The O(kay when I said it was dead to me, I was full of crap and we all knew it) C

All it took was one night of reruns and pre-holiday boredom to send me back into the arms of The OC. I'd heard from friends that it had vastly improved after the unfortunate season premiere and that Ryan and Taylor Townsend were actually cute together. So I decided to see for myself.

Turns out, my sources were right. Perkily Type-A Taylor is perfect for mopey Ryan. Their banter was infused with the same spark that made him and Seth such a great opposites attract match as brothers. And never fear: we've still got a screwed-up tragic beauty in Marissa's little sister Kaitlin. But instead of the writers trying to give her salvation through an equally troubled love interest, they recognize that what Kaitlin really needs is a good parent. Her scenes with Julie's new boyfriend Bullet were my favorites, mostly because they're obviously fond of one another without a hint of the sexual tension that tends to creep into adult/teen relationships on this type of show.

In the A-plot, which revolved around Summer's possible pregnancy, I didn't always buy the characters' motivations (Summer stealing the SUV because Seth's insensitive? Meh.), but it was a fun story. Originally the show's greatest strength was that it was a screwball comedy masquerading as a teen soap. This episode made me remember that. Too bad it's opposite 30 Rock, but then again, maybe it's time to upgrade my tivo.

Unaired Pilot: Heat Vision and Jack

Back in the day (you know, like 2002) if you wanted to watch an unaired pilot and you weren't a fancy Hollywood insider, then you had to rely on the perfect combination of a sticky fingered crew member and ebay. But no more! Behold, friends, the power of youtube.

In 1999 Ben Stiller directed the pilot of Heat Vision and Jack, a Six Million Dollar Man/Knight Rider spoof that starred Jack Black, as a former astronaut made super smart by accidental close contact with the surface of the sun, and Owen Wilson, as the voice of a talking motorcycle. Yeah, it's pretty damn awesome.
If Ron Silver playing Ron Silver, the actor-NASA trained killer hot on Jack's trail isn't enough to make you tune in, then how about Christine Taylor as a pouty Sheriff who rocks shorts and hot-rollered hair without even a wink of irony?

Seriously. http://youtube.com/watch?v=6lWgXDOAJ5s You won't be sorry.

Stomp the Yard: The Sorkin/Brit-brit Connection

Did you know that Columbus Short (AKA Darius, the non-threatening black emo writer on Studio 60) is currently starring in the kickass new step movie, Stomp the Yard? Yeah, I thought it was weird too, which led to the question, "Is he an actor who can dance or a dancer who can act?" A quick perusal of the internet revealed that he choreographed Britney Spears 2004 tour.

And that's when it hit me. He's this dude:

Before K-Fed, there was the OTHER back-up dancer/expectant father the paparazzi caught Britney kissing. My mind is completely blown. Rather than disappear into whatever oblivion backup dancers who make out with Britney Spears are supposed to inhabit, he's managed to land on an "important" TV show. What does this mean for K-Fed's future? What does this mean for any of us?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1551922/news
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/2-26-2004-51001.asp
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=e725a9a9-6a62-47af-8003-26756f034c11&entry=index

The funniest thing I saw on TV last week*

*Excluding Michael Scott marking his date with a sharpie so he could tell her apart from her fellow... waitress.

The Office: A Benihana Christmas

After last week's bloated episode of My Name is Earl, I was a little worried that The Office's long episode might also leave me wishing they'd stuck to the normal format. In the teaser Dwight dropped a dead goose on Pam's desk and my fears were eased. The episode, directed by Harold Ramis, was not only solid, but one of my favorites yet. Pam reached out to Karen and they banded together to knock Angela off her fascist party planning game; Andy took Michael and his "Entourage" to Benihana to forget Carol; Kevin sang You Oughtta Know and the whole office joined in. Brilliant.

The Pam/Jim storyline was very similar to when Dawn and Tim dealt with the change in their camaraderie after his promotion. I like that the US version uses threads of the UK version while still making the series their own. I could easily see David Brent canceling Christmas because of a break-up, but I never felt for Lee the way I feel for Roy as he faces his first Christmas without Pam.

Unsolicited Golden Globe Opinions

The Golden Globe nominations have been announced and now it’s time to examine the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s silly little ideas of TV excellence (Sarah Paulson? I’d laugh if I got the joke).

DRAMA
My pick of the nominees: Big Love. It’s compelling and interesting. Its exploration of family life and plural marriage is at once deeply familiar and completely foreign.

Overlooked: I love Veronica Mars, but if I have to pick one, I’d say Friday Night Lights. This show appeals to a much broader demographic than VM and the fact that it’s not appointment viewing for more people is a shame. Degrassi may have bogarted the expression, but FNL really does go there.

ACTRESS (DRAMA)
My pick: Kyra Sedgwick. I love The Closer and though the rest of the cast is uniformly excellent, I can’t take my eyes off Sedgwick.

Overlooked: Kristen Bell for Veronica Mars. Lead actresses on critically acclaimed teen shows have been recognized by the HFPA in the past (Keri Russell for Felicity, Amber Tamblyn for Joan of Arcadia), so why does KB keep getting snubbed? She’s the heart of one of the most compelling and entertaining shows on TV and she deserves some props.

ACTOR (DRAMA)
My pick: Bill Paxton. As a thoroughly modern polygamist patriarch, he manages to make me sympathize with someone I would normally find fairly abhorrent. Beyond the foreign concept of his life style, he is simply a father, husband and son stretched to the very limit.

Overlooked: Kyle Chandler for Friday Night Lights. From the accent to the demeanor, everything about the way Chandler inhabits Coach Taylor is dead on.

MUSICAL OR COMEDY
My pick: The Office. I laugh, I squirm, I tune in week after week and am rarely disappointed.

Overlooked: Old school multi-camera sitcoms aren’t dead. Seriously, just ask How I Met Your Mother. While you’re at it, ask why Desperate Housewives stole their Golden Globe nomination.

ACTRESS (COMEDY OR MUSICAL)
My pick: Mary-Louise Parker is spectacular on Weeds, but despite the show’s comedy label, she gives what I would dub a dramatic performance. That said, I would give the trophy to America Ferrera for her effervescent turn on Ugly Betty.

Overlooked: Anne Heche for Men in Trees.

ACTOR (COMEDY OR MUSICAL)
My pick: Alec Baldwin is beyond brilliant on 30 Rock. His sly turn as a corporate stiff among creative bafoons makes me thank God he's not being wasted on something higher brow like Studio 60.

Overlooked: John Krasinski for The Office. Steve Carell is great, but the most affecting performance has been Krasinski’s and after taking the reins for the Stamford portions of the show, he has graduated from supporting character to capable leading man.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
My pick: Elizabeth Perkins is black comedy gold (would that make her comedy oil?) on Weeds. She’s awesome as a thorny (and horny) cancer survivor whose family and community at large kind of hate her.

