Pontius Pilot: Community

THE GOOD: Joel McHale on primetime! Joel McHale on primetime! After supremely mixed feelings about his appearance on the defunct pilot for the US take on "The IT Crowd" (how could a virtual line-by-line remake be so unfunny?), I am now free to bask in the possibility of enjoying the hysterical host of "Talk Soup" on a show that doesn't feature a regular segment about what crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

The show also features an excellent ensemble comprised of Chevy Chase, a hot blonde, a hot (but uptight) brunette, a sassy black lady, a kid with Aspergers (he's my favorite), that British dude from "The Daily Show" and a young jock dude who used to write for "30 Rock" (he's my second favorite). Oh and Ken Jeong.

THE BAD: The airwaves (and my American Airlines flight from TX last week) have been saturated with ads for the show. In addition to getting lots of people to tune in, it also gave away most of the jokes. I think that's why a lot of the pacing felt a little flat to me; I knew exactly where we were going. That's not to say I didn't laugh really hard at everything out of Abed's mouth.

THE VERDICT: It'll get better. The "30 Rock" pilot wasn't as good and now it's the most hilarious thing on TV.*

*Not including the crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

Pontius Pilot: The Vampire Diaries

THE GOOD: With Dawson's Creek and Hidden Palms (forgot about that one, didn't you?), Kevin Williamson made the mistake of giving us just a handful of central characters. That makes for very tight, very frustrating little love triangles. With The Vampire Diaries, we've got a plethora of characters: Elena, her two friends (witchy Bonnie and needy...blonde girl), her two vampire love interests (broody Stefan and delightfully evil Damon), her self-medicating brother (and his former hook-up), her ex-boyfriend (Hey, don't I know you from Friday Night Lights?) and his kinda date-rapey best friend. Plus two adults that no one really cares about.

There's already a lot of interpersonal drama and that's BEFORE Damon showed up to start killing off locals (Jesse from Degrassi, we'll miss you) and torture his brother. Speaking of Degrassi (and you know I love to), TeenMom is actually good as Elena. She could easily be a mopey and pensive (and she is a little, I mean, her parents did just die), but TeenMom finds a way to elevate her, making her likable and tough. She won't crumble when her world is ripped wide open (and if Damon's half the vampire I think he is, he will rip that shit WIDE open), she'll rip a bottle out of her brother's hand, cracks it on a table and fight the hell back.

THE BAD: Stefan looks really old. I get that he's been hanging out since the mid 19th century, but really? When Elena ran into him outside the men's bathroom, I half expected her to be like "Oh I think you're looking for the teacher's lounge." I (kind of) get why the Cullens in Twilight hide out in high school; they were all under 20 when they died. But Stefan seems like he was older, right? Or maybe he just looks like it.

Also potentially lame is the whole Civil War thing they're doing. Apparently in the books, the brothers became vamps in Renaissance Italy. The TV adaptation has them being changed in Elena's hometown, Mystic Falls, during the Civil War. You know, the war that pitted brother against brother? Symbolism! This could go a couple of different ways, it could be kind of interesting and murky or it could be totally black-and-white and lame all over.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass. Only to be watched while on the elliptical. Or eating a tub of ice cream.

Pontius Pilot: Melrose Place

THE GOOD: I didn't hate Katie Cassidy on Supernatural, but I also didn't mind when she was replaced with that chick from Wildfire. So let's just say I wasn't expecting to fall in love with her as Melrose Place's token bitch. And yet I totally did. I wasn't a fan of first Melrose incarnation so I don't know if Heather Locklear's Amanda had a heart under all that hairspray and menace, but Cassidy's Ella does and it beats only for Noah, her goofy filmmaker buddy. He's newly engaged to Riley, a sweet teacher who doesn't quite believe in him as much as his fierce publicist/manager/agent. I think the reason I love Noah and Ella the most is that they're the most fully formed characters; I know real life versions of them.

There are other promising characters. Auggie the chef is nice and brooding and though he seemed to love dead Sydney the most, he was also the one burning bloody clothes before we cut to credits. Struggling young doctor Lauren is starting down the slippery slope to whoredom, which is good since she has such an awesome bedside manner. And Michael's son David seems fun, even if he is an art thief, which is a little bit hilarious.

