starting a t-shirt business so that he and Jimmy will no longer be merely twinkies, but members of an army of people clothed in Jimmy Brooks originals (which looked suspiciously like a t-shirt my older brother once got with three box tops from Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese). After selling shirts on the street from a box works well, Spinner decides to further ruin the life of the dude he inadvertently crippled by suggesting that they dip into savings to open a store front in Toronto.

Though he hangs out with giggling harajuku girls, Dylan’s still enough of a grownup to stop the 5th year high school seniors from throwing cash around to the their pals before paying for over-head and bills. Maybe Degrassi they should replace on of Simpson’s media classes with some business ones, because Spinner proves his stupidity isn’t limited to book learnin’ by basically giving some shady dudes an invitation to rob him and his wheelchair-bound partner. Later the criminals (who make Jay look super-hard -- no, not like that, Emma) have a slap fight with Jimmy over the cash box. Spinner shows up and saves the day “Jack Bauer-style” and realizes that maybe being a cop (#2 on the aptitude test of shame) wouldn’t be so bad.

In Hotter Now That She’s Out News, Alex is back at Degrassi to upgrade her marks to she can get into physiotherapy school. She joins the lacrosse team and some girl named Serena hates her for no apparent reason. Alex is actually pretty cool about the younger girl’s ‘tude. I was hoping that Serena was totally closeted and hated Alex because of her cute new look and her own repressed lust, but it turns out Alex once sprained the girl’s ankle and “blinded” her with a laser pointer during a debate (oh, WAH!). Alex explains that those were random acts of bitchery, but Serena’s gonna hold a grudge for a couple more episodes. Yawn.

Next week: Sean gets out of jail and find out about Emma, Jay and the ravine of sexually transmitted diseases! I bet his fury will be totally justified and that he didn't fool around with anyone the entire time he was in Wasaga.

But what about Crabman's family?

Last night's Joy and Crabman storyline on My Name is Earl was cute enough. She was pissed that he never told her he was in the witness protection program, so she kicked him out of the house. This led to him crashing with the Hickey boys and getting to be the crabmeat of an Earl and Randy po' boy.

My problem is that it seems the writers decided to just ignore the fact that we've met Darnell's family. I'd say that maybe they were his paid Witness protection family, but he was pretty pissed when Joy told him Earl slept with his mother. Nitpicking aside, it was a solid, if unspectacular episode. Jenny McCarthy was sweet as a personal trainer lacking the confidence to tell men how she really feels and Catalina walked away with my favorite line of the night with the flawlessly delivered, "I'm gonna kill someone again."

Noah Wyle back on the small screen

Some how I missed the first Librarian film, but you can bet I won't make the same mistake twice. It may be giving away too much about myself to say that Noah Wyle and that aquiline nose are two of my favorite things to see on TV. It's been too long, Dr. Carter.

Nathan Fillion on Lost

I haven't been a big Lost fan since the first season. It's still a good show and I'm not really bothered by the lack of answers, as long as they can keep it interesting and entertaining, I don't need to be able to figure out all the crazy mysteries. Generally I half-watch the show because the Sub-letter likes it and he can fill me in on the stuff I missed last year when it was on opposite Veronica Mars.

Last night's episode was an exception. I'd heard that Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Serenity, Two Guys and a Girl..., Slither, etc.) would appear in Kate's flashback. I do enjoy some Nathan Fillion (even as the evil priest on Buffy), so I made it a point to be home when 9 o'clock rolled around. Fillion was good. He was endearing as Kate's cop husband, but he didn't have a whole lot to do. Kate was still the conflicted con artist that makes me yawn. All in all, it was kind of a let down.

Not such a let down: Sawyer and Kate finally doing something about their mutual attraction (other than send one another mixed messages) and Jack hijacking Ben's surgery and holding the Others' leader hostage under the knife. I think my favorite thing is that the Others were so shocked, like they're the only ones allowed to play dirty.

Friday Night Lights: El Accidente

Nothing’s sadder than love triangles in which all the parties love each other. Don’t believe me? Then you haven’t seen a little film called Pearl Harbor. Using the PH template, Street = Affleck – (fake death and faker Southern accent) x spine injury; Riggins = Hartnett + teen alcoholism + bad boy hair; Lyla = Beckinsale – acting classes.

