Bad Mother, shut your mouth

Bar fight-induced temporary paralysis, two new female characters with (fingers crossed) the potential to be straight-up stalkers, the fact that Haley and Nathan's son is being raised (at least partially) by Lucas and Skillz... What's not to love about the new One Tree Hill? The lack of terrifyingly bad parental role models, that's what. Daphne Zuniga has joined the cast as Brooke's emotionally abusive mother, but that's a snooze when you remember the legendary reign of Dan "I killed my brother in the middle of a school shooting cause I'm EVIL" Scott. Take a look at CMM's face. He's like "Bitch, please. I knew Dan Scott; Dan Scott is my dastardly father. And you, ma'am, are no Dan Scott." After making a brief appearance in episode two, I'm hoping Tree Hill's former mayor will somehow return to show regular status. The guy survived being poisoned and burned alive, I don't see why he can't get around this whole life in prison thing.

In keeping with this hope, here are my official predictions for the upcoming season:

1. Little Jamie's nanny turns all Cradle Will Rock on Haley and tries to steal her family. Somehow she'll drive a wedge between Hales and Nathan, but will be ultimately unsuccessful in her attempts to seduce the former sports hero, who I'd wager she's been obsessed with since high school.

2. Brooke's mother will cut her out of Clothes Over Bros. and Brooke will start over with only her homely assistant (poor girl suffers from glasses and ponytail syndrome) at her side. The local boutique will bring fashion to the masses and Brooke will finally be happy. And maybe make out with Mouth a little.

3. Dan will use a legal loop hole to get out of jail and kidnap Jamie. Lucas will save the child and in a daring struggle, push Dan into a raging waterfall. Dan will die, but come back as a ghost that hunts down all his scattered progeny.

4. Peyton and Lucas will dance around their soulmate status until I actually poke both my eyes out and run screaming down the street.

5. Skillz will be the underused black guy at the fringe of all the other storylines. He will be the only character allowed to say "Oh snap!" without irony.

Moments in TV Awesome: The Wire

I spent the weekend binging on Season One of The Wire. Mmm. Excellently executed drama. I think my favorite thing about the show is the way is sprinkles genuinely funny moments on top of all the darkness. McNulty bringing a doped-up informant to his son's soccer game, Bunk drunkenly burning his own clothes to destroy trace evidence of adultery, and this scene.

That Wee-bey. Hilarious. And scary.

One last season of love and hate...

Instant Star executive producer Steven "I'm married to the chick who created Degrassi" Stohn has announced that the upcoming season of my favorite Canadian sing-a-long show will be its last. That's him next to Tommy (in case you were wondering if Jude's dad got recast). I guess Alexz Johnson wants to get on with her recording career. I'd bitch, but last season was such a bomb that I can't blame her for getting out. And with that sassy new bob, she's really going places.

You know what's not sassy? Spiederman's overall appearance. It's pretty much skeeving me out. Seriously, a tank top? This is kind of ruining all those Spiederman tracks on the Season Three soundtrack. Just kidding. Nothing could ruin those tracks. And look at Jamie in the back trying to pretend he's not rocking a mullet. Sadder than me listening to Spied at full volume in my car? Maybe. But definitely not as sad as the fact that Karma's still on the show and partially obscuring Kwest, who is so far in the back that he might just be a cardboard cutout used when the real Kwest has better shit to do. Like visit Portia in the clink.

Oh, Tim

Of course he didn't get kicked out of Coach's house for drinking or illegally hooking up the cable box to porn or making out with Shelly (who I now kind of love being reduced to a shirt-buying dork by that fullback’s sly smile). No, in typically heartbreaking fashion, Tim Riggins had to get kicked out after protecting Julie from both tornadoes and hormonal teenage boys. He had to get turned away and disappointed by yet another father figure. I guess next stop is Buddy's halfway house for orphaned football players and super-sad divorced guys.

