Daisy of Awesome

Recently I've been lured into the summer trap of reality TV. I'm actually tivoing The Bachelorette (Yay - drunk crazy-eyed Dave is finally gone!) and I'm addicted to its superfun white trash cousin Daisy of Love. Daisy was on the one season of Rock of Love that I watched so I'm more familiar with her than Bachelorette Jillian, who is apparently famous for judging men based on their hotdog toppings. And being Canadian. Daisy wasn't my favorite of Brett Michaels' ladies, but she's actually quite charming on her own show.

Her soundbites are a little canned, but she's funnier and more savvy that you'd expect. It's easy to take the bleached hair and the big boobs at face value, but she’s not dumb. She immediately booted the three ridiculous Swedish triplets for being inscrutable fame whores. And while she kept douchey Fox around far too long, she fully admitted that while he made no damn sense when he opened his mouth, he was fun to make out with.

No dating show would be complete without a man to guide our unlucky-in-love ladies through the process. Chris Harrison is there to prompt Jillian with such banalities as "You thought you could be falling in love with him." Riki is way more to the point. He mocks the guys and is vocal about his disapproval. Frankly part of me hopes for some last episode surprise with Daisy turning to him and saying "Riki, will you accept this chain and be my rockstar?" But she'll probably end up with 12 Pack. I mean "Dave."

I may be a 13 year-old boy...

But does anyone else think Survivor China sounds like "survive vagina?" Brings new meaning to Outwit Outplay Outlast...

Viva Las Boring

On paper this was a fantastic idea: get the Real World cast that brought reality TV skankdom to new and frightening heights during their tenure on MTV. Toss their horny asses back into that swank pad at the Palms. Add copious amounts of booze. Sit back and wait for the inevitable three-way in the hot tub.

In reality, forcing people back into the position they were in five years ago is not an easy feat. Alton and Irulan aren't a couple of flirty strangers meeting for the first time; they're a former couple whose three year romance is over. Arissa is estranged from her former roommates and has a huge chip on her shoulder. Former wild child Brynn is now a mom of two. Trishelle has blonde hair. Yawn. Only Frank and Steven seem the same, which is a shame since they seem forgettable and functionally retarded, respectively.

If the first episode is any indicator, the drama of strangers getting wildly drunk and making asses of themselves is a lot more fun that that of old friends getting drunk and screaming about the past, which is actually just kind of sad.

Snap Judgements, Part Deux

The Winner (Fox): I get it, I just don't think it's funny. Although I did like it when Chris Elliott starred in it and it was called Get a Life.

October Road (ABC): From the writer of Beautiful Girls, a drama about a writer coming home to face the people he turned into unflattering characters in a widely acclaimed film, er... novel. Brian Greenberg is as charming and laid-back as ever, but his world is filled with two-dimensional characters and an overly articulate possible son. But it gets extra points for making the Natalie Portman character of age and thus, legally bangable.

The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll (CW): ...*

*The sound of my brain collapsing as I realize their numbers are costing Veronica her life.

It Tastes Like Betrayal

Check out those Team Tiger Awesome boys on the Maury Show. With New York (as in "I Love New York" New York).For more vids that are darn tootin' gonna tickle your funny bone, head on over to www.teamtigerawesome.com

Breaking News: American Idol is mean!

I hope you're sitting down, 'cause it turns out that American Idol (that show you've been hearing so much about, but probably never got around to watching) shows footage of bad singers and the judges actually make fun of them. I know! This must have just started because I don't ever remember seeing any obviously mentally challenged or socially retarded dreamers getting crushed under Simon's boot before this very season.

American Idol is a cultural phenomenon. Mixed in with getting to see Kelly, Fantasia, Carrie (and those much less interesting guys) realize their wildest dreams, is the sick pleasure of watching others fall. It sucks that people are mocked on national TV and that we, the public, tune in like Pavlov's dogs, hoping to see something as hilarious as an autistic kid getting called fat or a Special Olympian being told he's a talentless bush baby. It's entertainment fashioned out of shattered dreams.

So go ahead, America, pretend you’re upset that Simon crossed some unseen line or that you didn’t howl with vicious laughter at any of those achingly pathetic contestants (counting your lucky stars that at least you aren’t them). But don’t pretend that the show is now anything other than what it’s always been or that you tuned in because you just love the music.

I Love New York's Mom

VH1 is stretching the definition of CelebReality with The Bachelorette to Flavor of Love's The Bachelor. After being TWICE burned by Flavor Flav, Tiffany AKA New York is back on TV, looking for her prince charming. And the folks at VH1 have rounded up quite a group for her to choose from.

It's a mixed bag of TV-hungry weirdos, marginally employed "musicians," probable gays and maybe (just maybe) one dude with higher than a fourth grade education who watched Flavor of Love and said, "You know what? She's a crazy bitch, but I want her to be MY crazy bitch."

One of the gentlemen even greets our girl with a "You’re putting the hurt on my penis." Another declares that she's so hot, the sight of her almost gives him "wood." Classy. Luckily New York's tough as nails and possibly insane mother (who showed up on Flavor of Love long enough to proclaim that Flav was a loser) is around to put the suitors through her finely tuned BS detector. My favorite moments included her asking various men if they were gay and/or had ever had a sexual experience with a man. Some of them were totally lying when they said no.

Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska

So I loved this amazing show when Fox originally aired it. Any show that purports to be empowering to women while making them compete for men's affection in order to increase their dowries, is my idea of entertainment. I also loved that the women weren't cookie cutter actress/models trying to win over Andrew Firestone, but moderately attractive women just desperate enough to come to Alaska in the hopes of loggers, snowboarders and other dudes with really questionable job descriptions (side note: Does anyone remember the Cheaters that featured a cuckolded "stockbroker" who was clearly a crystal meth dealer? That guy was awesome).

This weekend was at least the third time I've caught bits of Bachelorettes in Alaska marathons on Fox's all reality network. Luckily I didn't stumble upon it earlier or I'd have spent the whole day on the couch. I turned it on just in time for the horrific final scenes in which the women trek across the frozen tundra in ridiculous wedding dresses (complete with capes and white fur muffs) to wait for a float plane to land. Each woman's Man on Ice will either emerge from the aircraft to invite her to live in Alaska as the wife of a man who can skip a month of work to be on a reality show or...the plane will be empty and they'll go home losers.

The best part of the marathon is that the producers and some of the participants are on hand to tell us what went down afterwards. Like the redhead chick moved to Alaska to be with Kristian, but it didn't work out and she moved back. And the bitchy one who clearly lied about her age was also a bitch in real life, going so far as to dump red wine on one of the other girls when she got too much attention at an off-camera dinner. Awesome! Also, even though Bastard Tim #1 showed up in the plane to ask for another chance with Cecile (after unceremoniously dumping her several episodes before, leaving her with Crazy Tim #2), they're relationship didn't last. Sadly, Brent and Cissie, who seemed to be made for one another in a creepy Ken and Barbie kind of way, didn't last either. Turns out the producers pushed him hard to make the proposal (which you could kind of guess by the chagrined look on his face when it came time to make it) and after Cissie moved to Alaska, it ended. She spent all her time taking care of his kids while he was out with his ex-wife. Ain't that some shit? Fox Reality has made me feel bad for Cissie, four years after Brent broke her heart...