Pontius Pilot: Community

THE GOOD: Joel McHale on primetime! Joel McHale on primetime! After supremely mixed feelings about his appearance on the defunct pilot for the US take on "The IT Crowd" (how could a virtual line-by-line remake be so unfunny?), I am now free to bask in the possibility of enjoying the hysterical host of "Talk Soup" on a show that doesn't feature a regular segment about what crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

The show also features an excellent ensemble comprised of Chevy Chase, a hot blonde, a hot (but uptight) brunette, a sassy black lady, a kid with Aspergers (he's my favorite), that British dude from "The Daily Show" and a young jock dude who used to write for "30 Rock" (he's my second favorite). Oh and Ken Jeong.

THE BAD: The airwaves (and my American Airlines flight from TX last week) have been saturated with ads for the show. In addition to getting lots of people to tune in, it also gave away most of the jokes. I think that's why a lot of the pacing felt a little flat to me; I knew exactly where we were going. That's not to say I didn't laugh really hard at everything out of Abed's mouth.

THE VERDICT: It'll get better. The "30 Rock" pilot wasn't as good and now it's the most hilarious thing on TV.*

*Not including the crazy ass shit Tyra's talking about this week.

Pontius Pilot: The Vampire Diaries

THE GOOD: With Dawson's Creek and Hidden Palms (forgot about that one, didn't you?), Kevin Williamson made the mistake of giving us just a handful of central characters. That makes for very tight, very frustrating little love triangles. With The Vampire Diaries, we've got a plethora of characters: Elena, her two friends (witchy Bonnie and needy...blonde girl), her two vampire love interests (broody Stefan and delightfully evil Damon), her self-medicating brother (and his former hook-up), her ex-boyfriend (Hey, don't I know you from Friday Night Lights?) and his kinda date-rapey best friend. Plus two adults that no one really cares about.

There's already a lot of interpersonal drama and that's BEFORE Damon showed up to start killing off locals (Jesse from Degrassi, we'll miss you) and torture his brother. Speaking of Degrassi (and you know I love to), TeenMom is actually good as Elena. She could easily be a mopey and pensive (and she is a little, I mean, her parents did just die), but TeenMom finds a way to elevate her, making her likable and tough. She won't crumble when her world is ripped wide open (and if Damon's half the vampire I think he is, he will rip that shit WIDE open), she'll rip a bottle out of her brother's hand, cracks it on a table and fight the hell back.

THE BAD: Stefan looks really old. I get that he's been hanging out since the mid 19th century, but really? When Elena ran into him outside the men's bathroom, I half expected her to be like "Oh I think you're looking for the teacher's lounge." I (kind of) get why the Cullens in Twilight hide out in high school; they were all under 20 when they died. But Stefan seems like he was older, right? Or maybe he just looks like it.

Also potentially lame is the whole Civil War thing they're doing. Apparently in the books, the brothers became vamps in Renaissance Italy. The TV adaptation has them being changed in Elena's hometown, Mystic Falls, during the Civil War. You know, the war that pitted brother against brother? Symbolism! This could go a couple of different ways, it could be kind of interesting and murky or it could be totally black-and-white and lame all over.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass. Only to be watched while on the elliptical. Or eating a tub of ice cream.

Pontius Pilot: Melrose Place

THE GOOD: I didn't hate Katie Cassidy on Supernatural, but I also didn't mind when she was replaced with that chick from Wildfire. So let's just say I wasn't expecting to fall in love with her as Melrose Place's token bitch. And yet I totally did. I wasn't a fan of first Melrose incarnation so I don't know if Heather Locklear's Amanda had a heart under all that hairspray and menace, but Cassidy's Ella does and it beats only for Noah, her goofy filmmaker buddy. He's newly engaged to Riley, a sweet teacher who doesn't quite believe in him as much as his fierce publicist/manager/agent. I think the reason I love Noah and Ella the most is that they're the most fully formed characters; I know real life versions of them.

There are other promising characters. Auggie the chef is nice and brooding and though he seemed to love dead Sydney the most, he was also the one burning bloody clothes before we cut to credits. Struggling young doctor Lauren is starting down the slippery slope to whoredom, which is good since she has such an awesome bedside manner. And Michael's son David seems fun, even if he is an art thief, which is a little bit hilarious.

