Friday Night Lights: Mud Bowl

So while watching this episode I realized that somewhere along the way Lyla became completely freaking awesome. And then I was like, "Wait. Is there anyone on this show who isn't awesome?" Short answer: yes. Long answer: Waverly. But still, pretty good record, Friday Night Lights.

I submit to you, dear reader, Evidence of Awesome, Exhibit 1,000,0003:

Riggs bangs milfs and picks up surrogate kids from school and pizza for dinner. Can anyone say, "Tim Riggins is my new dad"?

Saracen turns over $200 in mysterious (and probably sorely needed) cash and works with his quadriplegic predecessor to be the best quarterback he can be.

Jason stands up to his parents’ sleazy lawyer, coaches his able-bodied successor to state and makes time to check in with Oprah.

Tyra continues to get her act together as far as school's concerned and when some slime ball tries to rape her, she fights like hell and leaves him with some marks that will hopefully help the police identify his body once Riggins murders him.

Landry woos Tyra with the fact that he taught Tim Riggins to read in about a day and a half and is a shaken, but unflinching shoulder for her to cry on.

Smash risks alienating Waverly is order to help her. Also, he expertly handles his trash talkin' opponents.

And Lyla continues to channel her rage (smashing cars one week, shooting cans the next!) and finally tells Jason to stop whining and do something about his crappy life. She also teaches him a nice lesson about saying please when asking for water. Ass.

Well that sums things up quite nicely.

Shows that are dead to me: An Update

I made it through about half the episode online when I realized that I no longer care about a single character. And this from the girl who never gave up on Duncan Kane.

Belated Aquaman Viewing

Um, Friday Night Lights' Adrianne Palicki as a murderous siren?

Veronica Mars' coked-out Dr. Griffith as a shifty fed?

That chick from Hang Time as little AC's totally dead mama?

Fox from Passions and Lem from the freaking Shield?!

Why didn't I watch this thing sooner?

Instant Star: The Long and Winding Road

Awesome: Jude and Tommy finally get together, despite his troubled past and the fact that she's not quite legal.

Not Awesome: Tommy may or may not have seen a ghost from his aforementioned troubled past; Darius left his part-time receptionist in charge of a major record label while he was out of the country; new artist Pagan's quirky for the sake of Quirk; and we still don't really know much about Tommy's Angie, other than that she's dead and she had terrible taste in jewelry.

Questions answered: Is anyone still in school? Yes, Spiederman's working on physics homework. Why is he working on it at the studio? That went unanswered along with why did Kyle have a tape of two rodents mating in his car? And did Boyz Attack only have one damn song?

Frankly, if it hadn't been for Jude and Tommy finally kissing and not immediately regretting it, this episode would have a gotten a D in my book. And I have to give props to Tim Rozon for elevating Tommy out of the muddled character motivation the writers provided and making me really feel for a 25 year-old dude scamming on his teenaged protégé.

Next week: Tommy writes Jude a song for her birthday! And it kind of blows.

Friday Night Lights: A Top 10 List

The amount of sheer joy this show gives me is ridiculous. I grin and squeel and get sucker-punched by situations that are all too real. Honestly, if you're not watching FNL, you're missing out. NBC.com has all the episodes on their sorta sub-par media player. They're also available on itunes. And for the last time, naysayers, this show is not about football. It features football, but it's about so much more.

Top 10 Awesome Moments of Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes:

10. The awkward grand gesture that was Tyra's mother dragging her into the Father Daughter Dance to prove that she's not a sabotaging harpy.

9. Buddy’s Dr. Phil-inspired scrapbook.

8. Riggins teaching 9 year-old Beau how to fight and reminding him that eye gouging and groin kicks are totally within the limits of a school yard brawl.

7. Buddy's spot-on local car commercial.

6. The Taylor family bantering over Eric's "award-winning"/"very mediocre" chili. Extra points for being able to see just how much Tyra wished her family could hold a candle to Julie's.

5. "Appreciate your service, Sergeant Riggins."

4. Riggins getting in a 10 year-old bully’s face and threatening to punch a hole in his chest and rip out his heart if he ever bothers Beau again.

3. Lyla smashing the shit out of several cars and the front window of her dad's dealership upon learning of his habitual infidelity.

2. Beau's mom giving into the lazy charm of Riggins. “Beau can never know.” I’ll say, the minute he finds out, he’ll start in with “I can’t believe Tim Riggins is gonna be my new dad!”