Overlooked: Ginnifer Goodwin, Chloe Sevigny and Jeanne Tripplehorn for Big Love. Without the perfect combination of spouses, Bill Paxton’s performance would be nothing.

SUPPORTING ACTOR
My pick: Justin Kirk for Weeds. Completely overlooked by the HFPA for his performance in Angels in America, it’s about time he get some recognition for being so dead-pan awesome.

Overlooked: Neil Patrick Harris for How I Met Your Mother. He’s easily my favorite part of a damn fine show and Harris has proven that his hilarious cameo in Harold and Kumar was no fluke.

You know what's cute?

TBS's new comedy series My Boys. You know what's not cute? The voice-over that insists on making every episode an extended sports metaphor.

Friday Night Lights: It's Different For Girls

Hell hath no fury like a public scorned by one of its sweethearts. The high schoolers, led by someone I’m guessing is a childhood friend of Lyla’s, continue their campaign of humiliation, making sure the once golden cheerleader knows exactly how terrible she is for cheating on Street. It’s reminiscent of the Scarlet Letter and I wish I could say it felt a little harsher than real life, but it doesn’t. After his game-saving performance last week, Riggs is off the hook and Lyla’s taking the brunt of the abuse. It’s disconcerting for me to find Buddy Garrity even close to likeable, but I love this story for bringing out the supportive father in him. The scene in which his old friend shows up at the dealership to inform him of his own daughter’s involvement in creating a vicious website dedicated to Lyla’s downfall was awkward and awful and awesome all at once. Buddy’s a lot of unflattering things, but unloving father isn’t one of them.

Over in Street’s little corner of Dillon, we see the former QB1 adjusting to life back at home. In my favorite scene he and an awkward neighbor kid race, wheelchair against bike. Street gives it his all, but doesn’t care when he’s beaten. He’s all smiles before turning serious to remind the youngster not to play in the street, that their race was a special circumstance. I could eat him with a spoon. His winning character also comes out in a meeting with the lawyer his parents have retained for a possible lawsuit against the school. When the guy tries to lead Street into blaming Coach Taylor for the accident, Jason refuses, steadfastly taking responsibility for the tackle that led to his paralyzation. Seriously, people: a spoon.

Smash is still on the juice. He’s also after the minister’s daughter, who’s been away in “Africa,” which he believes about as much as she believes he spent the church’s money on an “SAT Prep Course.” I like her, but none of this is going to end well. Though I guess we already knew that on account of the steroids and the stealing…

Julie Taylor has fully embraced her role as ruler of Matt Saracen. He follows her around like a puppy and is used as a pawn in Taylor v. Taylor & Taylor, her own personal war of independence. Poor Matt’s just trying to make everyone happy and in the process nearly shoots himself in the foot by telling Coach that he likes Julie and no one can stop him from seeing her. Bad move, kid. At least he doesn’t participate in the locker room banter about Julie’s V Chip (we called it a V Card in my day; I feel old), which Coach overhears. Taylor does a lot of fretting this episode, apparently realizing that the prospect of Julie dating is a lot different that the actuality of Julie dating. He also coins the phrase “Matt Chat,” which is Dad-speak for “Passive aggressively assigning Matt an ass load of work so he stay clear of my daughter’s V Chip.” Not to be outdone, Matt coins a new nickname for Tami: “Mrs. Coach.”

After last week’s episode, in which Riggs was almost totally silent, merely affirming that he would live after the game, our boy’s got a lot to say. Mostly he acts as a narrative device, going to see Jason to tell him that his indiscretion with Lyla did nothing to sway her love for Street and then telling Lyla that she should compete in the cheerleading competition despite being a pariah. She does, and when she looks up in the crowds and smiles in Tim’s direction, the camera reveals her eye line is directed at Jason, who after an emotional and honest talk, is maybe starting to shine some of his golden boy glow on the prospect of forgiveness.

Moments in TV Awesome: Sex and the City

Aidan and Carrie had to break-up. And that sucks because he was so cute and tall and he looked even better after his post-granola makeover. In the episode "Change of a Dress" the other shoe finally dropped. Watching it today on TBS, I realized I'd forgotten how perfectly it was handled. From the scene in the park that went quickly from romantic to heartbreaking to my favorite moment, when Carrie sneaks into the empty apartment and they spend one last night curled on the floor of the home they'll never share, it was like most good endings: suprising, but inevitable.

How the C*nt Stole Christmas

That's what they were getting at, right? I mean there's no way everyone was getting that upset about Ted calling Lily a bitch? Or maybe I'm just desensitized to cursing. Cause it doesn't seem very in character for Ted to bandy about the C word. It's certainly not very empowering. But it was funny.

One thing I love about How I Met Your Mother is that it's broad like the traditional sitcoms so many say are dead, but it also manages to tell engaging stories that are often quite small. Lily hears Ted call her something unflattering on a message left during the summer when Marshall was heartbroken over their break up. She's hurt and he's embarrassed, but refuses to apologize for trying to buoy Marshall's spirits while she was gone. It was a real situation that led to over-the-top fighting and retaliation. The conclusion was sweet, but earned and nowhere near as treacly as the holiday eps I've come to expect from traditional sitcoms.

A lovely compromise

Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska

So I loved this amazing show when Fox originally aired it. Any show that purports to be empowering to women while making them compete for men's affection in order to increase their dowries, is my idea of entertainment. I also loved that the women weren't cookie cutter actress/models trying to win over Andrew Firestone, but moderately attractive women just desperate enough to come to Alaska in the hopes of loggers, snowboarders and other dudes with really questionable job descriptions (side note: Does anyone remember the Cheaters that featured a cuckolded "stockbroker" who was clearly a crystal meth dealer? That guy was awesome).

This weekend was at least the third time I've caught bits of Bachelorettes in Alaska marathons on Fox's all reality network. Luckily I didn't stumble upon it earlier or I'd have spent the whole day on the couch. I turned it on just in time for the horrific final scenes in which the women trek across the frozen tundra in ridiculous wedding dresses (complete with capes and white fur muffs) to wait for a float plane to land. Each woman's Man on Ice will either emerge from the aircraft to invite her to live in Alaska as the wife of a man who can skip a month of work to be on a reality show or...the plane will be empty and they'll go home losers.