THE BAD: Oh Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Maybe she'll be better after the pilot. Her character is the shoe-horned in new neighbor that finds dead Sydney in the pool. She then has an awkward Backstory Betty convo with Auggie about his sobriety and very oddly encourages Lauren to be a hooker. She basically comes off as a huge creep. And not in an "Ooh I wonder what her secret is" way, but like a "Please get killed off soon" way.

While I like Veronica Marsiness of the murder mystery, Sydney Andrews is no Lilly Kane. So far, she's just a pathetic cougar of a landlord who populated her old stomping grounds with a new generation of hotties in hopes of reliving her glory days. Though it showed foresight to rent to another crazy redhead before shuffling off the mortal coil.

THE VERDICT: DVR Season Pass.

Moments in TV Awesome: Teacup Humans

There's a reason people fall for the Spikes and Erics of vampire TV. Sure, the appeal of a vampire love story is that this untameable, beautiful brooder (they're always brooders) can actually be tamed by love. That makes Angel and Edward and certainly Mr. Bill Compton very appealing. They're dark monsters transformed into... whipped puppies. And don't get me wrong, that's well and good for a while. But such self-denying devotion gets boring but quick.

Cue a character with all the sexy, dangerous charm and none of the neutered self-loathing. These characters embrace life, even if they're not really alive.

Two minutes in, see Eric discuss children in a way that would give Bill the vapors.

My workout playlist

A lot of people love to listen to music to get into their workout, but the thing that most takes me out of my head is some good TV. Now I can't just watch anything. Nothing too boring -- I love "What Not to Wear," but it is clearly designed to be watched while reading a magazine or talking on the phone. And trying to concentrate on "Battlestar" or "The Wire" while keeping my heart rate up is just impossible. Shows like that deserve greater attention.

There are three types of shows that have that perfect blend of interesting and easy. I don't think so hard that I forget I'm supposed to be working out and I'm not so bored that I find myself flipping channels and slowing my pace to read show descriptions.

LADIES WITH SUPERNATURAL PROBLEMS:
Right now, that means "Drop Dead Diva." It's a charming show about an aspiring model who is killed in an accident only to discover that it's not her time and be put back in the body of a similarly deceased plus size attorney. Who happens to work at the model's fiance's firm. And the only people who know her secret are her sweet, supportive BFF and her guardian angel Fred. Shut up. It's a good show. Last night it actually made me tear up and slow down. And Elliot Gould was a guest star. What, you think you're too good for Elliot Gould? Pish.

Another alternative in this genre is "Being Erica," which I LOVED. It's a Canadian import that got its American debut on... Oxygen? Lifetime? Soapnet? I can't remember, but it's awesome. Erica is a thirty something screw up with tons of regrets about the past and she's given the opportunity to fix these regrets by going back to certain days in her past and doing them over. Things work out pretty well until she impulsively stops her brother from dying and totally effs up the future. The show just got ten Gemini nominations and the second season should be coming soon.

DVD workout options: "Wonderfalls" and "Dead Like Me"

QUIRKY CRIME SOLVERS:
"Psych" is enjoyable, but that's because of the likability and chemistry of the cast, not because of it's intricate plotting. That's why it's perfect for a workout. I enjoy the banter and the loose silliness without dwelling on the weird coincidences that follow Shawn and Gus around like a thick, affable fog. Other quirky crime solvers I like to get sweaty with: Richard Castle of "Castle" and Sheriff Carter from "Eureka," though he's less quirky and more the straight man in the town that quirk built.

TEEN SHOWS:
It's no secret that I love teen shows. I can't help it. And ABC Family Channel (minus that unwatchable "Secret Life" dreck) is fantastic. "Make It or Break It" is like "Stick It" meets "One Tree Hill." It's about a squad of Olympic hopeful gymnasts and their families. And since the athletes in questions are teen girls, there's lots of drama, though if I'm being honest, the viciousness has gone downhill since bitchy Lauren rigged a vault, causing an accident that could have paralyzed underdog Emily. But there's still catfighting and boyfriend-stealing and lots of flippy gymnastics moves. What's not to love?

Also on ABC Family, "Greek" is returning in September. When last we saw the denizens of CRU, Cappie and Casey were on the verge of finally getting it together and admitting their love, Evan was less evil than he'd been all season, Rusty still hadn't scared off his girlfriend and Dale being pressured into premarital relations by a full-on cougar. Also, Jesse McCartney seemed to have disappeared and no one missed him at all. If you haven't given this show a chance, you really should. Whether you were Greek or not, it's a nice look back at college and with it's racially diverse cast and frank depiction of gay and lesbian relationships, it's actually pretty progressive.