1. Smash, Riggs, Matt and Street on the field, having the boy-bonding session to end all boy-bonding sessions. And ending it with a Brokeback joke and a promise of renewed friendship between Tim and Jason. Sigh.

The Black Donnellys don’t get women

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like the show’s filled with deeply complex male characters, but the women… my God.

We’ve got Jenny, the unknowing widow, who can’t seem to stop having completely regrettable sex.

And then there’s Huey’s widow, whose name I frankly don’t care to look up. Her mob boss husband just got wacked and she’s leaning hard on a young man she barely knows, but inexplicably trusts. You know who would never fall for Tommy’s shit (even with those abs)? Carmella Soprano.

And Mama Donnelly? Bitch is crazy, y’all. She thinks its ArtGirl’s fault that Sean got his face smashed open. It’s a good thing her sons aren’t man enough to tell her that it’s Kevin’s gambling debts that lost Pretty Boy the first part of his title.

My favorite part of this week’s episode was when Sampson taught us how to treat a lady: bed her and then inform her former (and I thought secret, but apparently not) lover. You know, just so everyone’s on the same page.

Why are all the major female characters widows? How did Louie's cell phone keep its charge for so long? Why am I still watching this show?

Snap Judgements, Part Deux

The Winner (Fox): I get it, I just don't think it's funny. Although I did like it when Chris Elliott starred in it and it was called Get a Life.

October Road (ABC): From the writer of Beautiful Girls, a drama about a writer coming home to face the people he turned into unflattering characters in a widely acclaimed film, er... novel. Brian Greenberg is as charming and laid-back as ever, but his world is filled with two-dimensional characters and an overly articulate possible son. But it gets extra points for making the Natalie Portman character of age and thus, legally bangable.

The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll (CW): ...*

*The sound of my brain collapsing as I realize their numbers are costing Veronica her life.

Moments in TV Awesome: Gilmore Girls

Sometimes adultery's kind of awesome.

Battlestar Galactica viewing update: Hey, it's that guy!

So I'm watching the second fantastic season of Battlestar, and I'm like "Hey, professional pyramid player dude, you're kind of cute." And then I'm struck with a sense of paralyzing humiliation when I realize who he is, and that I just called Nathan's uncle Cooper cute. Ew! He almost died in a stupid limo accident as an indirect result of having sex with a crazy high school girl.

Being on those two shows simultaneously must have been mind-blowing. One week you're shooting Battlestar, which is arguably one of the best shows in recent history. And the next you're shooting One Tree Hill, which is One Tree Hill.

Logan broke her heart, but Beaver killed her cat, assaulted her best friend and grew up to be a kiddie rapist

Now available on NBC.com is an episode of Medium entitled “The Boy Next Door.” It guest stars Jessy Schram (AKA Veronica Mars’ Hannah Griffith) as the high school incarnation of Patricia Arquette’s Allison. She’s haunted by dreams of a future case in which she is reunited with a friend from high school and eventually learns that he has raped and murdered a girl her daughter’s age.

The weird thing is, as her friend points out, HS Allison doesn’t have a pal named Steven. Enter Kyle Gallner (AKA Veronica Mars’ Cassidy “Beaver” Casablancas) as her new neighbor, Steven. Dun dun dun! He does a nice job vacillating between awkward charm and shiver-inducing creepiness as a guy just getting started on a long and winding road to being a sexual predator. And when Allison dreams inform her to pull away from Steven, he tries such classic wooing techniques as murdering her beloved cat and nearly raping her aforementioned BFF.

I’ve never watched Medium, but I can understand why my mom digs it. The ending was satisfying and fairly chilling as we saw young Allison embrace her psychic abilities and change the future for the better. I did think Future Steven was a bit of a knob for willingly giving up his DNA. Was he so desperate to save face in front of his old crush that he’d do something that stupid? Maybe.

Also, must Kyle Gallner always play the psycho? I know that after that Columbine-inspired Cold Case, the Jon-Benet-inspired episode of Bones and the Season 2 finale of Veronica that his reel must have some choice scary kid moments, but doesn’t anyone remember how cute he and Mac were? You know, before we found out he’d raped Veronica. And set up his dad for financial ruin. And murdered all those people…

Bad Darius is back!

Darius tries to sign a new client, a down-on-his-luck rock legend named Pagan Smith. But when Jamie publicly questions the idea of having his former idol play soft-seaters to an aging demographic, Darius puts him in charge of signing Pagan. He unkindly reminds Jamie that he's the only A&R Rep (junior or no) without any clients. Seems the man's good will in the wake of exploiting Patsy's death has gone out the window. Awesome!