I know that some fans were turned off when this season flirted with sensationalism, but all that murder stuff’s over (I think) and the most dramatic stuff between Landry and Tyra this week was that she rejected him to accompany a 35 year-old rival player to the Fall Formal. The truth is Friday Night Lights still packs more sheer entertainment and emotion than any other show on TV. I laugh, sigh, cringe and get a little teary pretty much weekly. It even makes me kind of care about football. Kind of. The real reason I’m addicted is the characters. Buddy could have been a one-joke background player, but he's become the chewy center of his own compelling storyline. Former perfect mother Tami has stumbled, clinging too tightly to both Julie and Shelly and only managed to push them both away. And then there's Coach Taylor. Whether rendered wide-eyed and speechless by a chat with Buddy or enraged by the sight of his daughter is in the arms of a Riggins, he’s the dreamiest man on TV.

Strike Survival Guide

So it seems like everything is in reruns, but it's not true. There are still non-reality series left. Some are back for the first time this season (Jericho, One Tree Hill, Battlestar), some were good at stockpiling episodes (Friday Night Lights, Aliens in America, Men in Trees) and some are Canadian and therefore unaffected by the strike down south (Degrassi). Here's a list of shows, when they return or continue and how many episodes we've got left until it all goes black and we really are stuck with reruns and The Hills.

Shows I care about:

Monday, January 7: October Road (ABC) 8 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: One Tree Hill (CW) 12 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Ugly Betty (ABC) 3 episodes; Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) 3 episodes
Friday, January 11: Friday Night Lights (NBC) 5 episodes; Monk (USA) 6 episodes; Psych (USA) 6 episodes
Monday, January 14: Kyle XY (ABC Family) 10 episodes
Friday, January 18: Degrassi (The N) will finish out season seven and if you need a reason to watch, please see the pic above. That's Ellie finding her boyfriend in the throes of passion with Caitlin "I cheated on Joey with Kevin Smith" Ryan. I know!
Monday, January 21: Wildfire (ABC Family) 13 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Smallville (CW) 6 episodes; Supernatural (CW) 4 episodes; Lost (ABC) 8 episodes
Monday, February 4: Samantha Who? (ABC) 3 episodes
Sunday, February 10: Aliens in America (CW) 7 episodes
Tuesday, February 12: Jericho (CBS) 7 episodes
Wednesday, February 27: Men in Trees (ABC) 11 episodes
Thursday, February 28: Reaper (CW) 3 episodes
Monday, April 28: Bones (Fox) 4 episodes
Spring: Greek (ABC Family) 8 episodes; Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi) 11 episodes

Shows you might care about:

Sunday, January 6: The Wire (HBO) 10 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: Boston Legal (ABC) 4 episodes; Carpoolers (ABC) 7 episodes
Wednesday, January 9: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (TBS) 49 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Big Shots (ABC) 5 episodes
Friday, January 11: Las Vegas (NBC) 7 episodes
Monday, January 14: Prison Break (Fox) 5 episodes
Tuesday, January 15: Nip/Tuck (FX) 6 episodes
Wednesday, January 16: Reno 911 (Comedy Central) 16 episodes
Spring: Robin Hood (BBC America) 13 episodes; The Shield (FX) 13 episodes; The Tudors (Showtime) 12 episodes

New Shows, some of which may suck because they were cobbled together in an effort to stockpile material (Cashmere Mafia, I'm looking at you):

Sunday, January 6: Cashmere Mafia (ABC) 7 episodes
Sunday, January 13: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox) 9 episodes
Sunday, January 20: Breaking Bad (AMC) 9 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Eli Stone (ABC) 13 episodes
Monday, February 4: Welcome to the Captain (CBS) 6 episodes
Monday, February 18: Quarterlife (NBC) 6 episodes
Tuesday, March 4: New Amsterdam (Fox) 8 episodes
Wednesday, March 12: The Return of Jezebel James (Fox) 7 episodes
Monday, April 14: Canterbury’s Law (Fox) 6 episodes

Mrs. Norris Hearts Huckabee

So I'm watching results from the Iowa Caucus (freaking reruns making me pay attention to real things) and beyond being totally weird, it's kind of fascinating. Edwards usually comes off like an insincere Baptist minister, but I was kind of into his speech. Hand me a sickle and a hammer 'cause I love the idea of universal healthcare. I'm still waiting to hear from Obama (the winner and my current choice).