Merlin's (lack of) beard!

So I never really got into the new Robin Hood that BBC America and my misguided brother kept trying to shove down my throat, but one night when I was without basic cable, I found myself falling for the charms of another BBC take on a legend before the legend, Merlin.

The show follows a young Merlin upon his arrival to Camelot, which is ruled by Uther Pendragon (or as I think of him, King Ripper). Magic has been outlawed by Prince Arthur's father, so it's a dangerous place for the young warlock, who becomes Arthur's manservant and gradual friend (they're totes the Seth and Ryan of Camelot).

The show is a little loose with the traditional story. Instead of being Arthur's sister, Morgana is his father's ward. And apparently Mordred is not their son because he has already made an appearance as a little druid boy to whom Morgana becomes dangerously attached. Oh and Guinevere, who has always been the most annoying character in Camelot's mythos, is now Gwen, Morgana's sweet, socially-awkward hand maiden.

The chemistry between the younger cast members is great and it's fun to see Anthony Head playing a stubborn bastard like Uther. NBC may be done airing the season, but Hulu still has many episodes available, including one with the creation of Excalibur. You know, if you're a dork and care about that kind of thing.

Medical Waste

Thanks to Nurse Jackie and her fellow summer medical shows I have learned that doctors are stupid and will no doubt kill you given half the chance. Your only hope is a medical maverick. It's lucky that this summer is chock full of 'em!

I was excited about Edie Falco's return to TV. She's a fantastic actress and Nurse Jackie doesn't disappoint on that front. Falco's title character is frank and well worn. Even with what feels like a clichéd drug problem (so far it really seems like a problem-ish), she's real person bitchy, not House-level anti-social. She's likable, maybe even lovable, but I have no desire to become a regular viewer. For all its critical acclaim, the show's really nothing special. There's a stable full of stock characters - sassy gay nurse (though I do love Haaz Sleiman), overly emotional young nurse and lazily incompetent doctor (a wasted Peter Facinelli). The episode ended with a Mad Man-style reveal that pharmacist-screwing Jackie has a sweet husband and two little girls. Shock me, shock me, shock me with your predictable twist ending.

Speaking of sassy gay nurses (oh my bad, Ray's apparently a straight male nurse with no game), overly emotional young nurses ("Will I cry everyday?"), lazily incompetent doctors and the rule-bending bad-ass nurse who is better than them all... Jada Pinkett Smith is bringing her unique brand of intensity to TNT with HawthoRNe. Like Jackie, she's got one sane doctor with whom she can commiserate (hers is played by Michael Vartan!), but unlike her pill-snorting counterpart, she also has an angry teenage daughter, an angry mother-in-law and a dead husband. Thank God when she talks to that urn, it doesn't talk back.

HawthoRNe is benign. Our main character is smarter than everyone and we're never allowed to forget it. This makes for boring (and a weirdly preachy) entertainment. Also boring? Hawthorne's BFF having a deep, dark secret that is quickly revealed to be a prosthetic leg that her would-be beau is ambivalent about. No more damaged goods moping - the cute paramedic doesn't mind dating a hot amputee! Snooze. And I don't buy everyone being okay with one of the nurses doling out handjobs to returning war heroes.

You know what else I don't buy? Dr. Hank Lawson being fired for "letting" a rich friend of the hospital die while saving a more critical patient. I guess that's because the system is broken, man. Hank cares about patients, okay? So if you don't, you better go straight to hell. I now regret calling HawthoRNe preachy because Ms. Pinkett-Smith ain't got nothing on Mark Feuerstein's haughty Dr. Lawson. That's right, I said "haughty." After being blacklisted by the medical elite and dumped by his faintly sketched fiancé, he goes to the Hamptons with his brother and ends up saving a bunch of people (MacGyver-style, which is cool the first time, convenient the second time and laughable every time after that) and becoming a concierge doctor. This could be really fun lifestyle porn, but instead it turns into Hank's soapbox. We get to listen to him sound off on hospital bureaucracy, bad parenting and other crap you really don't care about.

Daisy of Awesome

Recently I've been lured into the summer trap of reality TV. I'm actually tivoing The Bachelorette (Yay - drunk crazy-eyed Dave is finally gone!) and I'm addicted to its superfun white trash cousin Daisy of Love. Daisy was on the one season of Rock of Love that I watched so I'm more familiar with her than Bachelorette Jillian, who is apparently famous for judging men based on their hotdog toppings. And being Canadian. Daisy wasn't my favorite of Brett Michaels' ladies, but she's actually quite charming on her own show.

