Great. Now I need to take a shower.

Ever wanted to see a hooker bang Rick Fox in the ass with a strap on? Yeah, me neither. And yet I was curious about Courteney Cox’s new series Dirt, and that was part of the price of admission.

Maybe it’s because this weekend I caught Scream on TV for the first time in ages, but I was really excited about Cox returning to TV as an ice cold bitch. Unfortunately the series was murky and muddled. The stuff with the schizophrenic paparazzo seemed like it was from an entirely different show and there were just as many confusing jumps in character as there were simulated sex scenes, which is to say: a lot.

At first I thought “actor’s actor” Holt was stoned all the time, but by the end I decided that he was probably just not very good. I wish they’d cast Callum Blue. I take that back, I’d like Callum to be doing more worthwhile things with his time. Like vacuuming.

Here are my questions:

1. When did Lucy decide that her one night stand (a douche who reads Proust at movie premieres—that whole sequence killed a piece of my soul) was not just using her? Was it after she tasered him? Was it off screen? Do I even care?
2. Did Holt crash the car on purpose? Cause it kind of looked like he did.
3. Why was Lucy crying when the cat died? Did she feel bad about the cat? Or the people whose lives she ruined? I don’t buy either explanation.
4. Was that really David Fincher? Shouldn’t he be doing something a tad more productive?
5. Why, Courteney, why?