The best part of the marathon is that the producers and some of the participants are on hand to tell us what went down afterwards. Like the redhead chick moved to Alaska to be with Kristian, but it didn't work out and she moved back. And the bitchy one who clearly lied about her age was also a bitch in real life, going so far as to dump red wine on one of the other girls when she got too much attention at an off-camera dinner. Awesome! Also, even though Bastard Tim #1 showed up in the plane to ask for another chance with Cecile (after unceremoniously dumping her several episodes before, leaving her with Crazy Tim #2), they're relationship didn't last. Sadly, Brent and Cissie, who seemed to be made for one another in a creepy Ken and Barbie kind of way, didn't last either. Turns out the producers pushed him hard to make the proposal (which you could kind of guess by the chagrined look on his face when it came time to make it) and after Cissie moved to Alaska, it ended. She spent all her time taking care of his kids while he was out with his ex-wife. Ain't that some shit? Fox Reality has made me feel bad for Cissie, four years after Brent broke her heart...

30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan

A Nickleback loving beeper king love interest, a near-stabbing on a late night talk show, a seemingly magical hair piece and Alec Mother Scratching Baldwin? There's nothing about this show I don't love. Except when Tina doesn't wear her glasses and it throws off my equilibrium.

I have an unlikely crush on...

Moss from The IT Crowd. He's socially retarded, but so, so funny. If he was a serial killer he would be the Gardner. And he would kill people with a hammer. Seriously! Go to Google Videos right now and watch The IT Crowd! Now!

It's a One-derful Tree Hill

This week One Tree Hill forcibly fondled an American holiday classic. They didn't go so far as to rape It's a Wonderful Life, but they did touch it inappropriately without Frank Capra's consent.

The episode picks up where last week's left off (one would assume; I didn't actually make it to the end of last week's episode) with Rick Fox plowing into a pregnant Haley, Nathan pulling Fox out of his totaled car and beating him (possibly, but probably not to death) and Luke having a heart attack. Luke wakes up and finding the streets of Tree Hill empty, chases down a stranger to ask the time. It turns out it's his dead uncle Keith.

Dun dun dun.

Luke feels guilty that Fox ran over Haley (he refused to follow the former Laker's order to throw the state championship, thus inciting his rage) so Keith shows him what Tree Hill would be like if Luke hadn't led such a selfless life. Hold the phone. Luke's selfless? The guy who cheated on Brooke with her best friend, abandoned his mom to move away with Keith and kept his heart condition a secret in order to remain on the basketball team? We're to believe that all of that was for the greater good? Fine, but I refuse REFUSE! to believe Nathan's declaration that he loves Dan.

In addition to giving him a glimpse of the Tree Hill that could have been, Keith also lets Luke eavesdrop on the living. In the process we get to see Dan take responsibility for his younger son's "crime," Brooke and Peyton tearfully make up for the 53rd time and creator Mark Schwan in a cameo as a douchetastic record store worker.

Here's what would have been different if Luke wasn't such a saint:
1. Peyton would never have been recognized as such a prolific artist.
2. She also would have died in the school shooting because Luke wasn't reckless enough to run in after her.
3. Her death would have turned Brooke into a smokin' hot Goth chick with artistic tendencies and a vitriolic hatred of Lucas.
4. Haley would not be a pregnant, comatose teenaged bride, but a celebrity of Chris Keller caliber.

I gotta tell you, I can see why Lucas still waivered on whether or not his life was worthwhile.

To get his nephew back on track, Keith shows Luke what will happen if he dies. Will his mother go crazy from the loss of her son on top of the loss of her unborn child's father? Will Skillz become a street tough? Will Nathan and Haley's baby grow up without someone to show him the proper ratio of mousse to hair? No. Peyton will sad for, like a really long time. Yawn.

THIS makes Lucas decide to live. Because he wants to tell that blonde piece of plywood that he loves her? Seriously? It's not the "I figured out who really killed you and I'm going to avenge your death" that spectral Keith was clearly hoping for, but I guess it saves 12 year old girls a lot of sleepless nights of sobbing and marking Chad Michael Murray posters with smuggy lip gloss kisses.

So Lucas lives and Haley wakes up and the baby's gonna be fine despite being jarred in his snuggly amniotic oven by a former NBA journeyman.

Brokeback Cold Case

On Sunday's Cold Case we learned that sometimes hot dudes in macho professions get into fist fights that turn into hot, hot lovin'’. I know that my favorite Sunday night procedural is heavy handed, but when the dead cop's cop dad all but quoted the best line of Heathers ("I love my dead gay son!"), even I rolled my eyes. For some reason the writer then took a page from the Samuel L. Jackson book of "“Yes, I'’m glad they'’re dead and I hope they burn in hell!"” with the killer'’s paraphrased confession. Just substitute Sam's hatred of the racists who raped his adolescent daughter and left her for dead with lieutenant's hatred of gays.

In interesting casting news: one of the luvahs looked like Matt Czuchry (Logan on Gilmore Girls) and the other looked like the cute guy who's shirtless a lot on South of Nowhere (which I totally don'’t watch...) so it was easy to forgive the episode's stilted storytelling and focus on the pretty, pretty boys.

Studio 60 didn't suck this week

For Christmas Aaron Sorkin gave as a pretty a-okay episode of Studio 60. There was a lot of pitter patter dialogue (though I'm still not sure Jordan's OBGYN would indulge Danny's riff on her baby daddy's jackass status) and Steven Webber's stuff was pretty interesting. I loved his rather sweet reaction to Jordan's pregnancy revelation. And even though it was awkward (or maybe because it was), I also loved Danny's I'm-falling-in-love-with-you-Jordan revelation, which came off a LITTLE like a threat.

The Katrina subplot didn't give me chills, but I was relieved that is also didn't make me queasy. When we first learned of all the starving jazz men in LA, I was really worried about where the story would take us. Fortunately it was not quite to the land of heavy handed preachiness where some other topics (like certain people's brother and Afghanistan) have ventured.

In what the NBC promos department would have us believe is "Soul Mates" news: Harry got a plum part in an ex-boyfriend's movie and Matt was happy for her and then kissed her, thus making her forget herself and say his name on the air. Because even though she's a professional comic and highly successful, she's still a silly woman.

And I'm pleased to report that the sketch we saw about Santa being featured on To Catch a Predator was absolutely the kind of sketch one would actually see on a comedy show. This makes two weeks in a row, people!

Attack of the kickass guest stars!

I was excited about the return of Men in Trees (shut up, it's good), but I was pretty distracted after seeing Justine Bateman's name in the opening credits. I kept looking at the brunette regulars and thinking, "That's not Justine Bateman" and then questioning my own actor-recognition prowess. Then at the last minute she shows up as the bitch who broke Jack's heart. Just in time to screw up Jack and Marin's budding love! I do love a formidable opponent for affection. It's no fun when one side of the love triangle is a Duncan (was that mean?).