Jamie ends up telling Pagan that if he wants to sign with someone he can trust, G Major isn't where he should be. Then he barges into Darius' office to quit. D's the voice of reason, telling Jamie that he's got a gift for connecting with musicians and asking if he's gonna let Patsy kill that too. Jamie quits anyway and calls him "baldie" on the way out. It would have been awesome if Darius just murdered him on the spot. But he didn't. And Pagan liked Jamie's refreshing honesty, so Jamie uses Pagan to leverage a new title and an office out of Darius.

In the land of people Jamie's barely speaking to: Jude has decided to organize a benefit for a Homeless Youth Shelter in memory of Patsy on what would have been her 23rd birthday (really? 23? I guess we'll just chalk it up to hard-living and move on). She's in over her head and asks Sadie to help. But by "help," she meant "do it all," and when Sadie encounters the mall manager from hell and barely loses her temper (after A LOT of bitch baiting), Jude gets pissed and accuses her sister of trying to sabotage her to make her feel better about her own crappy life.

Apparently Sadie being jealous is so two seasons ago and she doesn't have time to be treated like a doormat. She's going to be an intern. At the UN. In New York. Huh? Jude bitches to Tommy, who makes her see that Sadie's one of the only people she will always be able to count on and that she's taken her for granted (true). It's a lot like Jamie's "It's time to grow up" speech and I like that Jude has the maturity to take it to heart and apologize for her bratty behavior. Meanwhile, Sadie's been talking to Kwest and has realized she should cut her little sister a break on account of the crushing guilt of Patsy's death.

The formidable Harrison sisters work together to defeat the evil mall manager and put on the benefit. Jude pulls Sadie up on stage to thank her, tell her how much she'll miss her when she's in New York (like she'll actually go) and make her play the tambourine (Manny Santos style). Later Jamie breaks my heart a little when Jude gets all hopeful, saying she's glad he came to the benefit and that she thinks Patsy would have loved it. He gets that cold look he's been wearing a lot lately and says, "A concert in a mall? I don't know about that," before walking off. The boy seriously needs a hug. Not that he'd let anyone give him one.

In other news: Sadie and Kwest are officially in a committed relationship, Mr. Harrison can't pay his bills and is selling off old Dylan albums, I'm pretty sure no one goes to school anymore and I suspect Darius is assembling an army of squeegee kids as part of an underground drug cartel (though as of yet, I have little proof).

Next week: Tommy and Jude totally make out. In a church. Hot!

Moments in TV Awesome: The Office

Snap Judgements

It's spring and there are new shows to fall in love with and get your heart ripped out by (I'm still stinging from this whole Veronica Mars thing...).

The Riches (FX): Loved the pilot. Loved Eddie, Minnie, the kids, all of it. It's dark, twisty and perfect.

Andy Barker, PI (NBC): I was confused about what all the fuss was about. I saw the pilot last summer and was pretty disappointed. But sometimes I'm wrong, so I tuned in and quickly saw that big chunks of the old clunker were now gone and replaced with a new wife (Audrey from Ellen!) and snappier comedy. The improved pilot lives up to the hype.

Raines (NBC): Yawn.

I case you haven't heard...

...The Hollywood Reporter, Kristin at E!, and various other outlets are reporting that our sweet, snarky teen detective is all but lost forever. Sure, the official word from the CW is that no decision will be made as to the show's fate until upfronts in May, but it's most likely that IF the show returns, it will be in yet another new format.

We'll jump past Veronica's college years and she'll be working at the FBI. I somehow doubt that Wallace, Mac and Weevil can all land jobs there, or that she'll still be living with her dad. And with Chris Lowell cast in the likely Grey's Anatomy spin-off, I guess Piz is headed back to Beaverton any way.

So maybe she'll still be on/off with Logan. It seems that relationship is thing fans are most rabid about, so I don't see them getting rid of him. But I also don't see how it can remain fresh.

Rob Thomas has made the show sparkle through format shake-ups in the past, so I guess I should put more faith in Veronica's creator to somehow come through this with something that resembles the show I fell in love with. I hope it comes back better than ever and that I have to eat my words, but until then, mark me down as skeptical.

In an interesting side note, a couple of months ago there was a rumor that One Tree Hill would return next season, five years in the future. At the time I thought it was a rockin' idea, mostly because there isn't a shark big enough for that show to jump.

Dear Tommy Donnelly...

