Dear Office Hairstylist...

Stop it. You know what I'm talking about. I don't know if John Krasinski was rude to you at the craft service table or if you're inexplicably rooting for Roy, but there's no excuse for this kind of behavior. For shame, Office Hairstylist, for shame.

Dear Tommy Donnelly...

Stop looking at me with those sad puppy eyes. I'm serious. I've gotta say, I don't think you know how much hope I had for you. Do you know how many times I watched the pilot? I'll say six so you don't think I'm a weirdo, but it was probably more. And what do I get in return? A muddled, poorly plotted, glacially paced "drama" about four brothers, who frankly, I'm shocked are not dead. Does Kevin even have a fourth grade education? And Jimmy? Don't even get me started. In the pilot we're told that his life changes because he goes to rehab. But he didn't go. You know what would have been dramatic? If the second episode picked up a month or two after the pilot and we saw Jimmy trying to walk the straight and narrow while you were struggling with your new life in crime.

Instead we've got him walking around (sometimes with a limp, sometimes without) telling anyone who will listen that you and Kevin killed Huey. I realize he's a junky, but Jesus! And what's with all this Huey was a great guy BS? I'm so freaking bored with all of it. And Dokey and his ax are as tedious as the humor of Joey Ice Cream.

Damn it, Tommy! Listen to me. I sound jaded and I hate that. But what I saw as a promising spin on the Godfather for a different medium has turned out to be recycled muck. And I'm going to predict your affair with Huey's widow right now. Playing father figure to that weird kid from the Omen isn't going to assuage your guilt and it's a trite plot point, but I'm sure that's where we'll be headed next. Lame, lame, lame.

You bastard, you've made me think fondly of Studio 60. And that, my former friend, is unforgivable.

-SC

PS. Keep up the high protein diet, you look fab!

Re: That crappy plot point you ganked

Dear Scrubs,

So I couldn't help notice the whole fake miscarriage thing you did last night with JD and that hot surgeon. It happened just after all that super zany stuff with the RV and that super touching stuff with the fetus clutching Turk's finger, which BTDub, was pretty messed up.

Anywho, the thing is, I did that in Season Two during one of Ryan and Marissa's 84 breakups. Ryan left da OC to be noble and care for Theresa and an unborn baby of questionable paternity. Then it turned out that being noble is totally contagious and Theresa pretended the baby died, but it didn't. So Ryan went back to Newport and Marissa's clavicle and he never knew that a baby that he may or may not have fathered was still totally among the living. It was hella compelling.

Who am I trying to kid? It was dumb then and it's dumb now. Don't you see how melodramatic and ridiculous it is, Scrubs? Look at what that kind of thing did to me? It signaled the beginning of the end. I started trying to wring drama out of Marissa's hissy fits near the pool and self-referential graphic novels. It was bad.

Here's my advice: Check the freshness date on your storylines, cause this one is passed due. We're talkin' chunky milk over here.

Peace Out!

The OC

PS. I stole it from Fools Rush in with Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek. That's how not-so-fresh it is.

Dear Matt Saracen's Dad,

You’re an asshole. That is all.

-SC

PS. You should try to be more like Coach. Assface.

Dear Eric Mabius...

I used to really dislike you. I first remember seeing you play a closeted high school football player in Cruel Intentions. Yawn. Plus, you were like 28 and that struck me as a little pathetic. And then I guess you were in some other things like The L Word and some horror movies or something. You kind of fell off my radar until you played an ass on Eyes, but the show didn’t really capture my attention, so whatever. But then there was The OC. I was pretty ambivalent about you until you started playing Harbor's Evil East Coast Dean of Discipline. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

I mean, by all righs we should have been cool with one another, "the enemy of my enemy" and all that. But while I wanted Marissa to be a fully formed character, you wanted her to be punished for stopping the violent, drug-addled ex-con who tried to RAPE her from murdering her boyfriend. My rage at this ridiculous plot point was blinding and now I see that it was misplaced. I should have been directing a little more of it towards the people who created the stupid and completely unrealistic (no, not in a good way) character.

I say all this because in your current role as Mode Magazine Editor-in-Chief Daniel Meade on Ugly Betty you are not only charming and handsome, but also endearing and sympathetic. I take back all of the eye rolling and TV yelling that was directed at you in the past. You, sir, have chipped away at some unknown part of my being that has a soft spot for Poor Little Rich Playboys. Well played, Eric Mabius, well played.

xoxo
SC

Dear Studio 60

Hey, what's up? How've you been? I’m okay. Monday's kind of suck. I'm not really into Heroes so I feel a little like a social outcast, but I was totally pumped when I saw you! Okay, I wasn't "pumped" so much as "interested in getting in on the ground floor of one of those fancy Aaron Sorkin shows everyone loves." I never watched West Wing and I only got into Sports Night once it was cancelled and rerunning on Comedy Central. So I was all set to really love you.

And at first, I was in solid like with you. The religious stuff was a little weird and I didn't buy for a minute that anyone outside LA would care about Jordan McDeere's sorid personal life--I did an informal poll of my Red State friends and none of them knew of (or cared about) the likes of Dawn Ostroff and Les Moonves--but I was super smitten with Nate Corddry and for once Sarah Paulson's kind of weird voice wasn't bugging me. Also, Matthew Perry? What's not to love?

I know everyone's been on you about how the skits you show aren't funny, and they’re not, but that’s not the biggest problem. I’m just gonna rip off the band-aid: You take yourself way too seriously. Can’t there be any gray area? Like a black comic who isn’t Simon with his South Central tale of woe* (and that new non-funny emo guy doesn't count)? Or maybe a believer in God who isn’t BFF with Pat Robertson? I like Harry, but jeez. And what was with the super confrontational Gay Mafia last night? That was totally weird and…no, just weird.

Studio 60, the main thing I’m worried about is the whole patriotism/political/lame thing. I know your creator is used to the drama in his White House series being Life And Death, but you’re about a comedy show. So maybe sometimes people could like smile or crack (funny) jokes. I don’t know. It’s just an idea. See ya next Monday.

XOXO,

St. Clare

PS. Please stop turning Nate Corddry’s character into a martyr with a hopelessly repressed background in the dreaded Suburbia (“Your brother’s in Afganistan!”). His assertion that Studio 60 is the Paris Opera House of television was just so, so self-congratulatory (although not as much as Matt writing the whole episode because he’s a GENIUS). And I can’t wait to find out why Tom was speeding last week. No doubt it will involve Simon getting shot by former friends from the hood and Tom rushing him to the hospital. He really is like Jesus.

PPS. Lucy Davis needs more lines. She's hilarious and she's being WASTED.

* I don’t think South Central would actually be visible from Simon’s house in the hills