THE BAD: Oh Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Maybe she'll be better after the pilot. Her character is the shoe-horned in new neighbor that finds dead Sydney in the pool. She then has an awkward Backstory Betty convo with Auggie about his sobriety and very oddly encourages Lauren to be a hooker. She basically comes off as a huge creep. And not in an "Ooh I wonder what her secret is" way, but like a "Please get killed off soon" way.

While I like Veronica Marsiness of the murder mystery, Sydney Andrews is no Lilly Kane. So far, she's just a pathetic cougar of a landlord who populated her old stomping grounds with a new generation of hotties in hopes of reliving her glory days. Though it showed foresight to rent to another crazy redhead before shuffling off the mortal coil.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass.

Moments in TV Awesome: Teacup Humans

There's a reason people fall for the Spikes and Erics of vampire TV. Sure, the appeal of a vampire love story is that this untameable, beautiful brooder (they're always brooders) can actually be tamed by love. That makes Angel and Edward and certainly Mr. Bill Compton very appealing. They're dark monsters transformed into... whipped puppies. And don't get me wrong, that's well and good for a while. But such self-denying devotion gets boring but quick.

Cue a character with all the sexy, dangerous charm and none of the neutered self-loathing. These characters embrace life, even if they're not really alive.

Two minutes in, see Eric discuss children in a way that would give Bill the vapors.

My workout playlist

A lot of people love to listen to music to get into their workout, but the thing that most takes me out of my head is some good TV. Now I can't just watch anything. Nothing too boring -- I love "What Not to Wear," but it is clearly designed to be watched while reading a magazine or talking on the phone. And trying to concentrate on "Battlestar" or "The Wire" while keeping my heart rate up is just impossible. Shows like that deserve greater attention.

There are three types of shows that have that perfect blend of interesting and easy. I don't think so hard that I forget I'm supposed to be working out and I'm not so bored that I find myself flipping channels and slowing my pace to read show descriptions.

LADIES WITH SUPERNATURAL PROBLEMS:
Right now, that means "Drop Dead Diva." It's a charming show about an aspiring model who is killed in an accident only to discover that it's not her time and be put back in the body of a similarly deceased plus size attorney. Who happens to work at the model's fiance's firm. And the only people who know her secret are her sweet, supportive BFF and her guardian angel Fred. Shut up. It's a good show. Last night it actually made me tear up and slow down. And Elliot Gould was a guest star. What, you think you're too good for Elliot Gould? Pish.

Another alternative in this genre is "Being Erica," which I LOVED. It's a Canadian import that got its American debut on... Oxygen? Lifetime? Soapnet? I can't remember, but it's awesome. Erica is a thirty something screw up with tons of regrets about the past and she's given the opportunity to fix these regrets by going back to certain days in her past and doing them over. Things work out pretty well until she impulsively stops her brother from dying and totally effs up the future. The show just got ten Gemini nominations and the second season should be coming soon.

DVD workout options: "Wonderfalls" and "Dead Like Me"

QUIRKY CRIME SOLVERS:
"Psych" is enjoyable, but that's because of the likability and chemistry of the cast, not because of it's intricate plotting. That's why it's perfect for a workout. I enjoy the banter and the loose silliness without dwelling on the weird coincidences that follow Shawn and Gus around like a thick, affable fog. Other quirky crime solvers I like to get sweaty with: Richard Castle of "Castle" and Sheriff Carter from "Eureka," though he's less quirky and more the straight man in the town that quirk built.

TEEN SHOWS:
It's no secret that I love teen shows. I can't help it. And ABC Family Channel (minus that unwatchable "Secret Life" dreck) is fantastic. "Make It or Break It" is like "Stick It" meets "One Tree Hill." It's about a squad of Olympic hopeful gymnasts and their families. And since the athletes in questions are teen girls, there's lots of drama, though if I'm being honest, the viciousness has gone downhill since bitchy Lauren rigged a vault, causing an accident that could have paralyzed underdog Emily. But there's still catfighting and boyfriend-stealing and lots of flippy gymnastics moves. What's not to love?

Also on ABC Family, "Greek" is returning in September. When last we saw the denizens of CRU, Cappie and Casey were on the verge of finally getting it together and admitting their love, Evan was less evil than he'd been all season, Rusty still hadn't scared off his girlfriend and Dale being pressured into premarital relations by a full-on cougar. Also, Jesse McCartney seemed to have disappeared and no one missed him at all. If you haven't given this show a chance, you really should. Whether you were Greek or not, it's a nice look back at college and with it's racially diverse cast and frank depiction of gay and lesbian relationships, it's actually pretty progressive.