Stop looking at me with those sad puppy eyes. I'm serious. I've gotta say, I don't think you know how much hope I had for you. Do you know how many times I watched the pilot? I'll say six so you don't think I'm a weirdo, but it was probably more. And what do I get in return? A muddled, poorly plotted, glacially paced "drama" about four brothers, who frankly, I'm shocked are not dead. Does Kevin even have a fourth grade education? And Jimmy? Don't even get me started. In the pilot we're told that his life changes because he goes to rehab. But he didn't go. You know what would have been dramatic? If the second episode picked up a month or two after the pilot and we saw Jimmy trying to walk the straight and narrow while you were struggling with your new life in crime.

Instead we've got him walking around (sometimes with a limp, sometimes without) telling anyone who will listen that you and Kevin killed Huey. I realize he's a junky, but Jesus! And what's with all this Huey was a great guy BS? I'm so freaking bored with all of it. And Dokey and his ax are as tedious as the humor of Joey Ice Cream.

Damn it, Tommy! Listen to me. I sound jaded and I hate that. But what I saw as a promising spin on the Godfather for a different medium has turned out to be recycled muck. And I'm going to predict your affair with Huey's widow right now. Playing father figure to that weird kid from the Omen isn't going to assuage your guilt and it's a trite plot point, but I'm sure that's where we'll be headed next. Lame, lame, lame.

You bastard, you've made me think fondly of Studio 60. And that, my former friend, is unforgivable.

-SC

PS. Keep up the high protein diet, you look fab!

The Girls' Guide to Grieving Guys

On Instant Star we learned that boys all grieve in different and strange ways. In the wake of Patsy's death Jamie is angry, Kwest is contemplative and Spiederman can't stop making jokes.

Meanwhile Darius is trying to leverage his most cantankerous artist's self-implosion into marketing millions, making her a Gen Y Janis Joplin. Jamie is too numb to do anything but go along with a memorial that's basically a record release party, but Jude and the SME boys decide to be totally punk rock and break Patsy's urn out of G Major for a memorial of their own. We later find out Spiederman got the keycard to Darius' office from the man himself, so it was officially sanctioned punk rockitude. I'm not sure why we need to know that deep down Darius has a heart. I like it better when he's a mercurial impresario keeping everyone on their toes.

Another thing I'm not sure about: the timeline leading up to the memorials. Do they break into G Major in the middle of the afternoon? That's the only explanation for Jamie wearing the same suit when Jude asks for his help with the break-in and at the memorial. And if it was night, then what the hell was Tommy doing there? I know brooding is his 9-5 gig, but does home slice ever take a break?

The episode is rather blah, but Kristopher Turner is excellent as Jamie, all muffled rage and sadness. Nothing else rings as true as when he tells Jude he doesn't care if Patsy would have hated what Darius is doing, "Because right now? I kinda hate her." At least while everyone else is waxing poetic about her free spirit, someone close to her has the sense to be pissed that she caused her own death.

Official prediction time: Tommy seems to know a lot about the signs of addiction, no? And in the first season, he mentioned that he had a Jude/Jamie relationship with his former bestfriend. So my guess is that said BFF died in a totally tragic manner.

Next week: Looks like we're finally going to deal with Sadie's jealousy towards her sister. I hope the whole stealing thousands of dollars from Jude thing comes up, cause seriously? Uncool.

Vada v. Lemon

Look who grew out of her awkward stage! It took me until the scene where Liz fired her rival for Jason Sudeikis' affection to realize that Other Liz is a very grown up Anna Chlumsky. Weird.

The stuff with Nathan Lane as Jack's estranged brother was fairly predictable, but funny. And it was nice to see more about Jack's oddball background. All in all, a uniformly excellent episode, which is pretty standard for 30 Rock. If you're not watching because of Grey's Anatomy, check it out online at NBC.com.

Moments in TV Awesome: ER

Remember how Noah Wyle never won an Emmy or a Golden Globe for his role as golden boy John Carter? Yeah, I don't get it either.

The Black Donnellys: A Stone of the Heart + Bonus Online Episode

Art student or ultimate fighter? Seriously. Tommy's ripped. Distractingly so. But onto the plot, which was disappointing compared to the pilot. Tommy continues to clean up his brothers' messes, disposing of Louie Downtown's fetid corpse, giving the Italians back their ransom money and desperately trying to keep Jimmy in jail so he has to complete rehab. He manages to fit in a tryst with Jenny, but scrubbing Louie's blood out of the bar and seeing how deep Tommy is in, makes her reconsider their chance at a future. At least they got a hot hookup, which is more than most will they/won't they couples.