I'm less informed about the Republicans. Romney's a super rich mormon and Tom Tancredo hates immigrants, that's what I know. Huckabee won and here are a few facts about him: 1. He lost a bunch of weight 2. He's BFF with Chuck Norris 3. He's got crazy eyes. Seriously. Take a look into those peepers and try not to shiver. During his victory speech, I couldn't stop staring at Chuck Norris and the fembot I assume is Mrs. Norris (no, not Filch's cat*). Hovering right over Huckabee's shoulders, the couple kept laughing and flashing their blue-white chompers. At one point, Mrs. Norris all but swooned and I could lip-read "That's SO true," in response to whatever the candidate was going on about.

Here's some popcultural food for thought: Huckabee's popularity surged when Chuck Norris first appeared in his campaign ads. And why is that cool? Since when is Chuck Norris not just the star of a lame action series and the hocker of the Total Gym? Since Chuck Norris Facts began circulating on the internet in 2005. Behold the power of ironic humor and mass emails. A series of absurd jokes about a faded action star have officially impacted American politics. Hopefully this won't be as bad as when Will Ferrell's George W. Bush impression made the future president seem loveably benign.

*Nerd alert!

Pilot vs. Pilot

Dirty Sexy Money is one of my favorite new shows, but I kept hearing about the original pilot, which features a long lost daughter with a major vendetta against the Darlings. That storyline, I was told, was the best thing about the pilot. So how could ABC have lost it and still maintained a show that I think is pretty freaking fantastic? I was curious and this weekend my friend Q was kind enough to lend me the original. Maybe it's because I saw the new version first and know where its mysteries lead, but I wasn't that taken with the original pilot. Nick is shifty, Juliet is a punchline and Tish is a borderline sociopath. Below are two versions of the same scene to give you an idea.

Original Pilot:

Aired Pilot:

See? I don't think I could have endured an entire season of that first family. They're so hard and... dead inside. Meanwhile, Darlings 2.0 are more buoyant and lifelike. In the current incarnation, I love Tish. Watching her quietly mourn the love of her life under her husband's nose is heartbreaking. The same emotions in the original pilot seem to signal that she's off her meds. And it's those meds that probably keep her from beating her family to death. Seriously, Tish 1.0 haaaates Juliet.

As far as the long lost daughter goes, I'm glad she was replaced by the mysterious Simon Elder as the president of the He Man Tripp Darling Haters Club. Getting dumped in Syberia and watching your parents die is a way better reason to want revenge than getting dropped off on the steps of an orphanage with a priceless bauble from your teenage mother.

In light of the strike and ongoing tension between writers and the networks and studios that employ them, I think the evolution of Dirty Sexy Money is a great example of what happens when those two entities work well together. Craig Wright created a wonderful show with bright, engaging characters, but I'm guessing network notes led to the stronger, better version. So lets all hope for a Christmas miracle in which everyone at the negotiating table takes a cue from Tish 2.0, softening the edges and cutting the vitriolic hatred by half.

Why do I watch crap?

It takes a lot for me to completely give up on a TV show. And even once I declare it dead and buried, it doesn't take much more than a little stunt casting or the promise of a particularly loathed character's death (see: Hill, One Tree) to resurrect my interest. I can justify certain shows because I've been watching them for years. Degrassi's a perfect example. It was never a conventional masterpiece (though it has more than earned its place in the pantheon of pop culture) so when I start having to slog through episodes of Emma and Sean blah blah blahing when I'd rather focus on something that doesn't make me wish Spike had just gone for the abortion, I can hang tough. I know that before long Manny or Craig will show up and do something explosively stupid/entertaining and all will be right with the world.

What's mysterious (even to me) is my stubborn ability to hang on to subpar shows from the get-go. What goes on with October Road? What goes on is that people have stupid syntax that makes me want to shake the writers by the lapels and beg them to give just one of the characters a voice that's not so reminiscent of the know-it-all douche I dated freshman year. Jeez! So why do I keep watching? I don't know! To be fair, I usually watch it on the computer while doing other things, but I still freaking tune in, eager to see what new complication will befall Nick and his gang of quasi-intellectual townies.