Earlier in the evening Kadeem Hardison (or as we all know him Dwayne Wayne) and Dean Winters (my favorite Irish sociopath on Oz) showed up on My Name is Earl and 30 Rock, respectively. Hardison was underused as a guy who turned Earl onto an illegal betting ring, but Winters was awesome as Tina Fey's on-again/off-again boyfriend, who by virtue of being the only retailer left, is the Beeper King of New York. Since he turned her attempt to dump him into an invitation to move in, it looks like we'll be seeing more of Ryan O'Reily, er... The Beeper King.

Friday Night Lights: Crossing the Line

Friday Night Lights never fails to be both uplifting and gutwrenching. And that, my friends, is the definition of damn fine TV.

Street spends the episode trying to convince everyone that he's ready to play in his first murderball scrimmage: the doctors, his parents, the other quads and (of course) Lyla think it's too soon. But the kid needs an outlet for his rage toward Riggs and Lyla and he ends up playing triumphantly in the scrimmage and punching Riggs in the face. It's a pretty face, but he had it coming.
Heartbreakingest moment: Herc and Street fight and fall out of their chairs before the latter emotionally states that Lyla's all he's got and his tough-love buddy reminds him that just because they're cripples, doesn't mean they deserve the crumbs.

Meanwhile the Riggins boys are barely scraping by (like returning groceries at the register barely scraping by) and Big Brother Billy's doing all he can to make a better life for Tim (buying veggies, talking to the coach about college options, etc.). Tim's having sex with Tyra, rubbing it in his older brother's face and taking out the frustration he should have towards his absent parents on the only ill-equipped guardian he's got. They have a disasterous dinner at the Taylor's and Derek Phillips as Billy is just spot-on in his portrayal of the character.
Heartbreakingest moment: After tending to Rigg's black eye, Billy splits his grilled cheese sandwich down the middle and silently gives his baby brother half. Then Riggs takes a sip of Billy's beer and we're reminded of something else they share.

Saracen and Smash's tentative friendship takes a few strides forward when the former lands the latter a job at the Tasty Freeze (or whatever). Why does Smash need a job? To pay for the STEROIDS he's getting from the scariest woman ever. He slacks off at work, but tries to impart some of his game to our young quarterback. It doesn't exactly work, but they get along and it's tough when Saracen catches Smash about to steal from the till and jeopardize both their jobs.
Heartbreakingest moment: Because she couldn’t afford to give her son the money for an “SAT Prepcourse,” MamaSmash goes to the church and they take up a collection to help Smash become the kind of scholar-athlete that will make them proud. And then he takes the money to buy more ‘roids.

And in the land of fully functional families, Tami’s worried about a rally girl who thinks she has to have a threeway to make her Panther happy and is therefore worried that Julie’s entertaining the idea of going out with one the hornball’s teammates. Coach breaks it down to his little girl that boys are just hungry sex fiends, but he assures his wife that Saracen’s a good kid.
Heartbreakingest moment: N/A; Julie decided to give our boy a shot!

Next week: Street yells at Lyla and the team turns on Riggs for turning on Street. Plus, Julie and Saracen go on a date. I just hope he doesn’t try anything Smash taught him.

Veronica Mars: Spit and Eggs

Holy Frak! So here’s what happened: Lillith house is totally happy because the frats got kicked off campus, so they go on a Na-na-na-na-boo-boo kick and forget all about the whole There’s Still a Rapist on the Loose thing. But plucky Parker doesn’t forget! She passes out rape whistles and drug testing coasters and believes in the goodness of people to respond upon hearing “Rape!” And I love her even more now.

Dean O’Dell bends to rich alumni pressure and goes on Piz’s radio show to announce that the Greeks will remain on campus. He barely has time to worry about the angry grrrls throwing eggs at his minivan and the jackasses in the Hummer because he’s afraid his wife’s having an affair. And she is, which we knew, but it’s still sad when he gets all trembly-handed looking at the proof. Mindy sucks. And apparently the horny prof is a stoner.

Also, the slutty girl with the slight curvature of the spine that Dick nailed? Totally dating Tim the creepy TA. And he breaks up the Pi’s big party to yell that she’s a slut (seriously), brag that he’s been getting plenty too (seriously?), and just generally seem really sad and serve as a red herring for anyone who might still think he was the Hearst rapist.

Veronica and the gang (minus Logan who broke up with her at the start of the episode and Parker, who’s probably not up for any parties where the rapist promises to find a new victim) head to the party to test drinks and save ladies. After running into Logan, V agrees to let him go help a girl they think has been drugged and he takes Wallace with. But! Veronica soon finds out that the girl who was actually drugged was using her sister’s ID so Wallace and Logan are headed to the wrong place.

She goes to help the girl and hides Big Bad Wolf style in her bed while listening to Mercer do his best Patrick Bateman impression; it’s good and by “good” I mean “ew!” There’s a struggle involving her taser and he roughs her up, but in the end, Veronica stabs Mercer in the leg with a unicorn. Yes, you read that correctly. Girls love unicorns; it’s the truth.

She runs away and right into Moe, who gives her a soothing cup of tea. After he leaves to get help, she notices a pic of him with Mercer, which judging from their attire looks as though it was taken during last year’s prison sociology experiment, which Moe called “Life changing.” V also realizes that she’s been drugged. She calls her dad for help, but he doesn’t answer and while hiding in the closet, woozy with a hammer, she finds a box of hair. Oh my God! Moe’s a total sicko, you guys. And I bet it was him leaving gross #2s and he just wanted to talk to everyone about it because he’s a perv that way. Mercer shows and they demonstrate that no matter what that Secretary movie taught us, masochists and sadists shouldn’t always find each other. Keith calls V back and the boys find her, but she blows her rape whistle.

Parker to the rescue! She hears the whistle, goes to investigate and sees a bloody Mercer on his way back from retrieving GHB to dose our heroine. She screams “Rape!” and boys come out of their room. Everyone stands around, not sure what’s going on and after the rapists (rapers, if you’re Dick) scamper away, Parker finds Veronica.

Keith easily tracks down M&M Rape Factory (too far?) and they get put in the county jail. Logan busts the hell out of some law enforcement vehicles in order to earn an invitation to the clink. We haven’t seen his angry violent side in a while and in this case and I, for one, am happy that it will soon be introduced to Mercer's pretty face. I hope it also spends some quality time with Moe's delicate ribs and most of Mercer's vital organs.

Meanwhile in who’s gonna end up dead land: Veronica tells Keith about Prof. Landry and after some verification, he tells the dean, who gets piss drunk and barges into the Neptune Grand love nest of his wife and Landry. And he’s got a gun. We don’t see what happens, but later he wakes up in his office and Mr. Burns-style asks, “What are you doing here?” to an unseen visitor. Fellow boxing enthusiast Weevil finds him (probably) dead in the morning. My guess: Greco!