In other news, Nicky is still a scary Italian, Hughie's brother is a scary Irishman and Mama Donnelly is a scary enabler. Kevin's still Fredo and Sean's still in ICU with a messed up face. The episode did little to advance plot or character. It also got terrible ratings, so we'll see how long it can hold on. I'm hoping it's long enough to live up to the potential in the pilot.

NBC.com is offering an exclusive online episode that's allegedly too explosive for TV. In this case explosive is a synonym for bloated and pointless. Kevin beats up the witness in Jimmy's case and would be arrested if the old man didn't get immediately hit by a bus. Seriously. It was lame and predictable. Also, Sean doesn't have health insurance and the EVIL hospital is transferring him to the ward where incompetent interns nearly kill you with morphine. Mama Donnelly passive aggressively makes this Tommy's problem and he spends the episode trying to prove that Sean's got insurance through the union and failing that, bargains with a paper pusher using an airconditioning unit and the man's fingers. It's as ridiculous as it sounds. And apparently Jenny's dad hates the Donnellys. Yawn.

I'll still tune in next week. I'm nothing if not a sucker for cute bad boys.

Why I used to hate Callie...

...but now I don't.

Instant Star: Helter Skelter

Patsy's totally going to die. Everyone's favorite alienating alcoholic spent the episode alternately charming and pushing away her nearest and dearest. She walks out on her record and breaks into G Major to find and destroy her contract. At Tommy's ecouragement, Jamie tries tough love and ends up being pushed into Darius' fancy glass liquor tray. Jude bandages him up and keeps him from going after Patsy.

Unfortunately Patsy, who's older brother we learn is a heroin addict and the family's "true musician," climbs drunkenly behind the wheel of her land yacht and plows into a cement divider. The scene would have had a much greater impact (no pun intended) had we not known it was going to happen from the previews and had she not been strumming her guitar. Cause, seriously? The show's portrayal of drunken antics should be quite sobering for its teenage viewers. Seeing Patsy snark and slur in the studio was a nice demonstration that being completely blitzed is neither cute nor funny.

In Shut up, Sadie-ville: Sadie wishes Kwest had punched Tommy back at the Bar Mitzvah and Kwest is gracious enough not to tell her that he didn't get hit for saying anything about her, but rather for taking a low shot about the true owner of Tommy Q's heart. Then, the second everyone's favorite Québécois smooth-talker invites her to translate Italian at a business dinner, Sadie jumps at the chance. Portia informs Kwest, who shows up at dinner with a flower and a kiss instead of fists of fury. Let's hope she's impressed.

Next week: Patsy's in surgery and grief makes Jamie cuter.

Law & Order: Crap-inal Intent

Generally I prefer the Chris Noth episodes of CI, though this offshoot of Dick Wolf's brain is still inferior to the original (and of course, SVU). We didn't see much of the criminals on their own, so it felt less like a specifically CI case and more like a lame episode of original recipe L&O.

A former teen sitcom star (we'll call him Screech) is murdered by the Albanian mob. His narcisistic "best friend" (will call him Mark-Paul Gosselaar) is involved. So's a hooker. All in all, it inspired little more than a yawn. But here's the big WTF?: the major clue to the murder is that Screech was selling mint DVDs of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I find that pretty damn amazing since the movie hasn't been shot yet. This gaff made me wonder if the writers were not just lazy storytellers, but also drunk shut-ins who live under some sort of rock.

Friday Night Lights: Extended Families

The Subletter put it best when he said that Friday Night Lights is not only one of the best dramas on TV, it's also turning into one of the best comedies. Buddy Garrity crashing with the Taylor Clan? I felt like Jason Street laughing at drunk Lyla, only to realize her heart is breaking. And then Buddy has to get in the last word and leave us with the image of his head on a spike in his front yard like one of the town's ubiquitous letterman signs.

And Tim Riggins playing hungover male role model to a chatterbox kid? It's only a matter of time before Bo's bespectacled single mom makes Riggs her boy toy and fulfills the not-so-secret fantasies of nearly all my female friends.

Speaking of mugging down, Waverly's suddenly very sexually aggressive. Smash ain't complainin', but her dad's worried and asks Brian to notify him of any changes in her behavior. Like reciting poetry at full volume at the Alamo Freeze or sneaking into Smash's room to entice him to skinny dip? Nah, Smash says she's been normal. Right up until she calls him to come babysit while her dad's at church and instead of a sex bomb, he finds a scared little girl off her meds and crying on the kitchen floor.