So if October Road and Kaya (which has crashed and burned in an inferno of missed dramatic opportunities and mediocrity) are still on my viewing schedule, what is it that makes me abandon shows like Gilmore Girls and The OC? Maybe it's the fact that watching a once great show's paler imitation of itself is infinitely more frustrating than laughing at the missteps and savoring the occasional victories of shows that have never shown as perfectly. It's all about expectations. And with the return of One Tree Hill nigh, I'm giddy with the prospect of our characters four years in the future (looks like Nathan's a drunk with long hair!). My expectations have never been lower.

Speechless Without Writers

Here's one of the clever videos from speechlesswithoutwriters.com, which is affiliated with United Hollywood. Fear not, I am still watching non-strike related entertainment. 30 Rock is rocking my world, Jeremy Darling is my new TV boyfriend, Friday Night Lights keeps breaking my heart in the best possible ways (Buddy and Santiago under one roof? I can barely stand how much I love and fear the possibilities) and Grey's Anatomy has worked its way back into my good graces.

Speaking of Grey's... What's with all of ABC's amnesiacs? Karev's Ava, Samantha Who?, Patrick on Men in Trees, Alexis on Ugly Betty. And last season, Desperate Housewives' sexy plumber had a case of the who-the-hell-am-I's. If you jump networks, you've got Milo Ventimiglia doing his blank slate schtick on Heroes and Joss Whedon's upcoming Dollhouse with a perpetually mind-wiped Eliza Dushku. Massive brain traumas are hella prevalent, y'all.

On Strike. Shut 'em down. Hollywood's a union town.

Makes sense to me.

Kaya: the new Instant Star

I’m not sure how Kaya, MTV’s new “scripted drama” (I love that they have to advertise that now since EVERYTHING else is a Laguna Beach spin-off), has not incited a lawsuit from the folks over at Instant Star. My guess is that MTV and The N being under the same corporate umbrella helps.

In addition to the similar premise (young girl becomes overnight rockstar), Kaya’s got an aspiring fashion designer BFF named Kat… er, Nat, an overly involved dad, an absentee mom, and a hardheaded music producer named Tommy… er, T. But it’s not like she and T have any sexual tension now that they’ve slept together.

The fact that she went ahead and had sex with the inappropriately older producer is what kind of sold me on the show. It’s like Instant Star with more grit and drugs and dead sisters talking from beyond the grave. Wait, I kind of loathe that last part. But I do like that the stakes seem astronomically higher for Kaya as she and her band yell their way through No Doubt-like tension and deal with bottom line-loving music execs in an attempt to make it beyond one hit wonder status.

I also like the flashbacks to the days when the band first got together. It’s nice to see their youthful exuberance juxtaposed with the jaded anger and resentment that came with making it big. And the music? Pretty damn catchy*. Check out the official video below. It’s been stuck in my head all day.

*Full disclosure requires me to admit that Alexz Johnson (AKA Instant Star’s Jude) is the most played artist on my iTunes playlist and that I recently purchased an import of Season 3’s soundtrack because I couldn’t wait until it was made available in the States. Please feel free to judge or commiserate as you see fit.

Moments in TV Awesome: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Unapologetically un-PC and always envelope-pushing, It's Always Sunny... is more hit than it is miss and whipping boy Charlie has slowly emerged as the consistently funniest member of the amoral gang. Even funnier than his illiteracy is his penchant for writing super kickass songs.

The Education of Jaime Sommers

It's confusing and hard to imagine, but last night was simultaneously the worst and best episode of Bionic Woman. Impressive?

The thing that made it excruciating was Jaime's "fake" British accent while undercover. It was spot on, which is logical since Michelle Ryan's British. But you know what calls attention to your sometimes-stilted American accent? Flawlessly throwing around phrases like "oi!" and "brilliant!" in your native lilt. It was unnecessary, overly inside-jokey and only made bearable by Jaime's banter with Herc from FNL.