Is anyone still reading? Didn’t think so. But here’s some miscellaneous stuff anyway: Veronica’s got a new haircut, I suddenly really want Piz and Mac to get together (how cute would that be?) and I’m guessing that Veronica’s A-earning Perfect Murder Paper was the one that killed off Lamb. I’m also supporting Ms. Drew’s theory that the paper will somehow tie into the dean’s murder.

Official VM Predictions

So I’m not always right. In fact, I’m often completely off-track. In Season One I thought for a brief (fleeting, really) moment that Logan might have maybe killed Lilly. My final guess was Lianne. But think of it this way… it was a parent and someone who shared DNA with Logan so I was close. Not buying? That’s okay. I called Beaver early on in Season Two, but I wasn’t sure why. And then he was so sweet and he and Mac made me so happy, plus he’d obviously been touched by that evil Woody Goodman (or Dick, which skeeved me out even more) and I let my guard down. I decided that maybe Dick was more complicated that we always thought… And I was wrong.

But why let a history of being wrong stand in the way of predicting conclusion of tonight’s mystery?

The Rapist: Nish. She wants the Greeks off campus bad enough that she’ll do anything. That’s not to say that the girls weren’t raped; it just wasn’t in the traditional way.

The Dead Body: Professor Landry. The next mystery will be Veronica figuring out whodunit: Dean O’Dell, his wife, Tim the TA or Richard Greco who’s still pissed about his bone marrow being AWOL.

And if the rapist isn’t Nish then I think she and the Lilith chicks will kill whoever dies (Mercer, anyone?) because they mistakenly think he’s the rapist.

Well done, Studio 60

Well color me surprised. I realized at 10:45 that I hadn't yet been overwhelmed with the desire to throw in the towel and go to bed. I didn't think the opening sketch with Howie Mandel was all that funny, but its parody of Deal or No Deal was actually the kind of thing that would be done on Saturday Night Live.

Mark McKinney, who is a consultant on the sketches in real life, now plays a sad-sack comedy writer with a believably tragic past. He's brought in to help Lucy and Darius work on sketches and ends up convincing Matt that the only way to make the newbies good comedy writers is to toss them in the deep end and let them bomb at dress rehearsal. It works well and the two are about to have their very first sketch air when the stand-off everyone’s been watching all episode ends with murder suicide and the sketch, which is about a bank robber, is pulled for sensitivity. But! Matt has finally learned that other people are capable of being writers and he collaborates with his new team on a replacement sketch. Yay!

Meanwhile… The cast and crew are being felled with the flu and everyone’s getting B-12 shots in the ass. Matt tells Danny he can’t get one cause you can’t get the shot when you’re pregnant and hormonal Danny is totally preggo. It’s actually kind of amusing to see Matt and Danny’s adolescent relationship, even when I know what it’s setting up. Webber finally makes Jordan understand that she’s screwing up her career and she decides to speak with the press. But the chosen reporter’s kind of a jerk so she tells him off and ends up crying to Danny. She says she’s hormonal and the faints. Danny, assuming it’s the flu, goes to get the nurse and a B-12 shot, but Jordan insists she can’t have the shot because (say it with me) she’s pregnant!

Christine Lahti hangs around and busts on/flirts with Danny. Harriet, the professional comedian who is the star of the fictional Studio 60, can’t tell a simple Jewish mother joke and then reveals that she can’t even get through the old “Orange you glad I said ‘banana’?” set-up. It’s very weird.

On a whole though, I feel like those weeks of muck were washed away. It was funny and I felt the drama of producing a live TV show without feeling that the tension was manufactured to make the show seem like our nation’s savior. And cutting the sketch was nice. I was at once disappointed for the newbies and thankful that everyone involved realized that in the end there are more important things in the world than a comedy show. Especially when you’re brother’s in Afghanistan!

Veronica Mars: Lord of the Pi’s

Four days after it aired in most parts of the country, Los Angeles residents finally got to see the penultimate episode of the season’s first mystery arc. It was good. It wasn’t as jaw-dropping as Season One’s A Trip to the Dentist, but it nicely set up what looks to be thriller of a conclusion.

The A story was about Selma Hearst Rose, a former national joke and the swing vote in the board’s decision to keep or expel the Greeks. When she goes missing in the middle of a reception, O’Dell hires Keith to find her. There are twists and turns and a moderately satisfying outcome, but the meat of the episode is elsewhere.

Logan is worried about Veronica and they’re on the rocks because she refuses to stop looking into the rapes. He retaliates by hiring a body guard to keep an eye on her. After a fight in which they both rightly accuse the other of being incapable of change, Veronica admits that she loves him. It’s the first time we’ve heard her say that she loves anyone other than Keith or Lilly (and maybe her mom, but that’s misplaced so whatev). They emotionally agree to go easier on each other, but the last image of the episode is Logan surreptitiously watching Veronica ignore his phone call in the cafeteria. The look in Jason Dohring’s eyes is heart breaking.

Rape news: Shady frat prez Chip Diller is drugged, stripped and left on campus with his head shaved. Later Veronica learns from Dick that Chip was basically raped with an Easter egg containing roman numerals. After delegating some dumpster diving, she gets the egg and realizes that the numerals are in reference to a date nearly three years ago when a sorority pledge named Patrice fell off the roof of the sorority house. V goes digging and Claire, Fern and Nish tell her that Patrice was a victim of the two-way mirror “You’re so fat” room mentioned in the second episode and that she didn’t fall, she walked. Claire, who we last saw faking her rape, was a fellow pledge at the time and Patrice is now in a mental hospital. Veronica notes that this is awful, but wonders how many of the rapes were faked in the name of driving the evil Pi Sigs from campus.

I, personally, doubt the other rapes were faked. At least not all of them… Maebe and Parker were way too upset to be acting, and they were the only two we saw immediately post-attack. Plus the first victim didn’t come forward until after Maebe’s rape, so that makes no sense. I’m not absolutely certain that Nish is the rapist, but really think she and Fern had something to do with it. I’m really hoping it’s not that sweet RA Mo. That’ll annoy the frak out of me. I’m still smarting over the whole Beaver thing.

In Next Week Looks Awesome News: Next week looks awesome. Mac and Piz are back, Veronica’s running for her life, Parker’s screaming about rape and someone’s going to die! If it’s someone I love, I’m gonna be three kinds of pissed.

Unstabler

Today USA's post-Thanksgiving Law & Order SVU Marathon had a theme: Stabler's Rage. Awesome, right? I love the fact that Stabler always seems thisclose to killing a perp. He hates child molesters and rapists and self-satisfied smug people. Plus I think the only time I haven't been attracted to Chris Meloni is when he played Mark Furhman and that was less about him portraying a racist cop and more about that weird hair piece. Balding can be sexy, people. Just ask Stabler and hope he doesn't murder you for questioning his animal magnetism.

Dear Eric Mabius...