Her soundbites are a little canned, but she's funnier and more savvy that you'd expect. It's easy to take the bleached hair and the big boobs at face value, but she’s not dumb. She immediately booted the three ridiculous Swedish triplets for being inscrutable fame whores. And while she kept douchey Fox around far too long, she fully admitted that while he made no damn sense when he opened his mouth, he was fun to make out with.

No dating show would be complete without a man to guide our unlucky-in-love ladies through the process. Chris Harrison is there to prompt Jillian with such banalities as "You thought you could be falling in love with him." Riki is way more to the point. He mocks the guys and is vocal about his disapproval. Frankly part of me hopes for some last episode surprise with Daisy turning to him and saying "Riki, will you accept this chain and be my rockstar?" But she'll probably end up with 12 Pack. I mean "Dave."

9021Oh that kind of sucked...

I tried, I really did. And I wanted so badly to like this. Darcy and Michael? Love them. Lucille Bluth? Hilarious. But good Lord. It was just so bland and inexplicably impressed with itself. "Check it out! Cory Kennedy and the Cobra Snake!" "And then it turns out that Annie's dinner date is in San Francisco! And they're taking a jet! And she's not telling mom!" Speaking of Mom, check out the bad parenting on Lori Loughlin. She's going to be late at work (as a fashion photographer like three minutes after arriving in town with a resume that included shooting weddings) so she tells Annie (Darcy) to pick up Grandma's computer. Annie forgets so it's ALL HER FAULT that Grandma then drives drunk and gets into a minor accident. Got that? It's all on Annie, not the adult who got being the wheel snockered.

And speaking of bad parents, secretly smart popular girl... uh... I don't feel like looking her name up. So we'll go with Blondie. Well her parents think she's stupid and don't want her to have to do work at school when she has a super important birthday party coming up. Also, her mom and Annie's dad have a secret son that was given up for adoption, but the drama from that revelation was totally drained when Loughlin found out (off screen) and was pretty much fine with it.

Then there's Silver, Kelly Taylor's little half sis, whose mom fell off the wagon and divorced Silver's dad after finding out from Blondie (apparently) that he was a big ol' cheater. That's why Silver hates her former BFF, with whom she shares a lameass back tat that is some sort of Asian symbol for friendship. And since theirs was over in eighth grade, I guess that means that Beverly Hills kids are so damn cool that they're getting inked in junior high.

In addition to Kelly, Brenda and the Peach Pit (where Nat totally ignored Blondie and Evil Lacrosse Dude getting drunk and mugging down), this new version has clung to the original show's generous use of platitudes and life lessons. Lying is bad and trust is really important. Also, you shouldn't jump to crazy conclusions about people and diss them on your vlog because maybe they’ll turn out to be your new BFF. And if you’re cheating on your girlfriend, it’s because there’s something emotionally lacking in your relationship, not because you’re a 16-year-old who can’t say no to a parking lot beej.

Oh 90210, our fling was brief, but to paraphrase sensitive jock Ethan, I'm not breaking up with you, I'm breaking up with us.

One Tree Hill and the Bechdel Rule

NPR just had a story about TV and the Bechdel Rule, based on a 1985 comic by Alison Bechdel in which one character only sees movies that 1) feature at least two women 2) who talk to one another about 3) something other than men. The story pointed out that often "female-driven" shows like "Grey's Anatomy" don't really pass Bechdel's test. Even when talking medicine, the young docs are usually just speaking in metaphor about their dysfunctional romantic entanglements.

The rule doesn't say the characters can never talk about men. They gave ABC Family's fantastic new show "The Middleman" a shout out for being Bechdel-friendly, and Dub Dub and Lacy talk about their romantic relationships. It's just that they also talk about art and music and stuff other than who's the McDreamiest.

Now would you be surprised if I told you that “One Tree Hill” also featured such independent-minded ladies? No? Is this because my twisted love for the show makes you past being surprised by my mercurial changes of opinion? Fine. But it's true.

Though this season began with a completely man-centric plot -- with whom will Lucas (allegedly) spend the rest of his life?* -- the Bechdel rule holds up. Peyton and Haley do talk a lot about the aforementioned brooder, but the young record label exec and singer/songwriter also talk a lot about music and friendship. Fashion designer Brooke talks mostly business with her evil mother or her adorable assistant Millie. And last season when she decided she wanted to be a mother, romance never entered the equation. It was all about adoption and her readiness to parent, not her readiness to find Mr. Right.