And that's where the awesome comes in: Herc (no, I don't plan on learning his actual character name) is Bionic's Landry. He’s that adorable, kids. Also awesome was the introduction of a cute CIA love interest for Jaime. With the death of the boring botmaker, she’s due for a cute non-civilian to get her altered blood pumpin’.

I'm chalking up the unevenness of the episode to the showrunner changing of the guard and hoping for more palpable chemistry and less of the wink-wink shit.

Asshats, Rapists and Bitches: Canadian Style

It's that time of year again at Degrassi: talent show time. Interestingly, it's also time for Craig to be an ass (this time off-camera – impressive!), Ashley to be a bitch (must be a day ending in “y”) and Darcy to deal with something awful that has already befallen another character (she's followed Emma with internet predators, Manny with photo-happy Peter and now Paige with rape). My favorite Bible-thumper (sorry, Lyla) needs a break.

So Craig's post-rehab album has dropped and although he gave Jimmy a shout-out in the liner notes, Ashley's name was MIA. Makes sense (bitch cheated on him and dumped him via Ellie from across an ocean) except that she wrote one of the songs he recorded. Apparently copyright laws are different in Canada, cause Ashley martyrs that she can always make more music. At the Degrassi Talent Show. Sad. Jimmy tries to spice up her droning emo blahness with some freestyle rap (cause Jimmy raps now... please don't ask, cause I don't know) and Ashley gets a bug up her ass about being his sidekick.

Marco/Ellie/Paige’s new roomie conveniently wants Jimmy to perform at some open mic night thing he’s doing at a club. Ashley decides to throw her talentless self on the pyre of her dreams and let her better half perform alone. But when a record producer wants to hear more of Jimmy’s tracks with her as a producer, she decides to just send in her own stuff. Crippled, selfless boyfriend be damned. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I hate Ashley.

On to poor Darcy… She wasn’t in the episode, but I’m pretty sure her rapist was. That’s right, I’m throwing around rape accusations like this was Veronica Mars. Previously on Degrassi: Manny thought a Lakehurst kid named Sav was cute so she and Darcy went on a snowboarding trip to be near him and assorted other kids. Darcy and Peter (who she’s dating despite the whole convincing her to do softcore and then leaking the pics to everyone and their dog thing) get into a fight and she ends up downing a spiked drink and losing her virginity. Shanae Grimes, who recently took home the Gemini Award for Best Actress on a Youth Program, did a great job of slowly peeling back the layers of Darcy’s confusion and despair as she realized that she hadn’t made a drunken mistake with her boyfriend, but had been raped by a stranger.

This week on Degrassi: Sav was back as a possible love interest for TeenMom. It was a boring storyline, but it kept ol’ Sav on the radar. There’s no way we’re done with Darcy’s rape storyline and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that charming Sav has the same dark complexion as the hand that slipped Darcy the roofies. Unless they’re going to introduce a random new ethnic character, my guess is that the rapist is either Sav or Manny’s cute Damian and I’m way less attached to Sav.

Next week: Degrassi goes Night of the Living Dead!

The "Oh no he di'n't!" Award of the Week goes to...

Tim Riggins. For trying to use Jesus (the Son of man, not the linebacker whose Mom makes killer empanadas) to get into Lyla Garrity's pants. Though shameful, it was hilarious and almost as awkward as his speech at the football banquet.

Short Takes

In light of TV kind of blowing lately, the blog’s been a little quiet. So let's get the ball rolling...

After a lackluster pilot, Bionic Woman keeps getting better and better with Friday Night Lights headwriter Jason Katims at the helm. And I love Starbuck with her crazy eyes and sneer of a smile.

Speaking of FNL, I'm sticking by it, murder and all.

Private Practice has made me cry three times. Plus, it’s like 30% less whiney than Grey’s Anatomy.

Aliens in America is fearlessly honest and laugh-out-loud funny. It’s my favorite thing on the CW, though the only other thing I’m watching is Gossip Girl. Yes, I just admitted that.

My Name is Earl and 30 Rock are even better than last year. Sadly, a full hour of The Office is a bit too much (though this week was leaps and bounds beyond the last few episodes).

Dirty Sexy Money is full of glittery, broken characters that I adore after only a handful of episodes.