In all seriousness, it was a really great episode for the triangle. We got to see the friendship that was being tested by Riggins’ inability to face his injured friend and what it means—I’d say Street’s paralysis is the end, not only of a football career, but also the collective feeling of immortality that comes with youth. We also got to see that although Lyla dealt with grief using a combustible mix of high-octane perkiness and angsty (but not doubt hot) lovin’, she truly loves Jason. It’s unfortunate that Street’s totally onto the pair, especially after their afternoon with him made Riggins understand that he was just a placeholder.

In Matt Saracen news: I totally knew he’d do the right thing and tell the coach, who I also knew would do the right thing. That’s why they each deserve the lovely Taylor women. Speaking of which, Julie totally likes Saracen back! Her little awkward moment at the door when you could tell she thought Matt’s dance comment might lead to talk of another dance (one that requires mums…)? Adorable. Too bad he was just there to see the coach.

My one question of the night: Who were Voo Doo’s henchmen? Are you assigned backup the minute you roll into Dillon? Those guys were big enough and tough enough to be on the team. So why aren’t they? And why are they so close with Voo Doo? He’s a jerk and he’s been in town for all of three minutes. Maybe he brought his posse all the way from New Orleans?

Veronica Mars: Hi, Infidelity

Before I get into the first mystery of the season, the serial rapist at Hearst College, I’d like to say how much I like Piz. For once a boy that’s interested in Veronica isn’t tragically damaged. I’m not saying I want her to dump Logan for him, but it’s nice to see that she can attract someone who’s nice and normal. He gets excited about real college boy things like his radio show and sunbathing girls. He's not tortured by his girlfriend's death at the hands of his father or his mother's suicide or about that time he thought his girlfriend was his sister, but he slept with her anyway and tried to live with the gnawing guilt. Additionally, he's not a cop trying to scam on a high school chick or a steriod smuggling drug dealer. It's refreshing.

Things that I miss: Veronica's normal hair, not having the image of a Keith love scene burned into my brain, Beaver (sigh) and Mac.

The only good thing about Mac not being in the last few episodes is that it probably means she’s heavily featured in one of the next big mystery arcs. And frankly, I don’t need Mac to be too involved in the rape mystery. The last thing she needs after all the Beaver drama is to be raped. That’s not to say that Parker deserved to be raped because she was so cheerful, but this show already heaps horrible circumstance after horrible circumstance onto characters like Logan and Veronica so I’m glad they’re giving Mac a bit of a break.

I kind of love Dean O’Dell right now. The fact that Veronica so easily snooped in his office as he enjoyed boxing and junk food was sweet. Clemmons was way too savvy by senior year to let our sleuth pull any of that crap. And I loved him telling off Nish, who I think is the rapist.

Yeah, it may be a stretch, since she’s female, but as Tim the creepy TA pointed out, no hair or semen has been found at the crime scenes. Add to that the fact that she seemed to be complicit in Claire’s fake rape. Exactly how badly does the former editor want the Greeks off campus? She doesn’t seem to care who gets hurt in her crusade, so what’s a few rape victims when compared to the lives she may think she’s saving by outlawing frats.

Rape’s is obviously a very tricky subject and the show doesn’t always handled it well. The main problem is Dick. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Ryan Hansen. And since Logan’s not the jackass he once was, it’s nice that Dick fills that snarky void. But after Veronica learned that he spiked his uptight girlfriend’s drink, thus setting into motion the events that led to her own rape, she really shouldn’t have gotten over it. Before she knew for sure that Beaver had raped her, she knew that Dick had goaded him to do it. So whether or not she knew that Beaver had gone through with it, she spent Season 2 knowing that Dick had intended to basically date rape Madison and that he had encouraged Beaver to assault Veronica.

I don’t buy that with all that information Veronica would still seem to view him as a harmless dummy. She did bring him up as a possible rape suspect, but I think that’s probably more red herring than anything. It’s quite obvious that like James Jordan (the actor who portrayed Lucky and is now Tim), the show’s creative staff is fond of Hansen. But just to play Devil’s Advocate, I wonder if Beaver’s “Remember Sally” warning will reveal something unsavory in Dick’s past.

Who's Who: Degrassi

The Nerds:

TOBY hasn’t really had a storyline since he became bulimic in order to be a wrestler. And I’m pretty sure that was in junior high. Mostly he hangs out at the fringe of JT and Liberty’s storyline, offering such gems as “Not in my bubbie’s car!” To add insult to injury, the kid’s not even in the credits anymore and there's a visible leg in his head shot.

