Instant Star: 18

Ah, remember the good ol' days, when the only thing keeping Tommy and Jude apart were those pesky statutory rape laws? Now she's 18 and to keep everyone's favorite (Canadian) starcrossed lovers apart, the writers have come up with...Hunter. Fresh from prison (where I'm sure his male model looks made him quite popular), he's shown up to seek revenge on Tommy because "revenge is the best revenge." I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Hunter didn't earn a degree in English while behind bars.

Jude and Tommy haven't told anyone about their blossoming affair, but her dad finds out and after giving Tommy a good talking to, tells Jude that she has to be the one to tell Sadie she's dating her ex. Her dread about telling Sadie is exactly why Jude doesn't want to go along with Tommy's idea to sing a song he wrote at her birthday party.

Jude tries to tell Sadie, but it quickly becomes clear that big sis is still hung up on Mr. Q. Sucks for Kwest, who has presumptuously rented a room at the hotel where Jude's soiree is being held ("Happy birthday, Jude! You're sister and I are going to consummate our kind of iffy relationship!") and has no idea that his girlfriend is still pining for his former buddy.

At the big party (inexplicably themed "Dirty Thirties"), Jude decides she's gone too far with the whole "Don't tell anyone about Tommy thing" and after talking to her Dad, she decides to serenade her man in front of everyone. Little does she know that her new pal Hunter has a homicidal vendetta against Tommy and he's vowed to destroy everyone Tom loves.

Her jazzy rendition of Tommy's new song tips off Hunter (and the rest of the room) to the Celine et Rene dynamic of their relationship. Desperate to protect Jude, Tommy tells her (in front of her friends, family and the press) that she’s drunk and making a fool of herself. Jude proves how far she’s come since her similarly humiliating Sweet 16 by brushing him off and pretending the song was for her dad, which would actually be super creepy, but whatev.

Instead of privately explaining that Hunter's EVIL, Tommy proceeds to get pathetically drunk and Sadie, having just responded to Kwest’s declaration of love with “Thank you,” takes away his car keys and leads him to his rented room. Jealous Portia (remember, she used to be married to Tommy before he cheated on her with Hunter’s dead sister Angie) tells Jude where she can find him. Our girl walks in to see her sister kissing her boyfriend (yeah, I'm pissed for Kwest too). She tells Tommy it’s over and leaves with her dignity.

Meanwhile Pagan’s getting to know Jamie via his super-sad “my girlfriend’s dead” itunes playlists. The aging rocker gets him to open up about his feelings and together they pen and “I’m sorry I blamed you for Patsy’s death” missive to Jude. Deciding it’s not too late to be a part of his best friend’s birthday, Jamie rushes to the hotel just in time to whisk Jude away from her Tommy-inflicted trauma.

They go to her rehearsal space to eat take out, dance and reconnect as buddies. He gives her a priceless Pagan guitar-strap and the letter. She’s touched, and gives him a sweet, but platonic kiss. I love Jude and all, but if she hurts that boy again I will wring her scrawny neck myself.

Speaking of people who deserve a nice bitch slap, kissing Tommy has made Sadie understand that she’s in love with Kwest. Too bad Kwest doesn't buy the lame claim that the affection test was "for us." Meanwhile Spiederman wants the world to know that he’s with Karma (I'm not sure why either). She's against this, but ultimately decides that since he’s Jude’s guitarist, their romance will generate press interest in her upcoming record. So then it's cool to come out as a couple. You know who's a bigger bitch than even Karma in this situation? Spiederman.

Next week: Hunter's still homicidal and Jude fires Tommy!