Oh and just in case you're worried that the grown-up Tree Hill is boring, it should be noted that Brooke was attacked while closing up her store (you just know BadMom's behind it because Brooke was going to wrest away control of Clothes Over Bro’s) and she's totally going to buy a gun and go all Jodie Foster in The Brave One. Also? Crazy ass Nanny Carrie is back. Except instead of playing Hand that Rocks the Cradle with the Naley fam, she's playing Misery with everyone's favorite fratricidal Grandpa Dan. She burned him with a hot fork, y'all.

Here's a link to the NPR story: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94202522&ft=1&f=1008

*He totally picked Peyton and I totally squealed because it turns out that I kind of love her. And I feel bad about calling her plywood. She was a little stiff in season one, but the actress has really grown. Seriously. One of the best criers on TV.

Canadian imports straight from The N

So after months of not writing about things like Marco almost becoming a hooker (almost), Bones being my new favorite show ever (thanks, Hulu), Cally shuffling off Battlestar's mortal coil (yay!) and David Cook maybe being my new rocker boyfriend (shut up), I can no longer be silent. Sound dramatic? Yeah, that's what the Chef thought when I breathlessly told her about Degrassi's Darcy landing on the new 90210 (originally written by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas!). She was like "You realize you're not actually friends with Darcy, right?" Like I would be friends with Darcy after she accused Snake of bad touching. Oh who am I kidding? If Paige can forgive new roomie for not disclosing his HIV status before knocking boots, I can forgive ol' Darce.

But Darcy's new zipcode isn't the end of the good news. If you haven't been living under a rock, then you know Lucille Bluth is playing the faded star alcoholic grandma, but you may not realize that Tristan Wilds AKA Michael from The Wire is playing Darcy's brother. Did you ever think Degrassi and The Wire would collide anywhere except my brain? Me neither!

Speaking of unexpected things, remember The Best Years? No? Consider yourself lucky. My memory is not as spotlessly forgiving. So, it looks like Devon (Brandon Jay McLaren) will be skipping anger management in order to appear on CBS's mysterious Harper's Island. I don't know if he's a series regular, but it looks like a show with a body count and I wouldn't mind watching Devon get snuffed.

Also from The Best Years is Ashley Newbrough (ooky Sloane) on How to Survive the Filthy Rich. That's her in the yellow. I found her fairly underwhelming on her old show so I'll be interested to see if she can hold her own opposite Bionic Woman's spunky little sis Lucy Hale (also pictured). And since it's a new CW show, she'll also get to share the screen with Cliff/Zach/Grant from Hidden Palms/The OC/Smallville. Warner Brothers really is just dying to make Michael Cassidy a star (in someone's eyes other than the Former Subletter).

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…

I like Cashmere Mafia. There. I said it. Point, jeer, get all Project Runwayish and question my taste level. I can’t help it. Yes, Caitlin’s the worst lesbian in the history of ever and no, I don’t buy that Alicia would let her off the hook for sleeping with a dude. And Juliet? I’m fully aware that she’s a porcelain robot trying to understand these foreign things called “emotions.” But I kind of love her for warming her frostiness up to a comfy 72 degrees around her unhappy teenage daughter. Sure, Lucy Liu prances around like she’s going as Carrie Bradshaw for Halloween, but she’s just as gay for Jamie as Frank and Liz Lemon. How can I hate a show that took 30 Rock’s used cougar bait and gave him a job as a manny? I can’t. And I can’t begrudge Zoe the scared glint she gets around her suddenly tangible work husband. Because it’s Max Medina. And she probably never got over Lorelai Gilmore dumping him either. What’s more, I buy their friendships. Even if the rest of their candy coated existence is beautifully foreign to me, I understand the bond between our four supergirl careerists.

That’s something I can’t yet say for Lipstick Jungle. That’s right; no Cashmere Mafia discussion would be complete without a little Lipstick Jungle pontification. Lipstick hasn’t had as long as Cashmere to reel me in, but so far I don’t understand how these women became friends. And while Cashmere is pure gloss, Lipstick looks almost Friday Night Lights-realistic in comparison. I mean, Nico has a piece of exercise equipment in her bedroom. Everyone on Cashmere Mafia appears to have been granted killer bods by the perfection fairy. Normally I would praise such realism, but let’s be honest; these shows are not a reflection of true life. Cashmere seems to accept that it’s lifestyle porn (thank you, Tim) while Lipstick has a strange patina, like reality (or maybe just the ‘90s) trying inexplicably to push its way to the surface.