JT was kind of cool for a while. He was friends with Paige and her crew after he tried to fight her rapist (in his little mascot uniform—it was quite sweet), but then he purchased a one way ticket to Nerdsville by dating Liberty. He also hosted a public access kids show and at some point I think he was in a commercial for French Fries. It was all very lame, but now he and Liberty are barely speaking on account of the whole him ODing and her giving their baby away. So he’s dating another teenage mother (nice one!). She’s cute, but she can’t act and her interest in JT is clearly a warning sign of things to come.

DANNY is Liberty’s little brother. I was okay with him being in a storyline when he was the only one who knew that JT and Liberty were expecting a baby. He was conflicted about his sister and his best friend and the serious trouble they were in. Now he’s just a horny, obnoxious little annoyance. He and that kid who called a cripple show up on screen with their matching fros, and I really feel like breaking something.

Tolerance!

Isaiah Washington:
Cool, collected--maybe trying a wee bit too hard--class act.

Free at last, free at last...

My old roommate once compared Britney to that friend from high school who's always screwing up, but you love her any way. Well for once, Brit-Brit ain't screwin' up. She's filed for divorce and I'm happy for her. I watched Chaotic, so I can only assume that the contact high from living with her serpentine hubbie finally wore off and Ms. Spears realized what the hell was going on. I hope she and Shar Jackson get together for a well deserved drink (and that they ask someone other than K-Fed to babysit).

Dear Studio 60

Hey, what's up? How've you been? I’m okay. Monday's kind of suck. I'm not really into Heroes so I feel a little like a social outcast, but I was totally pumped when I saw you! Okay, I wasn't "pumped" so much as "interested in getting in on the ground floor of one of those fancy Aaron Sorkin shows everyone loves." I never watched West Wing and I only got into Sports Night once it was cancelled and rerunning on Comedy Central. So I was all set to really love you.

And at first, I was in solid like with you. The religious stuff was a little weird and I didn't buy for a minute that anyone outside LA would care about Jordan McDeere's sorid personal life--I did an informal poll of my Red State friends and none of them knew of (or cared about) the likes of Dawn Ostroff and Les Moonves--but I was super smitten with Nate Corddry and for once Sarah Paulson's kind of weird voice wasn't bugging me. Also, Matthew Perry? What's not to love?

I know everyone's been on you about how the skits you show aren't funny, and they’re not, but that’s not the biggest problem. I’m just gonna rip off the band-aid: You take yourself way too seriously. Can’t there be any gray area? Like a black comic who isn’t Simon with his South Central tale of woe* (and that new non-funny emo guy doesn't count)? Or maybe a believer in God who isn’t BFF with Pat Robertson? I like Harry, but jeez. And what was with the super confrontational Gay Mafia last night? That was totally weird and…no, just weird.

Studio 60, the main thing I’m worried about is the whole patriotism/political/lame thing. I know your creator is used to the drama in his White House series being Life And Death, but you’re about a comedy show. So maybe sometimes people could like smile or crack (funny) jokes. I don’t know. It’s just an idea. See ya next Monday.

XOXO,

St. Clare

PS. Please stop turning Nate Corddry’s character into a martyr with a hopelessly repressed background in the dreaded Suburbia (“Your brother’s in Afganistan!”). His assertion that Studio 60 is the Paris Opera House of television was just so, so self-congratulatory (although not as much as Matt writing the whole episode because he’s a GENIUS). And I can’t wait to find out why Tom was speeding last week. No doubt it will involve Simon getting shot by former friends from the hood and Tom rushing him to the hospital. He really is like Jesus.

PPS. Lucy Davis needs more lines. She's hilarious and she's being WASTED.

* I don’t think South Central would actually be visible from Simon’s house in the hills

Reunited and it feels so good

And I'm not just talking about the fact that Lily and Marshall are back together (yay!). Last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother was a reunion of Joss Whedon alums. Morena Baccarin of Firefly and Serenity displayed her comic chops as Marshall's crazy-eyed date Chloe, former Buffy star Alyson Hannigan is a series regular and although imdb doesn't list him, I'm pretty sure Tom Lenk (Buffy's Andrew) was Chloe's co-worker. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking...

Who's Who: Degrassi

The Bad Boys fall into two distinct categories: sweetly damaged and malevolently bent on damaging others.

Damaged:
CRAIG’S dad was a really successful surgeon who beat the crap out of his son. No lie, the dude came after him with a golf club when he found out Craig had been in contact with his half sister and former stepfather. So yeah, Craig’s a big ol’ cheater. He got Manny pregnant when he was dating Ashley. Nobody’s perfect. He’s also bi-polar, a revelation that made previous seasons make a lot more sense. Either it was a plot point a long time in the making, or one day the writers realized they’d made him a little too crazy not to be on meds.