I used to really dislike you. I first remember seeing you play a closeted high school football player in Cruel Intentions. Yawn. Plus, you were like 28 and that struck me as a little pathetic. And then I guess you were in some other things like The L Word and some horror movies or something. You kind of fell off my radar until you played an ass on Eyes, but the show didn’t really capture my attention, so whatever. But then there was The OC. I was pretty ambivalent about you until you started playing Harbor's Evil East Coast Dean of Discipline. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

I mean, by all righs we should have been cool with one another, "the enemy of my enemy" and all that. But while I wanted Marissa to be a fully formed character, you wanted her to be punished for stopping the violent, drug-addled ex-con who tried to RAPE her from murdering her boyfriend. My rage at this ridiculous plot point was blinding and now I see that it was misplaced. I should have been directing a little more of it towards the people who created the stupid and completely unrealistic (no, not in a good way) character.

I say all this because in your current role as Mode Magazine Editor-in-Chief Daniel Meade on Ugly Betty you are not only charming and handsome, but also endearing and sympathetic. I take back all of the eye rolling and TV yelling that was directed at you in the past. You, sir, have chipped away at some unknown part of my being that has a soft spot for Poor Little Rich Playboys. Well played, Eric Mabius, well played.

xoxo
SC

Promising Pilot Alert: The Black Donnellys

NBC's midseason replacement is from Paul Haggis and writing partner Robert Moresco. A lot of people (especially in Los Angeles) had a very strong (and not necessarily positive) reaction to Crash. I saw it as an allegory and not as a reflection of actual life in LA. None of that matters as far as The Black Donnellys is concerned.

Set in New York, the show is about the Donnellys brothers, four Black Irish boys living just to the left of the law. Pictured from left: Sean (Michael Stahl-David) is the baby and a big hit with the ladies. Kevin (Billy Lush) is unlucky, but fiercely loyal. Jimmy (Tom Guiry, Smalls from The Sandlot!) is a hotheaded smalltime crook with a substance abuse problem and a pub called the Firecracker Lounge. Tommy (Jonathan Tucker) is the responsible (and super duper dreamy) one with a shot at life outside the confines of the old neighborhood; he's heartbreaking.

Our story is told to a couple of detectives by unreliable narrator, Joey Ice Cream (Keith Nobbs), and the pilot stretches from the day when, as a child, Jimmy was crippled by a hit and run driver to the series of events that drive the boys far outside the realm of legal activity. Says Little Lady, "They're like Labrador puppies running a crime ring."

Without giving too much away, The Black Donnellys is part Godfather, part Sleepers. The characters, including the boys' childhood friend Jenny Reilly (a subdued Olivia Wilde) and Italian heavy Nicky Cottero (Kirk Acevedo of Oz) are well-drawn and distinct without being Quirky. The photography is beautiful, the pace is taut and the music is perfect (Arcade Fire's "Rebellion Lies" is so achingly perfect in the final montage).

It was the best pilot I've seen in a long time and I'm looking forward to seeing where the series takes us next.

Ugly Betty, Weeds, The IT Crowd

The lack of Friday Night Lights and Veronica Mars last night gave me a chance to reflect on some of the shows I’ve been watching outside of primetime.

Ugly Betty is pretty awesome. The show’s available online at abc.com so I generally watch it on Saturday morning, when it’s not interfering with The Office and the Chef and the Subletter are watching football. America Ferrera is so lovely as Betty that I love her in spite of her complete earnestness. I generally prefer my heroines with a shot of sour bitch (see: Veronica Mars, Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me), but her poise and winning attitude in a world of fembots is refreshing. Plus Amanda and Marc fill my bitch quotient quite nicely.

The second season of Weeds may be finished on Showtime, but I’m only about halfway through. What was initially a black comedy about keeping up appearances in suburbia has been pervaded by a sense of dread. Silas sabotaging a condom to better insure that his girlfriend can’t leave him broke my heart and made me nauseated all at once. And as Nancy gets deeper into her position as a grower and her relationship with her DEA agent husband of convenience, I can’t help thinking of Heylia as the Cassandra who saw it all coming. Weeds is, in a word, compelling.

The IT Crowd… I’m still not sure if I’m supposed to pronounce it as “I.T.” or “it,” but it’s a strangely enjoyable show from the UK about the nerdy tech department of a major corporation. Though it’s set to be adapted by NBC for the US, it’s has more in common with the Fred Savage sitcom Working than with The Office. It’s over the top, surreal and pretty dead-on in its satirical portrayal of socially awkward smart people. You can find episodes online through Google Video. If asked to cast the American version, I'd go with Dave Foley (or any of the Kids in the Hall) as the blowhard boss and Christina Hendricks (Saffron from Firefly) as Jen. Ooh! And the older Pete from Pete and Pete as Roy. You know, just in case anyone cares.

Veronica Mars Shocker!

The CW's not airing a new episode in Los Angeles tonight because the Clippers and the Lakers are playing. Lame! Instead, if you want to catch Veronica and the gang and Patty Hearst as a woman who gets kidnapped (I know!) you'll have to tune in at 9:00 PM (that's 21h for all you military personnel) on Saturday.

Funny/Not funny: Monday Night Round-up

Funny: Robin Sparkles wished everyone would go to the mall. The teasers for How I Met Your Mother made it seem like Robin's big secret was Canadian porn. Lily and Marshall suspected that Ted's anti-marriage honey actually had a husband. Instead it turned out that Robin was once Canada's answer to Tiffany (our neighbors to the North didn't get the '80s until around 1993... strangely this helps explain Degrassi TNG). Her video featured bad hair, leggings, a robot co-star and an ill-advised rap. Awesome.

Not funny: Jessica Simpson wishes for peace in the Midwest. Off camera. It may seem like I'm picking on Studio 60, but let's think of it this way: instead of harping on Matt Albie being a COMIC GENIUS who wants to explain to everyone in America that he had nothing to do with Ricky and Ron's (or is it Ronnie and Rick's?) little sitcom, we'll focus on the Jessica Simpson thing. Let's be honest, she's not a tough target. A single joke about the dumb blonde host filling air time and making a dumb blonde mistake is one thing, but it felt like everyone in the cast got to take a shot at the unseen Simpson. And beyond the smugness of the jokes being about 3 years old (we might as well have brought up the great tuna/chicken debate or buffalo wings), the show's choice of Simpson seemed to dovetail with the Harry storyline. Tom and Simon (who are both dead to me) lectured Harry the whole episode that by posing in her underwear for some men's magazine, she's not going to stop losing parts to Debra Messing (really?), she's just going to play into the hands of those who fetishize the pious (are you listening, Jessica? What about you Kristin Chenoweth? I mean, not that you should be cause this in no way has anything to do with you. At all. For real.). I don't know what to tell you, kids. It wasn't as bad as the past few weeks, but it was no where near as entertaining as its pedigree would suggest.