Merlin's (lack of) beard!

So I never really got into the new Robin Hood that BBC America and my misguided brother kept trying to shove down my throat, but one night when I was without basic cable, I found myself falling for the charms of another BBC take on a legend before the legend, Merlin.

The show follows a young Merlin upon his arrival to Camelot, which is ruled by Uther Pendragon (or as I think of him, King Ripper). Magic has been outlawed by Prince Arthur's father, so it's a dangerous place for the young warlock, who becomes Arthur's manservant and gradual friend (they're totes the Seth and Ryan of Camelot).

The show is a little loose with the traditional story. Instead of being Arthur's sister, Morgana is his father's ward. And apparently Mordred is not their son because he has already made an appearance as a little druid boy to whom Morgana becomes dangerously attached. Oh and Guinevere, who has always been the most annoying character in Camelot's mythos, is now Gwen, Morgana's sweet, socially-awkward hand maiden.

The chemistry between the younger cast members is great and it's fun to see Anthony Head playing a stubborn bastard like Uther. NBC may be done airing the season, but Hulu still has many episodes available, including one with the creation of Excalibur. You know, if you're a dork and care about that kind of thing.

Medical Waste

Thanks to Nurse Jackie and her fellow summer medical shows I have learned that doctors are stupid and will no doubt kill you given half the chance. Your only hope is a medical maverick. It's lucky that this summer is chock full of 'em!

I was excited about Edie Falco's return to TV. She's a fantastic actress and Nurse Jackie doesn't disappoint on that front. Falco's title character is frank and well worn. Even with what feels like a clichéd drug problem (so far it really seems like a problem-ish), she's real person bitchy, not House-level anti-social. She's likable, maybe even lovable, but I have no desire to become a regular viewer. For all its critical acclaim, the show's really nothing special. There's a stable full of stock characters - sassy gay nurse (though I do love Haaz Sleiman), overly emotional young nurse and lazily incompetent doctor (a wasted Peter Facinelli). The episode ended with a Mad Man-style reveal that pharmacist-screwing Jackie has a sweet husband and two little girls. Shock me, shock me, shock me with your predictable twist ending.

Speaking of sassy gay nurses (oh my bad, Ray's apparently a straight male nurse with no game), overly emotional young nurses ("Will I cry everyday?"), lazily incompetent doctors and the rule-bending bad-ass nurse who is better than them all... Jada Pinkett Smith is bringing her unique brand of intensity to TNT with HawthoRNe. Like Jackie, she's got one sane doctor with whom she can commiserate (hers is played by Michael Vartan!), but unlike her pill-snorting counterpart, she also has an angry teenage daughter, an angry mother-in-law and a dead husband. Thank God when she talks to that urn, it doesn't talk back.

HawthoRNe is benign. Our main character is smarter than everyone and we're never allowed to forget it. This makes for boring (and a weirdly preachy) entertainment. Also boring? Hawthorne's BFF having a deep, dark secret that is quickly revealed to be a prosthetic leg that her would-be beau is ambivalent about. No more damaged goods moping - the cute paramedic doesn't mind dating a hot amputee! Snooze. And I don't buy everyone being okay with one of the nurses doling out handjobs to returning war heroes.

You know what else I don't buy? Dr. Hank Lawson being fired for "letting" a rich friend of the hospital die while saving a more critical patient. I guess that's because the system is broken, man. Hank cares about patients, okay? So if you don't, you better go straight to hell. I now regret calling HawthoRNe preachy because Ms. Pinkett-Smith ain't got nothing on Mark Feuerstein's haughty Dr. Lawson. That's right, I said "haughty." After being blacklisted by the medical elite and dumped by his faintly sketched fiancé, he goes to the Hamptons with his brother and ends up saving a bunch of people (MacGyver-style, which is cool the first time, convenient the second time and laughable every time after that) and becoming a concierge doctor. This could be really fun lifestyle porn, but instead it turns into Hank's soapbox. We get to listen to him sound off on hospital bureaucracy, bad parenting and other crap you really don't care about.