SEAN (half) deafened a kid in Wasaga Beach back in junior high. So yeah, he’s got some guilt about that. He’s also tormented by that time he accidentally killed school shooter Rick in his attempt to save Emma. Sean stole Snake’s new laptop when the latter was going through chemo. He hung out with Jay and earlier this year was involved in a hit and run while drag racing. The kid’s screwed up, but with alcoholic parents and a mostly absent brother, he basically raised himself and I give him props for continuing his high school education and having such kick ass eyebrows.

Damaging:
JAY seems pretty harmless (most drop outs who hang around their former schools often do), but one has to remember that 1. He turned JT into a drug-dealer, 2. He gave Emma and countless other girls Gonorrhea, 3. It was his bright idea for Sean to run from the scene of the hit and run and now Sean’s ass is in jail, and last but in no way least, although Spinner took the blame, it was Jay’s initial idea to pour the paint on Rick and then pin the blame on Jimmy. Those acts ignited Rick’s homicidal rage and led to the school shooting.

PETER is a sociopath. The kid has no soul. He’s devious and mean and really freaking creepy. I’m sure he probably tortures animals. I don’t know if this is how the writers intend for us to feel about Peter, but as Little Lady pointed out, he’s a life ruiner. Also, he looks stupid in a wife beater and I don’t buy for an instant that his scrawny arms can hold up girls in cheerleading practice.

Men in Trees MIA

I'll admit that I've called Anne Heche crazy (and not just when the title of her autobiography gave me permission), but sister's a good actress. And I kind of love her new show. So the Chef and I were miffed on Friday when 9 o'clock rolled around and ABC was showing an extra long 20/20. Lame! Let's hope ABC's not toying with the idea of getting rid of its Sex and the City/Northern Exposure hybrid. It's the TV equivalent of chick lit, but with Lost and Heroes and 24, I think there should be a place for a quirky feminine alternative.

Who's Who: Degrassi

The Wet Blankets

LIBERTY: “Wah. My boyfriend knocked me up because he refused to accept the fact that jumbo condoms weren’t actually the size he required. I was always an insufferable know-it-all and now I’m an insufferable bore.”

ASHLEY: “Boo hoo. My boyfriend cheated on me, knocked up the school slut, begged for my forgiveness and then when I finally slept with him, went crazy bi-polar and ruined my dad’s gay wedding.” Okay, second thought, Ashley’s life kind of sucks. I still wish she’d stayed in England.

Bad Boy Smack Down: Veronica Mars

Logan Echolls:
Yeah, Neptunes’s somewhat reformed psychotic jackass has had his share of run-ins with the law. He organized bum fights and was suspected of killing his first love. Then he was suspected of stabbing Felix on the bridge and the ensuing class warfare led him to set a public pool on fire, use mild racial slurs and date a really sweet girl just to screw with her coke-snorting dad.

Eli “Weevil” Navarro
Weevil was the head of The PCH Bike Club, a multi-ethnic gang of ruffians who struck terror into the hearts of…I guess some people. They did tape Wallace to the flag pole, which was not cool at all. There was that one time he made Logan, Duncan and those other dudes strip when someone stole the poker money. All in all, Weevil never struck me as the toughest gang leader. That is, until he jumped Thumper and delivered him to the Fitzpatricks to be murdered. That was pretty freaking hard core.

SEASON TWO SPOILER ALERT, CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK...


They’re both bad boys with hearts of gold, but you know Weevil would have pulled the trigger on the roof of the Neptune Grand and saved someone the trouble if scraping Beaver off their windshield.

Who's Who: Degrassi

The Gays:

MARCO has learned a lot at Degrassi, namely that he likes boys and that he looks way better without the blowout. He’s my personal favorite of the gays. In addition to playing the supportive sidekick, he also shines at the center of his own storylines.

DYLAN is Paige’s super-butch gay brother. He loves hockey, strip poker and Marco. And that’s enough to make me love him.





ALEX displayed classic closeted loathing behavior when she threatened to out Marco during their battle for school president (I’m sorry, did anyone at school NOT know Marco was gay?). But after her friendship with Paige blossomed into something more, she realized that unlike her girlfriend, she wasn’t just going through an experimental phase.

Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields are friends

Apparently the new pals got together to watch Grey's Anatomy.

My only question: Were they as disappointed with the premiere as me?