Bad news, Sean. Your girlfriend's a whore.

I'm no fan of double standards. Yeah, Emma was dumb for hooking up with Jay, but I seriously doubt that Sean was sitting around knitting and pining for his lost love in Wasaga while the van was a-rockin'. This episode was all about Sean dealing with the fact that his idealized Emma is a real person and she's made some real big mistakes. You'd think he would have clued into that when she took Peter back a couple of episodes ago, but whatev.

It's my sad duty to inform you that the worst thing about this episode was not Emma's acting. The writing is frankly slipping. With characters acting without real motivation, the story was propelled forward by the need to get to the freeze frame of acceptance within the 30 minutes allotted. Degrassi is so much better than this episode.

Bad news: The N is taking a break from airing season 6 until the start of 2007. Good news: Craig will return and kiss an unwilling Ellie (yay, Ellie!) and someone's going to die. I'm voting for JT or Liberty. Ooh! Also, the teen mom's old school mates declare war on Degrassi and it appears that the Afro Twins, Toby and JT will be caught in the fight.

Veronica Mars: Of Vice and Men

With the men in her life disappointing Veronica, she turns to her boy Wallace. But he’s out of town so she gets to spend some quality time with Piz in their dorm room. The mystery of the week is that the boys’ neighbor Sully is missing and his long distance girlfriend Meryl is sure that something’s afoul. With her dad seeing a married woman and her boyfriend refusing to tell her the alibi that will clear his friend of serial rape, Veronica understandably takes all the clues to mean that Sully’s actually being a coward and trying to break up with Meryl. When she apologizes for being wrong, Meryl kindly says that it’s okay, if she’d never been in love, she wouldn’t have believed it either.

Ouch.

It was a great episode and this little recap is in no way a substitute for watching, so I’ll just go over the highlights.

Veronica guilts Keith into breaking it off with Harmony. Yeah, she’s married, but this is the second relationship Veronica's ended for the poor guy.

Vinnie is working for the Fitzpatricks and Harmony’s husband (presumably in unrelated capacities) and it’s a good thing for the former, because when Veronica and Meryl end up in way over their heads at the River Stix (am I the only one who thought it was in a garage and not an actual bar with a store front last year?), he saves their asses. Liam, who we last saw murdering his older brother, is chilling as he dances around with our petite heroine, bouncing the air out of her like a gasping rag doll.

Veronica basically blackmails Logan into giving her Mercer’s alibi, which is that while they were in TJ, Mercer caught their hotel on fire and the boys fled before finding out if everyone made it out alive. Logan didn’t want to face V’s judging eyes or for his friend to face up for the crime he actually committed.

Veronica clears Mercer by finding out that his call-in radio show was on the air at the times of two of the other rapes and when she questions him about what was found in his room, he claims that he’s being set up. Also, both Chip the Suspicious Frat Prez and Dean O’Dell have a reason to want him off campus and out of the casino business.

After turning her back on her drink in the caf, Veronica gets GHB’d and finds herself wandering around campus. We see the rubber glove wearing rapist close in on her (I still say that could totally be Nish from the silhouette) but Veronica sets off her own alarm, alerting Logan, who was nearby looking for her. As he rushed to Veronica I couldn’t help but remember him using her to take body shots last time she was drugged. The moment nicely underlined the changes they’ve gone through since Season 1. Logan takes her home to her dad, where the men who so disappointed her prove that they’re the ones who love her.

Creepy news: The rapist partially scalped Veronica in the parking lot. And I’m guessing he/she didn’t use electric clippers since we didn't hear anything. Maybe it was the actual rapist, maybe a copycat out to scare V.

Interesting casting news: The dude who played Sully’s roommate also played Doctor Ben on Buffy. Either his career’s really not doing well or we should expect to see him again. Also, he was wearing a weird long wig.

Piz News: Still pretty damn adorable.

Say it ain’t so, Smash

Oh, Smash. You’re killing me. With the ghost of football stars past hanging around and asking Taylor for a job, it’s no wonder that our boy’s confidence is waivering, but damn. Convinced that he’s his family’s meal ticket and that homecoming is his one chance to impress the scout to end all scouts, Smash screws up big. He gets pulled out of the game and gives the newly sober Riggs the opportunity to shine. Riggs gets the game ball and emotionally reminds everyone that the heart of their team is Street.

Meanwhile Street’s worried about the embrace he saw between Riggs and Lyla. Despite his rehab friends’ warning that the team will turn him into little more than a mascot if he shows up for homecoming, he decides to go, if only so he can keep an eye on his girlfriend and his best friend.

Tyra hangs out with Riggs’ brother, himself a former athletic star, and they make several thousand dollars throwing the big homecoming party. It’s got all the makings of an unholy alliance.

Saracen kind of asked Julie out! It was awkward and he almost took it back as soon as he said it and we never exactly got an answer, but still! Awesome!

Next week Smash’s downward spiral continues when he starts abusing steroids. Apparently he did not see that afterschool special with Ben Affleck all roided out. That’s his loss on several levels.

Liveblogging Studio 60

Sorkin's treating what promised to be an entertaining show like it's homework, I decided to play along and take notes.

10:02—We’re already debating civil unions. I think Sorkin might be dead inside.

10:04—Bobby commercial. A quick check of IMDb reveals that Joshua Jackson is in the film. How was I unaware of this exciting information?

10:06—You know what I love about Brazil? They probably don’t air Studio 60 there.

10:07—Um, Harry’s mom died and asked a national organization of homophobic women to look after her? That’s odd, right?

10:10—Again, no one in America cares about network presidents. Does Kevin Reilly hate kids? Does he have any? I don’t know. And if you don’t know who Kevin Reilly is, then you’re proving my point.

10:16—Elliott’s gonna kiss that new partner of his on SVU? Heart…breaking…

10:16—John Goodman crosses cultural boundaries by asking Simon about his twists. He calls them cornrows. The unmitigated gall! The network’s lawyer played the FBLA sponsor on Veronica Mars. I love him for this.

10:19—Lucy Davis! The politics of who gets called “sir.” Fascinating.

10:20—Despite being a series regular and thus a professional comedian at the top of his field, Capital One Dude is too nervous to perform as Simon’s replacement. This may tie back into “sir” or the twists. I’m not sure.

10:22—Hollywood’s a liberal cesspool. Or is it? Harry and Matt to the rescue!

10:23—Now Harry’s surrogate mommies don’t think she’s hateful ENOUGH. The irony!

10:24—Oy.
Danny: Her only big move’s been Studio 60 and Studio 60’s working.
Jack: Is it? Look where we are now.
St. Clare: Yes. Look where we are.

10:30—Unfunny skit. Not even a smile. Plus, it’s racist. Matt’s a genius.