Bad Mother, shut your mouth

Bar fight-induced temporary paralysis, two new female characters with (fingers crossed) the potential to be straight-up stalkers, the fact that Haley and Nathan's son is being raised (at least partially) by Lucas and Skillz... What's not to love about the new One Tree Hill? The lack of terrifyingly bad parental role models, that's what. Daphne Zuniga has joined the cast as Brooke's emotionally abusive mother, but that's a snooze when you remember the legendary reign of Dan "I killed my brother in the middle of a school shooting cause I'm EVIL" Scott. Take a look at CMM's face. He's like "Bitch, please. I knew Dan Scott; Dan Scott is my dastardly father. And you, ma'am, are no Dan Scott." After making a brief appearance in episode two, I'm hoping Tree Hill's former mayor will somehow return to show regular status. The guy survived being poisoned and burned alive, I don't see why he can't get around this whole life in prison thing.

In keeping with this hope, here are my official predictions for the upcoming season:

1. Little Jamie's nanny turns all Cradle Will Rock on Haley and tries to steal her family. Somehow she'll drive a wedge between Hales and Nathan, but will be ultimately unsuccessful in her attempts to seduce the former sports hero, who I'd wager she's been obsessed with since high school.

2. Brooke's mother will cut her out of Clothes Over Bros. and Brooke will start over with only her homely assistant (poor girl suffers from glasses and ponytail syndrome) at her side. The local boutique will bring fashion to the masses and Brooke will finally be happy. And maybe make out with Mouth a little.

3. Dan will use a legal loop hole to get out of jail and kidnap Jamie. Lucas will save the child and in a daring struggle, push Dan into a raging waterfall. Dan will die, but come back as a ghost that hunts down all his scattered progeny.

4. Peyton and Lucas will dance around their soulmate status until I actually poke both my eyes out and run screaming down the street.

5. Skillz will be the underused black guy at the fringe of all the other storylines. He will be the only character allowed to say "Oh snap!" without irony.

Moments in TV Awesome: The Wire

I spent the weekend binging on Season One of The Wire. Mmm. Excellently executed drama. I think my favorite thing about the show is the way is sprinkles genuinely funny moments on top of all the darkness. McNulty bringing a doped-up informant to his son's soccer game, Bunk drunkenly burning his own clothes to destroy trace evidence of adultery, and this scene.

That Wee-bey. Hilarious. And scary.

One last season of love and hate...

Instant Star executive producer Steven "I'm married to the chick who created Degrassi" Stohn has announced that the upcoming season of my favorite Canadian sing-a-long show will be its last. That's him next to Tommy (in case you were wondering if Jude's dad got recast). I guess Alexz Johnson wants to get on with her recording career. I'd bitch, but last season was such a bomb that I can't blame her for getting out. And with that sassy new bob, she's really going places.

You know what's not sassy? Spiederman's overall appearance. It's pretty much skeeving me out. Seriously, a tank top? This is kind of ruining all those Spiederman tracks on the Season Three soundtrack. Just kidding. Nothing could ruin those tracks. And look at Jamie in the back trying to pretend he's not rocking a mullet. Sadder than me listening to Spied at full volume in my car? Maybe. But definitely not as sad as the fact that Karma's still on the show and partially obscuring Kwest, who is so far in the back that he might just be a cardboard cutout used when the real Kwest has better shit to do. Like visit Portia in the clink.

Oh, Tim

Of course he didn't get kicked out of Coach's house for drinking or illegally hooking up the cable box to porn or making out with Shelly (who I now kind of love being reduced to a shirt-buying dork by that fullback’s sly smile). No, in typically heartbreaking fashion, Tim Riggins had to get kicked out after protecting Julie from both tornadoes and hormonal teenage boys. He had to get turned away and disappointed by yet another father figure. I guess next stop is Buddy's halfway house for orphaned football players and super-sad divorced guys.