Degrassi feels like déjà vu, but it’s funny déjà vu with awesomely bad hair.

The best part of Reaper is the Devil. The worst part of Chuck is Morgan. Captain Awesome is a close second.

Pushing Daisies is too quirky/precious for its own good, but Ned's a dreamboat.

I really don’t believe Ted would include so many sex stories in the ongoing tale of How I Met Your Mother.

And I hope Kristen Bell's superpower is keeping me awake during Heroes.

My favorite new character...

Whether he's viciously talking shit about Nick's recently deceased father or gruffly ordering his illegitimate son to pretend he doesn't speak English, Brian Darling is a Grade-A asshole. A thin veneer of piety covers his shallow, paranoid soul and I absolutely love him.

Dirty Sexy Money is my favorite new show of the season and it's Brian and the other Darlings who make it sparkle. Nick's the heart, but they're the fun.

You too can dress like your 2nd favorite* attempted date rapist

Don't get me wrong: I too find myself watching TV and thinking "Wow, that's a cute top. I wonder where I can purchase something similar?" I even enjoyed how last season on the CW website, you could look up things like what brand of jeans Lorelai was sporting or who made Veronica's fun graphic thermal. But as I was watching Gossip Girl online (what? I'm all about second chances -- see "Star, Instant"), I was a little grossed out by the happy little box that popped up to tell me where I could find Serena's $500 bag or Jenny's $250 purse, which... isn't Jenny supposed to be the poor one?

TV's a business. And it's not like Gossip Girl is The Wire. I expect brand name-dropping and product placement. There's just something about a thought bubble popping up in the middle of the alleged entertainment to entice me into an online purchase. "Isn't this a great song? It's The Bravery -- buy it NOW!!!" Back in the day of The OC, networks had the decency to say "Hey, now that the show's over, these were the catchy tunes featured." We live in a world of multi-tasking and cross-promotions. Maybe the target audience of Gossip Girl is so wrapped up in their simultaneous IM convos that they don't think twice about viewing and downloading and purchasing all at once. Maybe I'm just old.

*Your favorite attempted date rapist (Dick Casablancas) wouldn't be caught dead in Chuck's nancy-boy threads.

Does this make the wannabe Angel the new Duncan or Logan the new Spike?

God help me, I really wanted to like Moonlight. Sure, a vampire PI in LA, I've seen that before. But Angel didn't have Jason Dohring in all his snarky bad boy glory. Though I was disappointed, I'll admit that the same people who love spending their Friday nights with The Ghost Whisperer will also love seeing a vampire romance the online reporter he has been "watching over" since he saved her life when she was a child. Yeah, that's what I said. He's seen her grow up and now he's ready for a piece. Like James Woods only less wrinkly.

Dohring was fine. It took a while to warm up to hearing that nasal growl come out of the mouth of a different character (especially one in suspenders). And while he brings a dark, dry sense of humor to the role, it was still a bit like watching an undead Logan smack in the middle of his bum fights stage (which, to be fair, was one of his most amusing stages).

Speaking of Veronica Mars, I did squeak with glee when we learned that the dead girl was a coed at Hearst College. But as the characters spent more time snooping around the campus to find the faux vampire killer, I kept wishing Miss Mars would show up to school the blonde reporter in the ways of undercover espionage. Cause really? It was so obviously the TA. It's always the TA; Hearst has a terrible screening process.

Moments in TV Awesome: Grey's Anatomy

You know what? I like George and Izzie. Apparently I'm the only one in the Western hemisphere -- even Shonda Rhimes is like "I never said they were destined to be a great love story" -- but I think their storyline is perfect. I care a lot more about them as a couple than I do McDreamy and Meredith, who in the season opener both needed a big dose of SHUT UP.

Izzie's nice. George is nice. They're best friends and he's married so there's a lot of drama and forbidden angst. What's not to love about that? Is it that she's too hot for him? Cause I think George is pretty adorable and aside from the whole drunkenly cheating on his wife and being in love with another woman thing, in real life, he'd be a way better catch than, say, Karev.

So I present to you a moment that I think is awesome. And yes, I'm aware that their fan name is Gizzie.