10:31—Capital One’s self-conscious about his body. I really hope we can deal with this more in-depth sometime soon. Maybe it’ll turn out he’s a cutter or he eats tubs of ice-cream and throws them up while watching that show about the UN. That would certainly demonstrate newly plumbed depths of self-hatred.

10:33—Much Ado About Jordan McDeere. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:35—John Goodman’s just a-teaching ever-body a lesson.

10:36—Tom’s little brother is an AMERICAN HERO! And his BRAVERY gets everyone off the hook. The show will go on and we’ll live to see another glorious episode.

10:38—Despite all actions to the contrary, John Goodman wants everyone to know something about Middle America not being full of Hee Haw extras. Now if everyone will turn in their textbooks to the practice quiz on page 58, we’ll get started.

10:42—Bradley Whitford, it’s too late to try to amuse me.

10:45—Capital One doesn’t want to go on even though Matt thinks that he looks very good in a very hetero way.

10:46—Lucy can’t get Ricky and Ron’s attention. I’m pretty sure that’s because they’re no longer on the show. Oh God, her sketch is awful and she’s….crying. Good God, you’re British! Stiff upper lip and all that! Damn you, Sorkin! She was the one thing that was unsullied. Women cry in the workplace. Because they’re sensitive and moody.

10:48—That Chinese bitch is spilling the beans to her dad. Jordan McDeere has brought shame to NBS. Jack to the rescue! He’s giving a speech and he’s giving it like a true Sorkin man. “Honor this and honor that and take your business to Time Warner.” Something tells me he’s landing this account. He does, though I can't tell if it's because something was Lost in Translation or the Chinese dude's just pretending it was. He's a wiley one.

10:52—Capital One’s only comfortable in a Santa Suit, with a mustache and a hat. Simon’s trying to give up the chair and even calls him “Sir.” Damn it, I kind of love Capital One.

10:53—Lucy’s still crying. Danny has to translate HYSTERICAL FEMALE. Cause chicks are CRAZY.

10:55—The "Simple Life/This World Changes Too Fast" speech versus The "Gay=Black" speech. Matt wants to protect Harry from gay street toughs. “Are you crazy about me, or just crazy?” Does this dialogue suck, or have I recently suffered a head injury?

Next week: Harry poses in her uptight undies and the newly crazy Lucy kisses Matt.

Who's Who: Degrassi

Pretty Enough for US Primetime:

Let’s just say Canadian TV is a little more forgiving than TV in America. I’m not saying the other girls of Degrassi aren’t lovely, but in US Primetime—where we’re supposed to buy America Ferrera and Jenna Fischer as plain janes—these are the three who could survive as leading ladies.

ELLIE has come a long way from Goth cutter with pigtails. She’s gotten over being abandoned by moody Sean and rejected by lothario Craig and now she’s dating her boss at the college paper. And not only does he look like a hot Zach Braff, but it also looks like he hits the gym when he's not playing Clark Kent.

DARCY got a lot hotter when she became a main character. They gave her hair extensions and a personality beyond that girl who helped Manny break Paige’s leg. Lately she’s gone back and forth from uptight and judgmental to borderline retarded. She may have broken Spinner's heart, but at least she looked cute while doing it.

MANNY was a cute kid. As she got older, the writers took their cue from nature, changing her character from Emma’s immature best friend to star of her own storylines. Now Manny’s not only most likely to be involved in a cat fight, but the whole school knows all about her abortion and they’ve all seen that video of her boobs on the internet. It was Manny’s goal to be hot. Aside from that weird haircut in Season 5, she’s been successful in her endeavor.

The Horror!

And I'm not just talking about Lara Flynn Boyle's lips (zing!). I spent a good deal of Sunday just sitting on the futon with the Chef watching Lifetime movies. It's one of her favorite pastimes and we caught parts of two (one involved a former Baywatch chick, that skeezy dude from Sex and the City and Adam Baldwin; the other... I can't really recall) and all of The House Next Door.

Starring LFB's top lip and Mark-Paul Gosselaar's tousled hair, this little gem of a film seemed to last at least seven years. The Chef claims this is the sign of a good Lifetime movie, but I'm not convinced. In between the commercials for the Lifetime original series Monarch Cove (is it bad that I kind of want to tune in?) I mostly just wondered where Mark-Paul's maybe evil, but definitely dreamy architect had gone. I also wondered why his fairly bland modern design was being hailed as revolutionary. Then I found out that the book that is the basis for the film, which will surely win a People's Choice Award for best use of a Saved By the Bell Star Not Named Mario Lopez, was written in the '70s. So with that mystery solved, I'm only left to wonder how LFB and her stoic hubby got custody of the precocious little girl who played a possessed demon in that other Lifetime movie with the chick from 24 and her evil twin from The Nine.

Degrassi: Working for the Weekend

Spinner content: High
Marco content: Low and wearing an ascot

To distract himself from the aptitude test that proclaimed him a clown, Spinner gets the brilliant idea of starting a t-shirt business so that he and Jimmy will no longer be merely twinkies, but members of an army of people clothed in Jimmy Brooks originals (which looked suspiciously like a t-shirt my older brother once got with three box tops from Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese). After selling shirts on the street from a box works well, Spinner decides to further ruin the life of the dude he inadvertently crippled by suggesting that they dip into savings to open a store front in Toronto.

Though he hangs out with giggling harajuku girls, Dylan’s still enough of a grownup to stop the 5th year high school seniors from throwing cash around to the their pals before paying for over-head and bills. Maybe Degrassi they should replace on of Simpson’s media classes with some business ones, because Spinner proves his stupidity isn’t limited to book learnin’ by basically giving some shady dudes an invitation to rob him and his wheelchair-bound partner. Later the criminals (who make Jay look super-hard -- no, not like that, Emma) have a slap fight with Jimmy over the cash box. Spinner shows up and saves the day “Jack Bauer-style” and realizes that maybe being a cop (#2 on the aptitude test of shame) wouldn’t be so bad.

In Hotter Now That She’s Out News, Alex is back at Degrassi to upgrade her marks to she can get into physiotherapy school. She joins the lacrosse team and some girl named Serena hates her for no apparent reason. Alex is actually pretty cool about the younger girl’s ‘tude. I was hoping that Serena was totally closeted and hated Alex because of her cute new look and her own repressed lust, but it turns out Alex once sprained the girl’s ankle and “blinded” her with a laser pointer during a debate (oh, WAH!). Alex explains that those were random acts of bitchery, but Serena’s gonna hold a grudge for a couple more episodes. Yawn.

Next week: Sean gets out of jail and find out about Emma, Jay and the ravine of sexually transmitted diseases! I bet his fury will be totally justified and that he didn't fool around with anyone the entire time he was in Wasaga.