I know that some fans were turned off when this season flirted with sensationalism, but all that murder stuff’s over (I think) and the most dramatic stuff between Landry and Tyra this week was that she rejected him to accompany a 35 year-old rival player to the Fall Formal. The truth is Friday Night Lights still packs more sheer entertainment and emotion than any other show on TV. I laugh, sigh, cringe and get a little teary pretty much weekly. It even makes me kind of care about football. Kind of. The real reason I’m addicted is the characters. Buddy could have been a one-joke background player, but he's become the chewy center of his own compelling storyline. Former perfect mother Tami has stumbled, clinging too tightly to both Julie and Shelly and only managed to push them both away. And then there's Coach Taylor. Whether rendered wide-eyed and speechless by a chat with Buddy or enraged by the sight of his daughter is in the arms of a Riggins, he’s the dreamiest man on TV.

Strike Survival Guide

So it seems like everything is in reruns, but it's not true. There are still non-reality series left. Some are back for the first time this season (Jericho, One Tree Hill, Battlestar), some were good at stockpiling episodes (Friday Night Lights, Aliens in America, Men in Trees) and some are Canadian and therefore unaffected by the strike down south (Degrassi). Here's a list of shows, when they return or continue and how many episodes we've got left until it all goes black and we really are stuck with reruns and The Hills.

Shows I care about:

Monday, January 7: October Road (ABC) 8 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: One Tree Hill (CW) 12 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Ugly Betty (ABC) 3 episodes; Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) 3 episodes
Friday, January 11: Friday Night Lights (NBC) 5 episodes; Monk (USA) 6 episodes; Psych (USA) 6 episodes
Monday, January 14: Kyle XY (ABC Family) 10 episodes
Friday, January 18: Degrassi (The N) will finish out season seven and if you need a reason to watch, please see the pic above. That's Ellie finding her boyfriend in the throes of passion with Caitlin "I cheated on Joey with Kevin Smith" Ryan. I know!
Monday, January 21: Wildfire (ABC Family) 13 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Smallville (CW) 6 episodes; Supernatural (CW) 4 episodes; Lost (ABC) 8 episodes
Monday, February 4: Samantha Who? (ABC) 3 episodes
Sunday, February 10: Aliens in America (CW) 7 episodes
Tuesday, February 12: Jericho (CBS) 7 episodes
Wednesday, February 27: Men in Trees (ABC) 11 episodes
Thursday, February 28: Reaper (CW) 3 episodes
Monday, April 28: Bones (Fox) 4 episodes
Spring: Greek (ABC Family) 8 episodes; Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi) 11 episodes

Shows you might care about:

Sunday, January 6: The Wire (HBO) 10 episodes
Tuesday, January 8: Boston Legal (ABC) 4 episodes; Carpoolers (ABC) 7 episodes
Wednesday, January 9: Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (TBS) 49 episodes
Thursday, January 10: Big Shots (ABC) 5 episodes
Friday, January 11: Las Vegas (NBC) 7 episodes
Monday, January 14: Prison Break (Fox) 5 episodes
Tuesday, January 15: Nip/Tuck (FX) 6 episodes
Wednesday, January 16: Reno 911 (Comedy Central) 16 episodes
Spring: Robin Hood (BBC America) 13 episodes; The Shield (FX) 13 episodes; The Tudors (Showtime) 12 episodes

New Shows, some of which may suck because they were cobbled together in an effort to stockpile material (Cashmere Mafia, I'm looking at you):

Sunday, January 6: Cashmere Mafia (ABC) 7 episodes
Sunday, January 13: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox) 9 episodes
Sunday, January 20: Breaking Bad (AMC) 9 episodes
Thursday, January 31: Eli Stone (ABC) 13 episodes
Monday, February 4: Welcome to the Captain (CBS) 6 episodes
Monday, February 18: Quarterlife (NBC) 6 episodes
Tuesday, March 4: New Amsterdam (Fox) 8 episodes
Wednesday, March 12: The Return of Jezebel James (Fox) 7 episodes
Monday, April 14: Canterbury’s Law (Fox) 6 episodes

Mrs. Norris Hearts Huckabee

So I'm watching results from the Iowa Caucus (freaking reruns making me pay attention to real things) and beyond being totally weird, it's kind of fascinating. Edwards usually comes off like an insincere Baptist minister, but I was kind of into his speech. Hand me a sickle and a hammer 'cause I love the idea of universal healthcare. I'm still waiting to hear from Obama (the winner and my current choice).

I'm less informed about the Republicans. Romney's a super rich mormon and Tom Tancredo hates immigrants, that's what I know. Huckabee won and here are a few facts about him: 1. He lost a bunch of weight 2. He's BFF with Chuck Norris 3. He's got crazy eyes. Seriously. Take a look into those peepers and try not to shiver. During his victory speech, I couldn't stop staring at Chuck Norris and the fembot I assume is Mrs. Norris (no, not Filch's cat*). Hovering right over Huckabee's shoulders, the couple kept laughing and flashing their blue-white chompers. At one point, Mrs. Norris all but swooned and I could lip-read "That's SO true," in response to whatever the candidate was going on about.

Here's some popcultural food for thought: Huckabee's popularity surged when Chuck Norris first appeared in his campaign ads. And why is that cool? Since when is Chuck Norris not just the star of a lame action series and the hocker of the Total Gym? Since Chuck Norris Facts began circulating on the internet in 2005. Behold the power of ironic humor and mass emails. A series of absurd jokes about a faded action star have officially impacted American politics. Hopefully this won't be as bad as when Will Ferrell's George W. Bush impression made the future president seem loveably benign.

*Nerd alert!

Pilot vs. Pilot

Dirty Sexy Money is one of my favorite new shows, but I kept hearing about the original pilot, which features a long lost daughter with a major vendetta against the Darlings. That storyline, I was told, was the best thing about the pilot. So how could ABC have lost it and still maintained a show that I think is pretty freaking fantastic? I was curious and this weekend my friend Q was kind enough to lend me the original. Maybe it's because I saw the new version first and know where its mysteries lead, but I wasn't that taken with the original pilot. Nick is shifty, Juliet is a punchline and Tish is a borderline sociopath. Below are two versions of the same scene to give you an idea.

Original Pilot:

Aired Pilot:

See? I don't think I could have endured an entire season of that first family. They're so hard and... dead inside. Meanwhile, Darlings 2.0 are more buoyant and lifelike. In the current incarnation, I love Tish. Watching her quietly mourn the love of her life under her husband's nose is heartbreaking. The same emotions in the original pilot seem to signal that she's off her meds. And it's those meds that probably keep her from beating her family to death. Seriously, Tish 1.0 haaaates Juliet.

As far as the long lost daughter goes, I'm glad she was replaced by the mysterious Simon Elder as the president of the He Man Tripp Darling Haters Club. Getting dumped in Syberia and watching your parents die is a way better reason to want revenge than getting dropped off on the steps of an orphanage with a priceless bauble from your teenage mother.

In light of the strike and ongoing tension between writers and the networks and studios that employ them, I think the evolution of Dirty Sexy Money is a great example of what happens when those two entities work well together. Craig Wright created a wonderful show with bright, engaging characters, but I'm guessing network notes led to the stronger, better version. So lets all hope for a Christmas miracle in which everyone at the negotiating table takes a cue from Tish 2.0, softening the edges and cutting the vitriolic hatred by half.

Why do I watch crap?

It takes a lot for me to completely give up on a TV show. And even once I declare it dead and buried, it doesn't take much more than a little stunt casting or the promise of a particularly loathed character's death (see: Hill, One Tree) to resurrect my interest. I can justify certain shows because I've been watching them for years. Degrassi's a perfect example. It was never a conventional masterpiece (though it has more than earned its place in the pantheon of pop culture) so when I start having to slog through episodes of Emma and Sean blah blah blahing when I'd rather focus on something that doesn't make me wish Spike had just gone for the abortion, I can hang tough. I know that before long Manny or Craig will show up and do something explosively stupid/entertaining and all will be right with the world.

What's mysterious (even to me) is my stubborn ability to hang on to subpar shows from the get-go. What goes on with October Road? What goes on is that people have stupid syntax that makes me want to shake the writers by the lapels and beg them to give just one of the characters a voice that's not so reminiscent of the know-it-all douche I dated freshman year. Jeez! So why do I keep watching? I don't know! To be fair, I usually watch it on the computer while doing other things, but I still freaking tune in, eager to see what new complication will befall Nick and his gang of quasi-intellectual townies.

So if October Road and Kaya (which has crashed and burned in an inferno of missed dramatic opportunities and mediocrity) are still on my viewing schedule, what is it that makes me abandon shows like Gilmore Girls and The OC? Maybe it's the fact that watching a once great show's paler imitation of itself is infinitely more frustrating than laughing at the missteps and savoring the occasional victories of shows that have never shown as perfectly. It's all about expectations. And with the return of One Tree Hill nigh, I'm giddy with the prospect of our characters four years in the future (looks like Nathan's a drunk with long hair!). My expectations have never been lower.